Singer, Rihanna, in a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, announced that idiot, Chris Brown, would forever hold a special place in her heart. Now, that sounds a lot like something a crazy person would do, considering their history, and it is. I'm not calling Rihanna stupid. However, her ?heart? definitely is.
For those unaware, Rihanna found a text message on her boyfriend Chris Brown?s phone, sent by one of Brown?s ex-girlfriends. Chris Brown did the most logical thing he could think of and tried to force her out of the car. Plan A of the world's worst idea failed, so Brown went with Plan B, which was to hit Rihanna, put her in headlocks and even bite her. These plans should have been obvious in retrospect, since Chris Brown starts every date by cracking his knuckles. ?After hours of comprehensive research, I have determined a short list of better ways that Brown could have handled himself.
Way 1: Every Other Way Ever
A media explosion followed, and despite numerous apologies on Chris Brown?s side, the only people who have sided with Brown are the Twitter users who stated that they would let Chris Brown beat them, after his recent Grammy win, giving the same meaning to the phrase ?stupid white girls? that it had before.
But what if that ex-girlfriend was totally, totally hot? Or what if Chris Brown is secretly the Incredible Hulk? Or what if Rihanna was transforming into a massive snake and Chris Brown was instructed by God to beat the reptile out of her before her skin erupted? The police report didn't indicate any of these three theories, so the only three theories that could have saved him are un-verifiable.
Chris Brown is a pompous idiot, whose career has become the kind of joke that you create when you beat your girlfriend to a pulp in your car. Asking him about the incident sends him into a temper tantrum, as if his plan for legitimizing himself after the assault is to do a seventh grader?s impression of a retarded person, and then demonstrate why he would win the gold if Chair Tossing was added to the Olympics. ?If Chris Brown hit someone with his Escalade, he'd make them apologize for thinking they had the right to be on the same street as him. ?Chris? and ?Brown? are the last two words in Ayn Rand?s Anthem. Every time Chris Brown spills milk, a back-up dancer is forced to call the cops.
It might help him in the eyes of the dumb if he was a good singer, but his punches overshadow his art for good reason. He isn't a good singer. His songs are so forgettable that this sentence shouldn?t even exist. Chris Brown?s lyrics are so shitty that his microphone identifies as a litter box. Sign language for Chris Brown lyrics is pointing angrily at your wife until she realizes that she's been handcuffed to the radiator.
Personally, I don't understand the need for Chris Brown when we have a perfectly good Trey Songz now. ?2 Reasons? is better than anything Brown has ever put out, and Songz apparently doesn't turn into the earth?s pussiest UFC fighter whenever something doesn't go his way. Usually a funeral march is played at a burial, but Chris Brown is played whenever the coffin couldn't be closed because the wolves haven't finished with the body yet.
This leads me back to Rihanna, who, in an understatement the size of swollen eye, said that she felt like Chris Brown made the mistake ?because he needed help.? Thanks, Rihanna, for playing psychiatrist in all of this. Chris Brown needs a great amount of help. Then again, as soon as the doctor asked him a question, Chris Brown would just show his expertise at flipping couches, and then tweet to his ?haters? about how much flipping couches didn't bother him. Chris Brown is the number one cause of death for baby sea turtles, not because Chris Brown has anything to do with ocean life, but because fuck Chris Brown.
I understand that the ?heart? is often used in arguments, because its intangible nature makes it hard to use logic against. ?The heart wants what the heart wants.? It's the kind of thing that you say when you're trying to tell your girlfriend that you want to sleep with her best friend more than her. And it's the kind of thing that makes you groan, because it's often used by people who don't see the logic until it's pounding on them from the driver?s seat.
I get that ?love conquers all? or whatever, and that, often, after an abusive relationship, it can be hard to let go of someone because of the psychological damage inflicted. But as long as Rihanna tries to defend Chris Brown and his aptitude for making a fool of himself in violent gestures, she's going to look dumb. I don't believe that Rihanna is an idiot, but her heart is pretty stupid.
Blake says
goddamn, Daniel is the funniest writer on this site.
Lala says
You guys are biased, you forget she hit him too. No one should hit anyone, it is a two way street. Stop bullshitting people and leave him alone. Your site should be ashamed of itself. They have moved on and who are you to judge.
