The love between a father and his children is strong – so strong, in fact, that not even a video of the father flailing topless around the floor so drunk that he can't even eat a burger properly that was filmed by the children can come between them.
That's more or less what the judge in charge of sorting out the custody of David Hasselhoff and Pamela Bach's children decided yesterday, anyway. Following a fortnight of court-enforced bans thanks to the creepy drunk topless hamburger video that everyone with the internet has seen at least 12 times, Judge Mark Juhas has ruled that David Hasselhoff is not only allowed to see his children again, but he gets full custody of them for three days a week from now on as well. It's literally the perfect conclusion for David Hasselhoff, who now gets to combine three days of precious time with his daughters with four days of getting woefully pissed up, rolling around the floor without a shirt on and haphazardly prodding dribbly wads of fast food into his mouth without anyone ever knowing.
We're not sure if the bunch of flowers that Alec Baldwin sent David Hasselhoff have arrived yet, but they'd better be big – thanks to the daughter-filmed video of drunk David Hasselhoff sprawled on the floor of a hotel grunting incoherently as one of his children pleads with him not to drink any more, Alec Baldwin's "rude little pig" outburst directed at his daughter seems almost quaint.
But it looks like David Hasselhoff may have got away with it. After the video kickstarted two weeks of David Hasselhoff being banned from his kids, a judge has ruled that Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach can return to sharing joint custody of the children, as E! Online reports:
While the two sides were ordered not to divulge the details of the hearing, a source close to the situation told Access Hollywood that Hasselhoff and Bach arrived at an arrangement wherein the actor gets to be with their kids on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. He has also reportedly agreed to submit to three blood tests a week to check his alcohol level.
Again, this is the perfect situation for David Hasselhoff to be in – as well as being able to see his children again, the blood tests will make sure that David Hasselhoff can't drunkenly stagger around any more airports urinating into his own trousers as he goes or start fights in Wimbledon again. But just because he isn't allowed to be drunk any more, it doesn't mean that David Hasselhoff can give up some of his other favoured pursuits like planning musicals about himself, reminiscing about the time that he almost had sex with Princess Diana, disturbingly calling 911 to falsely report his childrens' suicide attempts or possibly punching women in the face and breaking their noses.
And now all of this custody kerfuffle has been settled, it's just a matter of time before the Hasselhoff irony machine kicks into overdrive and the image of him prostrate on the floor, too drunk to even speak to his own daughter is absorbed into Hoff legend. Who knows, the video of the follow-up to Jump In My Car might even feature David Hasselhoff singing in a pathetic heap crumpled on the floor of a hotel room as he pitifully fails to eat a hamburger properly. You know, as an ironic joke. Although it'd probably be funnier if you could still hear David Hasselhoff's daughter on the verge of tears begging her father to stop drinking before it kills him, too. That really would be a lot of ironic fun.
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