The Internet, famously, is full of a lot of bollocks. But every now and again we hear something that we want to be true so much that it hurts. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. You be the judge. It obviously is though.

An amazing thing dropped through the letter box of hecklerspray‘s letter box this morning. In a largely unmarked envelope, save the words ImpOrtANt ThiS we gallant and giddy lot started foaming at the beak because this was either a bomb or staggering, bum shattering news. OK, being truthful, we got an email, and started gawping.

Why? Because it claims that Pete Doherty is nothing more than an invention of the KLF, that’s why.

According to an email we got, Pete Doherty (DVDs) is a giant hoax created by Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty of KLF/ burning a million quid/ firing blanks at Brits audiences/ leaving dead sheep lying around fame. Evidence? You want evidence? Here’s what the email said:

The Samaritans have today recruited 600 extra staff to deal with an
expected surge in calls as troubled fans come to terms with today’s
revelations about rocker and teen icon Pete Doherty. In a surprise
press conference today, the men behind Doherty’s career revealed
themselves – and admitted that the Libertines, Babyshambles, the tales
of drug use, the armed robberies and the affair with supermodel Kate
Moss have all been part of one of the largest hoaxes in British
history.”

The men behind the scandal – Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, who were themselves infamous popstars under the name The KLF – apparently admitted how they plucked a young Buddy Holly impersonator from obscurity and made him a ‘star’.

“It was a meant to be a quick stunt to show the frailties of our celebrity-obsessed culture,” said Cauty, adding, “there are too many people who are famous despite their lack of talent, usefulness and
basic intelligence. We wanted to do something that held a mirror up to that.”

Drummond and Cauty, two people whom genius is a hat that really fits, carried on in their prepared statements about how Doherty, real name Trevor McDermott was making a paltry living as a Buddy Holly impersonator, it is claimed. Being a general trampy arsed buffoon, the duo quickly realised that this toad would be ideal for their grand duping:

“The plan involved proving three theories we have about current British society. The first is that in the so-called “alternative” scene, everybody is too scared of missing The Next Big Thing to worry about anything else.” To prove this, some session musicians were provided to compose the rest of the “band”, The Libertines, and rumours of explosive gigs were leaked to the media. The gigs in question never actually took place, but we didn’t have to worry about that. Soon the buzz around The Libertines was so frenetic, journalists were falling over themselves to claim to have been at the front of every single fictional gig.”

Within weeks, The Libertines had gone overground, and wombling free. The e-mail alleges that Drummond and Cauty moved to their second theory:

“We feel that our culture has become an enormous soap opera. We don’t care what a person thinks, or creates, or contributes. We just care about what they do in their normal lives. Especially when it’s something they shouldn’t be doing.”

To demonstrate this marvellous notion, it’s claimed that the fab two orchestrated a number of scandals. The first was the notorious robbery staged in the house of Carl ‘P45′ Barat. When the house-usery took place, McDermott (aka
Doherty) was virtually an unknown outside of the wank-mag, NME but afterwards? Front page of every major national tabloid. A twist in the tale was yet to unfurl. That was the affair with the most famous Mantis in the world Kate Moss.

“That was not something that we planned or had any involvement. Whether she knew about the hoax is
something we are not party to. We have never had any contact with Miss Moss.”

This was a surprising result for the experiment. Smack, cracks and crime had made McDermott a media hot spud, the relationship with one of fashion’s most famous women slung the hopeless cunt into the world of
A-List celebritard.

In spite of this boon, the project started turning into a major setback for Drummond and Cauty. The email claims they were preparing to enter the final phase of the scheme, ‘Doherty’ decided that he wanted to part company with them and threatened legal actions if any details were leaked:

“We were upset at the apparent failure of our grand project, and also at the monster we had created in Pete Doherty. Our third theorem – that ‘If enough people say that a piece of bullshit is a bar of gold, we’ll
believe it’s a bar of gold’ – seemed to have been beyond salvation. Fortunately, at that point Pete released the first Babyshambles album.”

In the time since then, the e-mails states that Drummond and Cauty have been locked in a vicious legal battle, which was eventually settled out of court by the discovery of a video showing McDermott/Doherty singing Peggy Sue at a
holiday camp in Devon. McDermott still denies all charges at the time of press.

Will this bugger Doherty’s career up? Who knows. Won’t hurt to try, though.

Read more:

Pete Doherty and the KLF – Record of The Day

[story by Mof Gimmers]