Oh Ariana Grande, I want to like you, but you can sometimes make it so hard. It’s bad enough that whenever I hear a song of yours on the radio I can’t tell if it’s you singing or a b-side track off of an old Mariah Carey album (We get it, you can do that high octave screechy thing like her. Kudos to you). But now you want to be a little pretentious shit on top of it all.
I can appreciate a former teen star wanting to be taken seriously as an adult. Shit, we all know I love me a good train wreck as well. But snooty shit makes my eyes roll so hard I get a migraine that Excedrin can’t even fix.
Ariana Grande is in the new issue of V magazine, and while for the most part it’s about as bland as she is, she does give a few snippets worthy of me judging her. For those of you that didn’t watch Victorious on Nickelodeon, Grande had a role on the show as the dumbass redhead who would easily follow the rapist into the windowless van because he said he had a puppy he wanted her to pet. Maybe all those years of playing a doofy ass broad infiltrated Ariana’s personality a little too much, because while you can tell she is trying to come off smart in this interview, it just doesn’t work.
On her music:
“Music is my dharma. It’s what makes my heart smile and what I feel like I am meant to do. I understand music more than I understand human beings and the English language.”
This reeks of patchouli and bongos to me. And I really expected her to throw out a “man” somewhere in there. I also am confused by the lack of understanding about the exact language Grande uses. Does she understand Swahili more? Mandarin? Stoner?
Then we have her drag queen approved massive hair:
“I use my hair as a mask, as a shield. I hide behind it and it’s what keeps me me. Some people make fun of me for it, but I don’t know who those some people are, so I don’t care.”
So wait. You do know people make fun of you for your horse-tail, but it doesn’t matter since you don’t know these people personally? Is that how this works? The opinions of total strangers are worthless? My job is a lie.
Then we get to my favorite part and the comment that makes the whole hippie dingbat thing make sense:
“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk with nutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”
She’s fucking VEGAN! Ugh, now it is all crystal clear. In case you are all not aware, veganism and douchebaggery go hand in hand. It’s sort of a requirement that once you decide eating eggs is like eating cruelty based battery acid, you must lose all of your ability to be a normal fucking person. “Eating cheese is like, so totally inhumane because you never got permission from that goat to use his milk for that feta and like, so you have no idea if he is feeling violated or abused. Meat is murder rawr rawr rawr. I am so deep and spiritual and better than you.”
It must be pretty easy for a bitch who probably has a trainer on her payroll to judge the weight of others. Also, a majority of the whole fucking world drinks cow’s milk, so why is this chick hating on Americans? It’s not cows milk that makes some of us look like mini Jabbas as much as it’s shit like this
Aw crap, now I am hungry.