And how can we be so sure it’s out? Because two of the religion’s biggest celebrity zealots, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, seem to have abandoned the Kabbalah ship.
That’s what we’d have done, too. Kabbalah doesn’t have near as nice a ship as the Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds, anyway.
You remember the Kabbalah craze, don’t you? It might be hard to recall because it was before Scientology came with its aliens to establish a Galactic Confederacy in which Tom Cruise can’t take a vacation. But yeah, Kabbalah, a mystical offset of Judaism, first came to annoy us in full a few years back when bunches of Hollywood celebs began to run like a herd of rich, surgically-enhanced cattle to gather around the religious facet.
We can probably needlessly point a lazy, disparaging finger at Madonna for instigating the Kabbalah stuff since she began practising it in the late 90s. That was back before Madonna was wearing purple leotards and fishnet stockings. Those are the days of non-horrific mental images we long for.
Anyway, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have been some of the most unwavering celebrity supporters to don $26 puny red string bracelets that Kabbalahists wear to protect them from the Evil Eye… and the Stink Eye, and the Wandering Eye, and the Pink Eye, and the Lazy Eye. The couple was even married in a Kabbalah ceremony in 2005. Apparently though, the couple has been absent from Friday night services and Shabbat dinner at the LA Kabbalah Centre for months now.
So, what's the deal? Have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to split from the Kabbalah scene for good? A source with ‘ties to the centre’ (sounds legit), say that whatever the reason for their disappearance may be you can rest assured it’s not because of Demi Moore’s kids. We have no idea why Demi Moore’s kids would be the reason, but their dad Bruce Willis wouldn’t allow them to be involved with Kabbalah, so don’t even think it or else he’ll go all John McClane on your trash.
Other sources say that might Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s absence from Kabbalah worship is because Ashton is “tired of being dragged there on Friday nights.” Seriously, let the kid have a regular Friday night smashing beer cans on his head and organising his trucker hats and playing Rock Band all night while his wife recovers from her latest nip and/or tuck action.
Or, it could just be that they got tired of watching Madonna suck soup through that enormous gap in her teeth during dinner. We may never know.