Posts from July, 2008

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody’s idea of a good film - something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.

So the received wisdom would be for George Lucas to just quietly retire Indiana Jones; to let him remain in our minds as the star of one good film, two mediocre films and one really terrible film. But this is George Lucas we’re talking about, so that obviously isn’t going to happen.

In a recent interview with The Times, George Lucas discussed various options for Indiana Jones 5 - a movie that looks certain to be made. Our favourite option? The one where George Lucas takes a knock to the head, forgets what Indiana Jones even is and never makes another film ever again. Please.

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It’s guaranteed that Big Brother will lose one of its favourites to win this week - Friday’s eviction is between nine housemates.

Although the Big Brother eviction was just meant to be between Dale and Luke, a bunch of other housemates decided to discuss nominations in the form of hopeless football metaphors that even a child could decode. So that means that Dale, Luke, Darnell, Kat, Maysoon, Mohamed, Rachael, Rex and Stuart are all up for Big Brother eviction this week. We’ll be discussing that tomorrow, you lucky dogs.

But today, who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

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It’s here! It’s finally here! The trailer to Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince - the most-anticipated movie adaptation of a book we’ve never wanted to read - is here!

Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince is the penultimate Harry Potter book, and although we snuck a look at the last page of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows once and therefore know exactly how everything ends, it still promises to be an exciting revenue stream rollercoaster of a movie experience.

So here it is, the brand new Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince trailer…

Now, we know that in all the excitement the Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince trailer just looked like a confusing jumble of words and pictures, so we’ve taken the time to decode it for for. That’s why we know that in Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince:

*Dumbledore comes out as a homosexual. He has to. Look at that scarf.

*There’s a creepy little kid who either turns out to be Voldemort or Darth Vader.

*Gandalf’s in it.

*In Hogwarts, they keep memories in little glass dildos.

*We discover what the other half of the half-blood prince is made out of. SPOILER ALERT - it’s marmalade.

You’re welcome.

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you’re thinking “Honestly, anyone but Bono.”

Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt - the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

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We’re so jealous of Miley Cyrus. She poses in a wet T-shirt on the internet and becomes a sensation - we do the same outside a greengrocers and we get arrested.

It isn’t on, really. And what’s more, a company has just offered Miley Cyrus a million dollars to become the face of its condom range. We’re so angry! Don’t these people know that becoming the face of a range of condoms is our sole life’s aim? We’d be so much better at stopping amorous couples from getting pregnant than stupid Miley Cyrus.

Or maybe not. In retrospect, getting Miley Cyrus to advertise contraception would be just about the best way to promote teen abstinence - imagine the phrase ‘coated with a tingling lubricant’ intoned in Miley Cyrus’ ancient emphysemic shriek. When would that make you want to have sex again? Never, that’s when.

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Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to a reaction to some super ultra-mysterious medication, so don’t even try to guess what it is.

But this is good news. No really, it is.

This provides science with empirical evidence about the number of cigarettes and mini bottles of booze cardiac muscle can tolerate, plus Amy gets another punch on her hospital card. One more visit and she gets a free colonoscopy with the purchase of a stomach pumping.

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From DIETPIXIE - If you thought the release of the worst single ever, Popozao, was the lowest point in Kevin Federline’s ‘career’– think again.

That’s because Britney Spears’ ex-husband plans to release a fitness DVD.

You see, K-Fed does not want to rely on the $20,000 a month he gets from Britney Spears to help him bring up their two kids Jayden James, 21 months, and two-year-old Sean Preston, who he was given full custody of earlier this month.

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Just a portion though. Had the rest of him been eaten our headline would have been 100 times more sensational. You know, it probably would have read ‘Shark Eats All Of Ryan Seacrest’ or something.

See what we mean? 100 times more sensational - that’s the stuff people want to read.

Had Seacrest been entirely consumed it probably would have been due to his utter refusal to preach Bible things to the Assyrians, whom we can all agree have been on a hot streak of wickedness in the past few weeks or so. He’d have to sit in the sharks belly just long enough to think about what it is he’d done, and sternly resolve to improve.

Actually, at this point it is widely unknown if Seacrest’s shark attack is a direct result of him offending the Almighty. We, however, having watched over ten minutes of last season’s American Idol, are pretty sure it was.

What more evidence can anyone ask for?

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Like many people, we felt alienated by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s announcement that they were expecting twins because they’re just so la-di-da and famous and whatnot.

What we needed was to hear that another celebrity couple were expecting twins, but only so long as they barely qualified as celebrities. Not household names, maybe slightly attractive but not critically praised for their jobs at all. Basically we were waiting for Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn to announce that they had twins on the way.

So hooray for today, because that’s exactly what has happened. Model and actress Rebecca Romijn has announced that she’s pregnant with twins fathered by Kangaroo Jack and Fat Slags star Jerry O’Connell. Here’s hoping that the twins have their mother’s eyes and their father’s… actually, no, let’s just cross our fingers and pray that the twins escape from the womb with none of Jerry O’Connell’s DNA whatsoever.

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There’s this great scene in the Transformers 2 script where Shia LaBeouf defeats Megatron forever by sewing a complex embroidery of a kitten in a sock.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action - complex or otherwise - for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

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