Someone should buy Diddy a dictionary, because in Diddy's mind clubbing – the popular late-night past-time – seems to have got mixed up with clubbing – the activity that involves actually clubbing people in the head with a club.

OK, Diddy doesn't actually use clubs when he beats people up, but that's only because he can use the almighty power of his hip-hop mogul fists instead. Diddy is reportedly being investigated by New York police after he was accused of punching another clubber on Saturday night. However, it's hoped that Diddy will escape charges for this incident because, for once, he didn't angrily claim that he'd beat the clubber up until fire started spewing out of his anus – instead he chose to initiate the alleged assault by yelling "I'll kill you, punk!" And in Diddy's world, that furious declaration sits somewhere between offering to help an old lady across the road and inviting the vicar in for cucumber sandwiches and a lovely cup of tea.

Like all men, we've secretly dreamt about being Diddy at one point or another in our lives, because Diddy lives the dream. No, not the dream where your teeth fall out and you can't stop crying – the aspirational dream where, by mumbling about your fat friend over an old Sting record and then mumbling about a giant radioactive lizard over an old Led Zeppelin record, you've earnt enough money and power to knock up all sorts of women and then deny it until tests prove otherwise. The dream where you get embroiled with local authorities about firework display legislation. The dream where you can beat up anyone you want because you're Diddy and they're not. 

Right now, though, Diddy's dream doesn't look so sweet because Diddy literally doesn't seem able to stop punching people in nightclubs. As well as being sued by the man whose ass Diddy punched flames out of in a club carpark, plus the lawsuit by the hip-hop promoter who claims Diddy unleashed the goons on him in a club recently, Diddy is now being investigated by police for apparently beating up yet another man in a club this weekend. ABC News reports:

A man has accused the hip-hop mogul of punching him at New York City nightclub Kiosk last Saturday, according to The Associated Press. The man, Steven Acevedo, claims Combs initiated the fight with the man when he said he had dated Combs' latest girlfriend… A spokesperson for the New York Police Department told ABCNEWS.com that "there is an assault investigation that we're looking into" at Kiosk but would not confirm if Combs is involved. Charges have yet to be filed. According to the New York Post, during the altercation Combs allegedly screamed, "I'll kill you, punk!" while punching Acevedo in the face and bloodying his nose.

While, as reported, no charges have been filed against Diddy yet, we can only pray that this was all just a misunderstanding and that Diddy wasn't involved at all. Because, come on, "I'll kill you, punk!"? That's lousy – any old fool could scream that in the middle of a fight. The Sienna Miller incident aside, Diddy is a man with standards, and he'll be well aware that "I'll kill you, punk!" just isn't a vintage piece of mid-brawl Diddy trash-talk.

So we're not convinced that Diddy actually did any assaulting this weekend, although we'd be happy to reverse our decision the moment anyone comes forward to claim that the perpetrator of the fight bellowed any of the following during the dispute: a) "I'll punch you so hard you'll cry piss!" b) "I'll hurt you so bad you'll fart necklaces!" or c) "I'll hit you really hard and then your face will hurt a lot and you might fall over and I'll be the winner of the fight and so forth!"

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Police Investigate Diddy In Club Brawl – ABC