Posts from December, 2008

So this is it. The last day of 2008. And, if you’ll allow us, the hecklerspray writers are going to get a little personal.

Having listed their favourite movies, albums and TV shows over the last few days, they’re now about to start explaining what the best thing of their year was. You will laugh. You will cry. You will vomit. You will lose control of your sphincter. Not because any of this is particularly profound or anything, but because you’re deeply unstable people.

As ever, be sure to chip in with your own best things of the year in the comments section below. That’s an actual order.

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Because we’re scared of change and progress and death, we’re eager not to let 2008 go without a great big bloody fight.

And that’s where the Spraylist comes in - the critical retrospective of the year’s culture from a bunch of people who’ve spent much of it telling you how stupid it all was. Because, deep down, we’re nice people. And also it disguises the fact that we’re doing any work today because we ate too many sausages wrapped in bacon last week and they’ve turned our guts bad.

Today: the hecklerspray writers’ best TV shows of 2008. Don’t forget to add your own favourites underneath. That way it makes it seem as if you count, too…

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OK, Christmas is long-gone and New Year’s Eve isn’t for a while, so you’re probably bored. What can cheer you up?

How about yet another end of year list by people who - for some reason - assume their opinion is more worthwhile than yours? Well good. Following Friday’s exploration of the best albums of the year, the individual hecklerspray writers are back to tell you which movies they liked best this year.

Oh, and you should definitely tell us your best movie of the year below. Unless it’s Twilight. Because then we’ll BURN YOU.

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Look, it’s Boxing Day. We’re not even going to pretend we’re anywhere near our computers. But that doesn’t mean that we forgot about you before we packed up for Christmas.

And that’s why it’s time for our fourth annual Spraylist - the one moment of the year where our violently oppressive taskmasters let us write about stuff we like instead of stuff we exclusively hate. Be warned, there may be traces of sincerity in the following few posts. Urgh.

Anyway, today we’re kicking off with a look at the hecklerspray writers’ favourite albums of the year. Feel free to chip in with your own suggestions underneath, because if people care what we think, there’s no logical reason why they shouldn’t care about you…

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That’s hecklerspray all done for 2008, then - it’s time for our annual attempt to use these withered ‘leg’ things that we’ve heard so much about.

Looking back it’s been a bit of a golden year, really - Britney Spears went mental, Lindsay Lohan became a lesbian and Paris Hilton got robbed. Oh, and some idiot invented Twilight. We take it back, it’s been a crappy year.

It’s technically not over yet, though - between Friday and the new year we’ll be slinging up the various hecklerspray writers’ best of lists for you to read and instantly dismiss as the work of rank amateurs, so you can look forward to that in between realising you don’t like your family as much as you thought and eating enough selection boxes to keep your vomit brown and treacly for a month.

And now, the awkwardly sincere pay-off - once again, we’d all like to express our genuine appreciation to anyone who’s read hecklerspray over the last 12 months. The commenters, the silent readers, the people who’ve accidentally stumbled across the site and found it made them angry, abusive and illiterate - hecklerspray wouldn’t be what it is without all of your help. Given the chance, we’d hump all of you silly.

So merry Christmas, happy new year and be sure to join us on January 2 for the now-traditional ‘hecklerspray beats its head against a desk because there is no news whatsoever’ day. It’ll be fun! Have a lovely Christmas, everyone.

Remember when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills got married and everyone wondered if it was the biggest non-event in all of history?

Guess what - it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe - next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

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Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is.

Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.

So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.

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Are you having a merry Christmas? No, neither are we. Merry Christmas. Humbug!

But what is the worst thing about Christmas? Having to spend the entire day with your family and pretending you are enjoying it? No, that can actually be OK sometimes, just as long as it’s just one day a year. OK, how about the seemingly endless hours spent shopping for presents your ungrateful loved ones didn’t want in the first place? Nope.

How about receiving the kind of presents even the most desperate Third World orphan would turn its nose up at? Not even close.

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After being sidetracked with a few things, such as trying to end all world evils and finding out where the boogieman lives, Bono has returned to his 50-bedroom mansion to concentrate on churning out another U2 album.

Bono and the other members of U2 have been threatening to release No Line On The Horizon for a while now and finally they’ve delivered the bombshell with a March 19 2009 release. Is one new release bad enough? No, Bono has to be an extravagant twat and release it five bloody times.

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You can stick all this baby Jesus nonsense up your wazoo - nobody knows the true meaning of Christmas more that Hugh Hefner.

And that’s that Christmas is a time when even the world’s most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who’ve had their boobs slathered with paint.

And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that’s exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do - Hugh’s Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between ’smug’ and ‘kidnap victim’. God bless us, every one.

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