Blake says
Man, remember when Rihanna sent Chris Brown to the hospital and then acted like a child about it?
tana says
the only idiot here is you. Who are you to telll her how she should feel and who she should love? It’s not your life.
and LaLa your sound even dumber that the person who wrote the article .There is no proof she hit him, either way so what? Still does not excuse what he did. if anyone should be ashamed it’s you for trying to somehow justify his actions.
Kylie says
STFU!
MidoMorocco says
I think the word stupid is unecessary.
If I were Rihanna, I will hate whoever wrote this !
nollywoodvixen says
I agree!! i am a huge Rihanna fan. She is very talented and courageous. She need a Renaissance Man in her life. For example some one like Jay Z, Will Smith, Brad Pitt. Chris Brown has not shown any improvement. He just disrespected her in a rap song. He looks like a monster these days with all the tattoos. I am fed up with celebrities doing the crime and not the time. A regular person would have been locked up for busting out a window, snatching a phone or assaulting a female. Trey Songz is a much better singer but Chris Brown is better to look at and a very good entertainer. I think Chris Browns fan base is little girls and thats it.
renee walker says
This girl needs to stop it, if anybody needs help its her ass..what drug isn’t she on. And if she thinks he still needs help.Why ask him do a song together bday cake. I notice erytime his album drops. She wanna throw shade. Riri is a hater. She’s upset that he has been able to continue to be successful after all of this. If she forgave him. Move on!!!
Anonymous says
Chris Brown isn’t a good singer? You lost me there in your article. You don’t have to like him or his music, but many people have heard the guy sing live and he can perform. Every singer has their good and bad performances, but he is generally good and dispite everything he is a talented guy – he can sing, dance, and writes some songs (I know he wrote Rihann’s song ‘Disturbia’ before). Also, no one really knows what happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna that night of the 2009 incident, clearly they had a 2-person fight about something that upset them both. Yes he hit her and that’s wrong, a man should never heat a woman (though a woman should not hit a man either and smart people should avoid physically hurting others), however he was a 19 year old boy at the time and he didnt have a past of doing that before. Whats the use in just saying crap about him? It doesnt help and it wont help him in controlling his emotions. There are many celebrities that have done worse (at older ages) and gotten away with it, just look at Charlie Sheen (he doesnt get away with everything, but why is no one talking about the fact that he has gotten violent with several women?).
Renee says
Perhaps because like Tommy Lee, John Lennon, Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Johnny Cash, and more Charlie Sheen is a white man. It’s acceptable for white men to beat the living shit out of their women because at the end of the day, the white media will save them and protect them. Yes, I’m pulling out my trusty race card. It’s time for me to play the race baiting game or reverse racism or whatever cute little terms whites use to lessen the obvious factor of how race plays into this worn out, 4 year old narrative about Chris and Rihanna. The only time white people get on some moral high horse is generally when a black person do something that is wrong. They put a new meaning into “beating it like a dead horse.” Nothing else can explain why people are still having a meltdown whenever Chris Brown performs, release an album, or what have you. Yes, what Chris Brown did was wrong, but he didn’t have a past prior to that incident in 2009 and hasn’t repeated it since. Yet, white media can’t get over the fact that Chris is getting the same pass that their precious white celebrities get for doing controversial and violent actions. As for those dumb ass Tweets, that shit was obviously stage to start bullshit controversy for weak minded bloggers to feed off their obsessive hate for Chris Brown. The only real time a white celebrity is permanently blacklisted is when they insult a Jew – remember Mel Gibson.
unbiased says
renee – you’re an idiot and one of the reasons racism will never end. just curious….did you actually follow the incidents on tommy lee, john lennon, sean penn, josh brolin, johnny cash and charlie sheen? do you even know what the fuck you’re talking about? i mean you speak as though chris brown was sentenced to prison time. HE WASN’T you complete fucking moron!!!! he got away with it just like others regardless of race because the court system doesn’t care about females which would include your dumbass. it’s people like you that continue to bring this shit up….
SB_Australia says
With all the money & support she has, she could have made a clean break from douche bag Brown but instead she went back…IMO, she now deserves whatever she gets. Once you’re out & you choose to go back, don’t complain when he busts your face open again!
SB_Australia says
So you’re saying that when a black man punches the crap out of a black woman the media should sweep it under the rug & white people should “butt out & mind their own business”?
What a load of shit! You are a moron.
anon says
Hi, the Josh Brolin incident was revealed to be a “misunderstanding” by a spokesperson. Chris Brown’s thing is recorded and confirmed as real.
Only bring up valid cases please.