Posts from September, 2008

Hey everyone, super hot news in from eight poxy years ago - Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, like, totally hate each other!

You might have already been under the impression that Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan didn’t especially get on, what their bitter divorce eight years ago and all, but they don’t get on. In fact, so incessant is the bickering between Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan that we’re starting to remember why we stopped letting either of them be famous for so long.

We’ll go into this latest spat of bickering between Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid in a moment, but for those of you in a hurry it can best be summed up by Meg Ryan going “ner ner-ner ner ner ner,” in public and then Dennis Quaid being all like “Oh why I oughta…” about it. Hopefully that’s cleared it all up for you.

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If there’s one thing more annoying than going to a Janet Jackson concert, it’s going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ’suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case - whoops.

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We’ve never met Travis Wright, but we imagine that he hates you - otherwise he wouldn’t be deliberately provoking you like this.

You see, Travis Wright is one of the writers of Eagle Eye - the movie that’s top of the American box office despite looking like it was crapped out by a puppy with a gammy tummy - and for his next trick he says he’s working on a script for Blade Runner 2.

Obviously Travis Wright writing a Blade Runner 2 script is a terrible idea. Not because of the important cultural significance of the original or anything, though. No, we’re dead against the idea of Blade Runner 2 for one reason and one reason only - it’ll probably end up having bloody Shia LaBeouf in it, won’t it.

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The Bush Hall, in West London’s Shepherd’s Bush, is an unlikely spot for sensitive beauty, situated as it is on the Uxbridge Road, home to as diverse a collection of sights and smells as you’re likely to find in this patchwork capital.

Tonight, however, it is acting as a temporary home to Shearwater, creators of rather learned folk rock that ranges from the poetically ethereal to the scarily loud and fragmented.

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In olden times our fathers, and our father’s fathers were all taught a strict moral code by the Lone Ranger.

That moral code is that it’s ok to enslave good natured American Indians if it’s for the cause of justice, and if the act of doing so helps end low-budget criminal activity in any of its usual forms. This is a lesson that was taught over and over again - first on the radio, then on television.

As Indian sidekick rental prices began to skyrocket, however, it’s a lesson that was soon forgotten. Not for long though - because if recent rumors are to be believed - George Clooney is about to revive the Lone Ranger on the big screen. Some of the brains behind the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are apparently behind it.

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Thank heavens Marvel started making its own movies - without it we’d have never known what Edward Norton would be like in a crappy Incredible Hulk flick.

And because Marvel has been so brilliant at churning out one successful movie that everybody likes and one mediocre movie that everyone instantly forgets about a nanosecond after leaving the cinema, that can only mean one thing. More Marvel movies!

Paramount has just signed a deal to globally release the next five Marvel films. Since that includes Thor and Captain America, Paramount probably thinks it’s got a pretty sweet deal going on. But it should have read the contract in more detail - the other three movies are about Dazzler, 8-Ball and an utterly pointless shot-for-shot remake of Daredevil, this time with all the characters played by Ben Affleck. Eat it, Paramount!

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Back when Britney Spears was a crazy person, and not the well-adjusted pillar of society she is today, she did a lot of regrettable things.

And what was the most regrettable thing that Britney Spears did during her barmy lost weekend? No, not proving herself to be an untrustworthy mother or consistently becoming more and more of a global embarrassment with every single passing second - we’re talking about the time that Britney Spears sort of gently drove into a car in a car park. It was, quite frankly, outrageous.

We know this because people still aren’t shutting up about it - Britney’s lawyer is still trying to appeal against a criminal trial for the hit and run scheduled for next month. Experts have responded to the move by Michael Flanagan with shock. Slowly punching yourself in the face again and again while murmuring “Make it stop” does still count as shock, right?

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With plenty of high profile hits and even a divorce behind him, Paul McCartney can literally do anything he wants.

Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

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Colorpod 2: Dimensionpod isn’t just the game that made the made the punctuation on our headline look sort of stupid - it’s also the sequel to Colorpod, as if you needed telling.

Remember Colorpod? It was essentially Asteroid, only you couldn’t move around and the asteroids didn’t break into pieces. And Colorpod 2: Dimensionpod looks like it’s more of the same. It might not be, because there was a long tutorial that we couldn’t be bothered to watch and that might have explained things differently. But play it if you like, anyway. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Play Colorpod 2: Dimensionpod now

People, we think we’ve found the root of all Heather Locklear’s problems - she’s about to star in a film with Billy Ray Cyrus.

It all make so much sense now - if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.

And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ’sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ’solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.

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