Hands up who’s been waiting to see a full-blown celebrity Twitter feud between Kim Kardashian and Demi Moore.

No? Nobody? You find it hard enough to care about either Kim Kardashian or Demi Moore individually, so you’d rather just start stabbing yourself about the eyes with a sword just to stop yourself being exposed to the white-hot torrent of swirling, meaningless crap that’s generated whenever two witless nothings like Kim Kardashian and Demi Moore combine forces?

Oh. Oh dear. You’d better skip this story, then. It’s about Demi Moore getting her knickers in a twist because Kim Kardashian used the word ‘pimpin’ on Twitter. We know. Our lives are far too short for this nonsense as well.

Right. Can someone cast Demi Moore in a film, please? It doesn’t matter what film it is – a comedy or a drama or a romance or one of those 10p straight-to-video films about zombies that’ll invariably end up on Fiver at 3am on a Wednesday in 2014 – because she just needs something to do. All the time that Demi Moore isn’t working, she’s getting a higher and higher opinion of herself, and it’s becoming unbearable.

For instance, remember when Demi Moore made that video for Barack Obama where she promised to smile more and free a million slaves by herself, and it was so awful that you momentarily considered voting for the other guy just to spite her? Or when she used Twitter to praise Susan Boyle, simply because it’d make her look less superficial than she actually is? This is worse than both of those things.

It all started yesterday when Kim Kardashian posted a photograph of herself, along with Serena Williams and Kelly Rowland, accompanied by the phrase ‘Big pimpin’. Below is what happened when Demi Moore found out about it:

Demi Moore: Are you using the word “pimpin” as in pimping?

Kim Kardashian: Doesn’t everyone? LOL

Kim Kardashian: Nothing wrong with dancing to Big Pimpin’ by Jay Z in the club! Having a girls night out, gotta love that song!

Demi Moore: No disrespect I love a girls night out but a pimp and pimping is nothing more than a slave owner!

Demi Moore: if we want to end slavery we need to stop glorifying the “pimp” culture

Demi Moore: Yeah but a pimp is nothing more than a slave owner!

Demi Moore: Just so ya’ll are clear I like @KimKardashian I was just making a point about how we have used a word and desensitized the real meaning.

Demi Moore: Clearly I stirred up a s**t storm, but 2 create change U have 2 be willing 2 take a risk and be willing 2 provoke thought & conversation

At this point Demi Moore starts quoting Deepak Chopra. We’ve spared you that because there are several fairly heavy objects within reaching distance, and if we keep writing down things that Demi Moore has said, the only possible outcome is self-harm and concussion and blood.

In other news, hecklerspray appears to have sided with Kim Kardashian in an argument. Excuse us while we find something tall to hurl ourselves off.

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