Posts from September, 2008

10 - The reason Stu got dropped from Sky News at the last minute last night. Oh, you’ll pay for this, US House Of Representatives. You stopped Stu’s beard from being on the telly - Sky News

9 - This is what we like. Feelgood stories about bottoms being stapled shut - Baltimore Examiner

8 - As an apology for the Taliban, the Afghans try to assassinate Ant & Dec - Holy Moly

7 - This woman says we should have more manners. Hey lady! Stick your manners up your tits! - Divine Caroline

6 - Now this is manners - Burbia

5 - Micheal Cera’s about to star in a new film where even his T-shirts are the same as in every other movie - Defamer

4 - Hey David Blaine! EAT THIS! Seriously - Best Week Ever

3 - Sensational midgets. You heard - Rock The List

2 - No idea who this woman is, but she looks famous and she licks dogs. Isn’t that enough? - Dlisted

1 - Still quite sad about Paul Newman, aren’t we. We don’t know if this helps or not.

How exciting was Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? All those girls, doing dances. It was literally vaguely exciting.

Watching a new series of Strictly Come Dancing is like putting on an old pair of slippers - all the old favourites are there. Bruce Forsyth getting everyone’s name wrong, Bruce Forsyth copping a feel of Tess Daly’s boob in the opening dance, Bruce Forsyth looking like he only wanted to go down the shops and he doesn’t know why everyone’s staring at him and all the lights are making him confused. Yes, we’re pleased that Strictly Come Dancing is back.

But anyway, this isn’t about us. This is about Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. So here’s our recap, for Lisa Snowdon…

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The Super Bowl halftime show is always a big draw, not least because there’s a fleeting chance you’ll see partial boob.

And next year’s Super Bowl will be even more special than most, because if you see anyone’s accidentally-exposed barely-covered breast at all, it’ll be Bruce Springsteen’s. Bruce Springsteen is playing the Super Bowl! Finally! Some good old-fashioned, all-American heartfelt stadium rock is coming to the Super Bowl at last!

At least that’s what the Super Bowl organisers must be hoping. There’s still every chance that Bruce Springsteen will want to play some of his newer songs at the Super Bowl, in which case 148 million Americans are in for six minutes of an old man mumbling about putting his penis up an old prostitute’s bum. Either way - woo.

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News about Nottingham - Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood story, not the horrible East Midlands town - has been a bit all over the shop lately.

First Nottingham was going to star Russell Crowe as a good Sheriff of Nottingham who had to battle the evil Robin Hood, then it wasn’t going to be made at all, but now it’s back on - and it’s got completely weird. Apparently in the new Nottingham, Russell Crowe is going to play the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood.

Not in a good way, either. In Nottingham, Russell Crowe’s character will be both the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood - news which will be profoundly disappointing to all of us hoping that Nottingham would feature a Double Impact-style scene where two identical Russell Crowes have a kung-fu fight with telephones in the woods in 12th Century England.

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Scarlett Johansson - one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive - has just got married.

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds - the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited - they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

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There’s no easy way to hear bad news. From spiralling petrol prices to terrorists, it’s never a good time.

But if you are going to told bad news, wouldn’t you want a sexy woman to be the one to do it? Unless it’s a rejection - but that’s a whole other story.

Anyway, in the latest excuse hecklerspray has come up with to get paid for looking at pictures and videos of sexy girls, we have decided to focus on newsreaders, reporters and newscasters. As we mentioned before, using attractive newscasters to tell bad news is a great way to soften the blow. In fact, it’s a scientific fact.

People dying of hunger in the world? That’s terrible, but, on the positive, she really does have a great rack. Or something like that. Enjoy.

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This is how much of a superstar Shia LaBeouf is now - he can get a film like Eagle Eye to the top of the weekend box office.

Now, true, that might not seem like a big deal, given that Eagle Eye’s big US weekend box office competition came in the form of two of the worst movies ever made, but don’t let that fool you - Eagle Eye’s pretty terrible too, you know.

How terrible? Terrible in that it’s about Shia LaBeouf running around following orders barked at him by an unseen force. That’s right - Eagle Eye is basically the first half of the first season of 24, except that Shia LaBeouf doesn’t even get to shoot any foreigners in the face, and he doesn’t have a trouble-prone booby teenage daughter. That’s how rubbish Eagle Eye is.

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When you think of films about disabled medical students who touch magical hammers and become crime-fighting Norse gods, the first name that springs to mind is obviously Kenneth Branagh.

Isn’t it? It isn’t? In fact Kenneth Branagh would probably be one of the last people you’d associate with something that brawny and gormless? Well tell that to Marvel, because they’re currently in talks with Kenneth Branagh about their new Thor movie. In short, Kenneth Branagh wants to direct Thor.

Kenneth Branagh directing a summertime comic book movie like Thor might sound slightly ridiculous, but the idea has potential - with any luck Branagh will turn Thor into a cross between his modern-day romantic musical interpretation of Love’s Labour Lost and that Frankenstein movie where he made Robert De Niro dress up like Sloth from The Goonies and run around the north pole. Ace!

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Know who we’re still jealous of? Ava Sambora. She’s just hit the jackpot - both her parents have now been arrested for DUI.

Following Richie Sambora’s DUI arret in March, Ava’s mother Heather Locklear has gone and followed suit. According to reports, Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI on Saturday night after police found her parked on a motorway, blocking an entire lane.

However, it’s also been reported that alcohol wasn’t a factor in Heather Locklear’s arrest. That begs the question - what was Heather driving under the influence of? The best guess at the moment is that it was prescription medicine - but having seen Heather Locklear’s arrest mugshot we’re pretty sure that she was driving under the influence of either onions or the dark lord Satan.

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Hey, guess what! Will Young has a new album coming out. How do we know this?

The Pop Idol winner has been thankfully away from our TVs and radio for a good healthy period of time. But now he’s back making all sorts of grand pronouncements. Bum. When popstars aren’t around to annoy us, no-one gives a toss about them. But when albums are released, quotes from press interviews are suddenly given massive importance. Erm… just like we’re doing right now. Bum.

You see, Will Young’s decided to come out (not literally - we’ve had a hunch for a while) with a random statement about one of the main loves in his life – the good old cigarette.

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