David Duchovny Turns To Russell Brand For Advice On How To Stop Rogering Ladies

David Duchovny once starred in a grown-up edition of the popular kiddy ghost-chasing show Scooby Doo where he played agent Fox Mulder.

With the help of his strangely attractive assistant Scully, they often found themselves in all sorts of situations where trees ate traffic lights and dolls controlled entire villages.

Once the show ended, the duo failed to appear in any sort of credible TV show. Gillian Anderson even lowered herself to star in a film with cockney bellend Danny Dyer. But David Duchovny literally dropped off the radar altogether. He hadn’t died, though; instead he turned all his attention to having lots of sex. So much that he is now officially addicted to it. Instead of placing a thin line of cement over his spitting cobra, he decided that rehab was a better option to solve his problem. And now it turns out that ‘rehab’ at least partially involves reading Russell Brand’s book.

It’s never quite clear how being addicted to all things sexual affects a person. While most people enjoy the odd hump with a partner now and then, we can only assume that David Duchovny likes to go at it until his winky gets red raw and starts spraying out blood. Still, more power to him for fighting through the pain barrier.

You’d have thought that because David Duchovny is a famous person, he would have turned to either a major religion or Scientology for help. Surely a friendly Catholic nun could have taught him some new ways to stop him blowing his load. Just be glad he didn’t ask any Catholic priests about solving his problem, because they could have only made the situation worse.

Oddly enough Duchovny has turned to Russell Brand’s oddly written and appallingly-titled autobiography My Booky Wook for guidance and solutions on how to stop becoming aroused at the faintest sight of boob. Russell Brand is thankfully in foreign shores at the moment to promote himself and break into the lucrative American market.

Brand is doing a sterling job at it so far, since he recently got to star in an advert with something everyone dreams of interacting with. An elephant and then Britney Spears. It must have been his lucky day. This was all because he presented the MTV Video Awards and spent the whole evening insulting Americans and their choice of political leader. He may look like a fashionable tramp, but we applaud him on that one.

The only thing that really connects David Duchovny and Russell Brand is their love of muff. Spending thousands of dollars on rehab mustn’t have worked for Duchovny, because he’s apparently spent a small amount on Brand’s book detailing his addiction to ladies’ downstairs areas. Digital Spy reports:

“David has been greedily devouring Russell’s pieces on the topic in his autobiography My Booky Wook, his interviews, podcasts and stand-up routines.”

Hopefully David is on the road to recovery. Though God knows how you can be cured of his particular problem. Chopping his willy off would prevent him from ever going like a rabbit at 100mph, but then how would you take a wee wee?

Maybe limiting his shagging to 13 times a night would be a better option. Everyone kind of wins that way. His wife won’t be constantly gasping for air, condom manufacturers will continue to see profits rise and David can keep on doing what he enjoys best. And that’s not making crap spin-off films for an old TV show.