Posts from August, 2008

Adding a fourth American Idol judge is a bad idea - like adding a fourth wheel to a tricycle, or a fourth leg to the injured dog that walks around hospitals on wheels sometimes.

Not to stretch that metaphor, but it would be fine if the fourth dog leg was as famous as the other three dog legs, but it’s not - it’s a weirdly anonymous dog leg that you wouldn’t even recognise if someone hacked it off and waved it around by itself away from all the other dog legs. Understand? Good.

Anyway. Kara DioGuardi, the new fourth American Idol judge, has now been formally introduced to the public. We could have just said that instead of banging on about dog legs and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion, we suppose. Oh, will we ever learn?

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Well it took 84 days, but Big Brother finally got exciting last night. Well, maybe exciting isn’t the word. Something happened on Big Brother last night. Does that count?

In what has to be a nudge to the British public to remind everyone that it still existed, last night Big Brother made the remaining housemates nominate each other face to face on live TV. Then Sara and Lisa - the two housemates with the most votes - had some sort of convoluted quiz thing to go through before one of them won £50,000. Except they both ended up splitting the prize in two and doing a kind of piggyback thing around the room for a bit. They’re still up, though.

Are you still with us? Sara and Lisa are still up for Big Brother eviction tomorrow. That’s the important part. Well, maybe important isn’t the word…

So who’ll go tomorrow? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Sara to win the show, with help from Paddy Power…

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Brad Pitt should be busy promoting his new movie, but he’s not because he said four words that sent the entire world into a giant dribbly tizzy.

“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins - while not ecstatically happy with their lives - are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

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Do you want the good news or the bad news? Well tough, there isn’t any bad news. There’s good news and great news - Michael Bolton is single!

Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!

OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.

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The world is split into three: one group hates Denise Richards, one group likes Denise Richards and the other group doesn’t care if Denise Richards lives or dies.

Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

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From DIETPIXIE - Big, lumpy, common, brassy, once-was-pretty, now fronts Iceland, Kerry Katona has decided her body is so ravaged that she needs a new one.

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

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Does anybody else remember when Kate Hudson’s hair was nominated for an Oscar back in 2001.

There’s reason for that you know. It’s been enrolled in acting classes since the age of four. It’s done stage work since the age of 12, and sometime in the sixties it got its big break playing the part of Charlton Heston’s beard in that Moses movie. We believe that the hair is actually what the Israelites volunteered to follow – it emoted smoke by day and fire by night.

We know this because we’ve seen the original script. It’s quite tattered.

Normally Kate Hudson’s hair earns her nothing but accolades and free head-strokings everywhere she goes. Now though – it’s kind of gotten her into a pretty big lawsuit.

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Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms - they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

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We knew this day would come, but we never really managed to prepare for it. It’s the day that - God, this is hard - Britney Spears gained self-awareness.

What makes us so sure of this? How about the fact that, despite rumours to the contrary, Britney Spears has refused to perform at this year’s MTV VMAs? Apparently she fears it’ll be a hopelessly incompetent retread of last year’s hopelessly incompetent MTV VMA performance, recently voted the biggest single atrocity to ever happen to mankind by us in a vote in our head just now.

You know what this means, don’t you? Without Britney Spears around, the MTV VMAs is going to be - gulp - professional. Urgh. Seriously, one of the Jonas Brothers had better be planning to soil himself onstage and then slip around in the mess like a baby deer on an ice rink, because right now that’s all we’ve got left to cling to.

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Nano War is something that we haven’t featured too often here recently - a real-time strategy game. And we haven’t featured too many of them because they sort of frighten us a bit.

Nano War is no exception. The game itself provides a pretty decent explanation of how to play Nano War, but here’s our effort - it’s like a sort of cellular war, where you have to overtake cells by sending some of your cells to invade them, and they’re trying to do the same to you and it all gets a bit complicated. Are you actually going to play Nano War after that horrible description. Gosh, you’re brave. We’re crap at it, by the way, but you should just take that as read by this point.

Play Nano War now