One of the best things about the internet is that it gives everyone a voice, from whip-smart hip-cat pop culture commentators (coughhecklerspraycough) to people who collect Princess Diana dolls to phenomenally grumpy middle-aged rock stars.
That last category consists of Brian May from Queen and nobody else, by the way. It's come to our attention via Idolator that Brian May hates just about every living creature on the face of the planet and, since he's got his own blog now, he can basically froth and rant against the world like a bitter old lady in a bus queue. And we want in.
So far we've counted The Guardian, Drowned In Sound, Suggs From Madness, eBay, all Spanish people and every journalist that has ever lived in Brian May's big list of things to get shitty about. Noticed that hecklerspray isn't on that list? We have, and we'll be damned if we're going to sit here and let that happen. That's why, after the jump, we're going to make up 10 dreadful lies about Brian May with the sole intention of getting him to admit that he doesn't much care for hecklerspray on his blog…
1 – The Queen album Hot Space was a concept piece about the inside of Brian May's bum.
2 – Although Brian May loves Grace Kelly by Mika – and openly attacks anyone that criticises it – it's actually the 232nd worst song in the history of music. The 231 songs that rank below it were all recorded by Queen.
3 – Contrary to popular belief, the final words spoken by Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now aren't "The horror… the horror" but "The hair… the hair" – implying that being hacked to death with a machete by Charlie Sheen's dad after witnessing numerous harrowing abominations during America's foolhardy war effort is better than looking at Brian May's stupid haircut for even a second.
4 – The Queen song We Will Rock You was originally called Let's All Throw Stones At That Twat Brian May.
5 – When Brian May famously played the national anthem on the roof of Buckingham Palace for the Queen's Golden Jubilee, it took several producers, a litre of double-strength Pimms and 50 metres of rope to dissuade Prince Phillip from jabbing May off the edge with a broom.
6 – Brian May's wife is That Woman Off Eastenders That looks Identical To Brian May, but few people know that she was actually at the bottom of Brian May's People Off Eastenders I Want To Bonk list, and only ended up with him after everyone from Sharon Watts to Roly The Dog turned him down.
7 – Brian May is a keen astrologer but has never seen a star through a telescope due to the immense light pollution emanating from his massive ego.
8 – Brian May designed and built his own guitar and called it Red Special to express his special love of communism, the American Republican party, Fraggle Rock and the Random Early Drop queue management algorithm all at once.
9 – In the past Brian May was known to use a sixpence as a guitar pick. However, after the UK went decimal Brian chose to abuse his fame and replace it with a brand new varnished orphan's eyelid from wherever Queen were playing that night.
10 – Brian May was born in 1947, an event that Nostradamus foresaw by writing "In 1947 that big-haired self-important tit from Queen will be born."
Over to you, Bri.
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Lance K says
Perfect… Numbers 1, 3, 5 & 9… I wish they were true with all my heart, I really do
J Davis says
Im sorry But what the hell do you think you are playing at and trying to acheive. He does actually like people its just the ones like you who decide to make stupid comments.
And I for one agree with Brian May there are so many shits out there who think they are funny by cutting and pasting his blogs etc,
He is actually a very nice guy which I have met and has all the time for people but for someone to put a book on ebay,
And people like you who are just trying to get a rise or cheap thrills out of this it wont work so give up and let him get on with his life. He does alot for charity if you had read more about him you would have realised
he is a sensitive person and truely belives in helping people and the world we live in I just wish there were more people like him instead of people criticising him. Just think about it next time
Kaz says
So, you find all this funny eh, yeah I am rolling with laughter…………..NOT!
you think Bri will bite, ermmm dont think so, yes, we true QUEEN fans will read the crap you have written and we will bite back, as any good fan would.
You have no doubt never met Bri, dont really know anything about him, obviously dont want to either, just make stupid, ridiculous, stuff up, which evidently you find hilarious!
Bri is actually a true gentleman, in every sense of the word, very caring, an awesome human being, and may I say, has more brain cells than you will ever hope to have in this life time.
You just dont grab the concept of this wonderful man, maybe its jealousy, as you will never ever be the man Brian May is, an awesome guitarist, animal rights campainer, brilliant astronomer, photographer, writer,producer,loving family man, etc etc.
As for the year he was born, I wont even bring myself to re-write it, the only self important tit with a massive ego is you!!!!! take alook in the mirror.
You wanted people to raise to the bait, well I have, and if you ever get the chance to meet Brain May, take it with both hands, and be very humbled!
Paul says
At first I thought that Brian might be a bit exaggerative in his post about you. But hey! He wasn’t! If someone ever ask me do i know a “nasty, grubby, spotty, unusually ignorant 15-year-old creep”, I’ll name you as a perfect example!
Kelly says
Excuse me?????????!! who do YOU THINK YOU ARE??!!?? no, seriously????? you sound like the one with the “massive” ego trip dude!
How DARE YOU talk this way about the LEGEND DR. BRIAN MAY!! It sounds to me like your jealous!!!!! Mr. May is a TRUE ROCK LEGEND… he’s the greatest guitarist, from the greatest rock band in the world…. and you just have to get over the fact that YOU didn’t make anything out of yourself. GET A LIFE…. DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU READ… THEN DON’T READ IT! Mr. May can say WHATEVER HE WANTS TO, on HIS WEBSITE…….. WE ALL AGREE WITH HIM !! so talk for YOURSELF! NOONE cares what YOU think —
Brian May is the SWEETEST guy…. the MOST caring person. He is SO SPECIAL TO MILLIONS ALLL OVER THE WORLD…. AND YOU, YOU???? I DON’T THINK SO. Just HOW DARE YOU SAY THESE UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT THIS AMAZING, INCREDIBLE LEGEND….. YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES….
it sounds like your an ass…. and prolly look like one too!
John says
Mr. Heritage, you’re an idiot. Queen is the best band (UK & US) of all time and you should recognize. How can you criticize Brian’s blog when you yourself give your opinion in this article. What’s more, if you knew anything about Brian May, you’d know he’s one of the nicest human beings on the planet. If he’s critical of anyone, it’s because they’ve been unfairly critical of him. Brian does research before he posts words about anyone…something you might want to do before you go off half-cocked (which by the way I’m sure is what you like)
David says
Truly hilarious.
I love Queen, honestly… but does nobody ever notice the fricking title of this website? The titles of the articles?
Brian May, you’re cool by me, but unfortunately it seems a bunch of your fans are idiots.
Graham says
“7 – Brian May is a keen astrologer but has never seen a star through a telescope due to the immense light pollution emanating from his massive ego.”
NOT AN ASTOLOGER – An astronomer who knows that light pollution is destroying planet Earth.
Brian may have an ego but at least he deserves one.
His music proves that.
People, please try to get educayed so that you know that politicians cannot be trusted. Just do not vote Bush or Blair.
Use your brain and give it a holiday.
Graham.
Brad L says
I am very saddened by the passing of Anita Roddick this weeks as now we will never be able to prove that she and Brian May were in fact the same person………………………..