Posts from November, 2008

Hello all. Some of you may have seen the quickly-deleted post we published yesterday informing you that hecklerspray wouldn’t be working today. Well, look, it is. Woo.

Our scheduled server switch got nudged back a few hours, which is why we managed to sneak a handful of glorious stories up today. However, we are definitely changing our server this weekend, and that means that hecklerspray might be inaccessible from time to time over the next couple of days.

Don’t worry, though, because we’ll be back in full working order on Monday. And, as a kind of apology, here is THE SINGLE GREATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE:

See you on Monday.

Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.

And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

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Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image - and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.

That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

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If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive - any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense - so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

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Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says “What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I’m, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!”

Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

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Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well - something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

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The great and the not so great.

Folded:

• 24: Redemption (and it’s actually good, not pants at all. Go Africa Jack!)
• Peters on BBC4 (think Phoenix Nights in a department store)
• Angelina Jolie stunning in Changeling (well you either like her or shiny gym muscle Aniston)
• Far Cry 2 (not much story but plenty of fiery action and eerie Africa atmosphere. Will certainly keep you going on these dark, piss-cold nights)
• Ruth and those dresses (don’t know what we’re talking about? Think yourself lucky, you’ve still got a Saturday night)

Creased:

• Womanizer by Britney Spears (like listening to a retarded checkout girl karaoke perform the worse song ever written whilst running on a treadmill)
• PDFs (if we wanted our computer to freeze up for five minutes we’d have batted it with a hammer, thank you very much)
• Infinity by Guru Josh Project (somehow sounds even more spectacularly dated than the 1989 version)
• Snow! (no, we didn’t get any either)
• Put yourself on the front cover of a fictitious magazine (congratulations, you’re still not famous)

10 - A little old, but who doesn’t love a spot of good old-fashioned turkey slaughter…

9 - Oh, but what about the frogs? - Kontraband

8 - Hooray for potentially deadly car crashes, especially when they’re set to music like this! - YouTube

7 - Truck falls on man. Man doesn’t die - I Am Bored

6 - MONKEY IN A BATH! - National Geographic

5 - What do you call a man with bricks on his head? A colossal dimwit - Evilchili

4 - Blockbuster starts a home download service. To ease the transition, all movies downloaded in the first year will skip, jam up and come in a virtual box that smells like it was once used as a tiny cat litter tray - Movies.sc

3 - A list of IQs by profession. Hey truck drivers! This isn’t a particularly good day to be you - Neatorama

2 - Still, it’s good to see that Snoop Dogg hasn’t lost any of his gangsta credentials, isn’t it - Comedy

1 - You will never, ever, be even a tenth as cool as this lizard - YouTube

Nothing amuses us more than when people take a poke at other artists and ride the boundaries of copyright.

We assume that Duran Duran haven’t bothered to get in touch with Duran Duran Duran and ask for a name change yet. Probably because their heads are still up their own arses from the past successes or, in the case of Simon Le Bon, because he suspects there’s some food lodged up there.

A million miles away from the shiny radio-friendly pop songs that Duran Duran made, Duran Duran Duran give the impression that if any Duran Duran fans listened to them by accident, they’d quite literally make them lose their minds until their ears bled.

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We thought Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because of a deep sense of burning shame.

But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

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