Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher: Threesomes, Divorce And Vindication

And so, just like we all expected, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s six-year marriage has ground to a wheezing halt after Kabbalah counselling surprised us all by being thoroughly useless in its attempts to save a relationship.

Of course, the statements from representatives and twitter missives went into overload last night from all concerned… and those not even remotely concerned.

And we’re going to pick through them. The best of the bunch involves the idea that this was swinging gone bad. We like that theory. That’s the idea we’re running with in our horrible, grotty little minds.

What caused the split then? Well, the big rumour hand pointed its finger at the story which concerned Ashton Kutcher sticking his penis into someone that wasn’t Demi Moore on the eve of their wedding anniversary.

And now, Demi has announced that she is absolutely going to divorce Kutcher. Sadly, she hasn’t said that this is a revenge attack for Ashton’s bringing back of the dismal Two And A Half Men.

Ashton took to Twitter to share his thought over things:

“I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK”

That’s the same twitter account that Ashton accidentally defended a child rapist last week. Ho-hum. Demi, meanwhile, issued a statement:

“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

She then asked for us all to respect her privacy over the matter, something we haven’t been afforded, so sod that. We’re raking over every single bone of this.

So Person A cheats on Person B, and Person B dumps Person A. So far, so dull. However, there’s a bit of titillation to be had before we’re out. Chelsea Handler has a theory about the break-up.

She suggests that Ashton and Demi had one of those “open marriage-type situations”.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that they probably had a lot of open marriage-type situations.”

“I think they probably had a lot of good times with some other women… I mean, read between the line. They probably had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without Demi and that leads to a divorce.”

Meanwhile, Kutch’s first rumoured play-away, Brittney Jones as now arched her eyebrows higher than they’ve ever gone and saying ‘SEE? I BLOODY TOLD YOU.’ See, her credibility was called into question after a sex-tape appeared starring her (not featuring Ashton Kutcher).

She told TMZ:

“Although divorce is often sad I do feel somewhat vindicated. For so long people have thought that I was dishonest or just making up my passionate nights with Ashton, when in fact I was being used. Ashton told me that both he and Demi had an ‘open relationship’ and that he was not in fact cheating. Now I can tell all the facts about how Ashton really was, and hopefully people will believe my side of the story.”

SAUCY! Sorry. DEPRESSING! Wait. FUNNY! Nope. We’ve no idea how we’re supposed to feel. Can we get on with our day now please?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it


Headline Name: Email: subscribed: 0 We respect your privacy Email Marketingby GetResponse

Comments