Curly-topped KnightRider (DVDs) star David Hasselhoff (DVDs) – a man so cheesy he would make an exploding Parmesan factory look a little tame – has revealed how utterly amazed he was with a female admirer who "tried to kill herself to get his attention".

The troubled young lady was apparently distraught at the fact that she had no direct route with which to talk to The Hoff, and therefore decided – obviously – that the best way to grab Dave’s attention would be to throw herself out of a high-storey window.

"She jumped, hit some awning and broke her leg", recalled the poodle-permed Baywatch (DVDs) beast. But here’s the worst part: despite this dedicated young lady’s plea for attention, Hasselhoff – the big wuss – has made no attempt to meet her.

Let’s face it, dear hecklers – if someone was willing to splatter themselves over a few square feet of concrete all for little old you, wouldn’t you be even slightly interested in finding out why?

Oh, no. Not The Hoff. He’s too busy helping Spongebob Squarepants (DVDs) find his way back to the underwater kingdom (anyone who hasn’t seen the Spongebob Squarepants Movie – i.e people with jobs or girlfriends or the like – may not have the slightest clue as to what that last sentence was all about. Sorry).

"A policeman went to see her in hospital," David continued to reveal, "and [he] said, ‘Listen, Miss, you’re still not going to meet David Hasselhoff.’"

hecklerspray says: boo! Hasselhoff’s a spoilsport! He thinks that being popular in Germany and having a roadkill haircut means that he doesn’t have to cater to his fans anymore!

Not that the nutter – god bless her – is disheartened by any of this. According to reports, she simply shrugged off The Hoff’s rude dismissal and asked the policeman: "Do you know any other celebrities I could meet?"

You go, girl. Live that dream.

[story by C J Davies]