Posts from July, 2008

What a brilliant week! We’re losing two Big Brother housemates - first Maysoon walked out of the Big Brother house for no good reason, and there’s still tomorrow’s eviction to go.

Maysoon left the Big Brother house in her trademark style - it was boring and quiet and nobody really cared about it one way or the other - but that leaves eight housemates up for eviction. Why so many? Because the Big Brother housemates were caught discussing nominations in just about the most gormless way possible - by referring to each other in football terms. Darnell was Arsenal, Luke was Wigan, Kat was, we dunno, late-period Maradona or something. We won’t pretend we’re experts.

As yet, Paddy Power hasn’t listed this week’s Big Brother eviction odds, so instead we’re going to give you the Big Brother betting odds to win for nominated housemates Kat, Darnell and Mohamed instead and you can work backwards from there…

Read the rest of this entry »

Hello kids, Stu here. Thanks to a disastrously-advised drunken conversation I had with a one-legged stranger in a pub by the docks at lunchtime, I’m afraid I’ll be leaving you for the best part of a month, starting from right now.

It’s my own fault really, but you know how it is - a pirate slips something into your drink while you’re busy discussing Rebecca Romijn’s pregnancy and the next thing you know you’ve been clubbed on the head, thrown into a row-boat and forced to enter the world of late-night Channel Four comedy at cutlass-point. May God help my very soul.

I’ll have somehow managed to unchain myself from this pirate radiator by the last week of August, at which normal service will resume, but until then I’ll leave hecklerspray in the disgustingly capable hands of Ian Dransfield. Be nice to him, it was his birthday this week.

Ladies! Are you young, blonde, famous and determined to live out the minutiae of your personal life in the harrowing glare of the media?

You ARE? Well what are you waiting around here for? You’re exactly Lance Armstrong’s cup of tea. And he’s single too, now, so form an orderly queue and before long you - yes you! - could be feeling Lance’s solitary testicle smacking repeatedly against your inner thigh during one of several sordid bunk-ups!

Lance Armstrong is single, by the way, because he’s split up with Kate Hudson. They were going out. They were. What do you mean you didn’t know? Don’t you understand how important any of this is? Cuh.

Read the rest of this entry »

There’s nothing we like more than a best-dressed list - apart from, ooh, everything else is the world that isn’t a best-dressed list.

So imagine our delight when we discovered that Vanity Fair has just published its international best-dressed list for 2008. A big list of people who are primarily best-known for being able to buy, choose and wear clothes without ending up looking like big a pile of sweaty bumrags? Who wouldn’t love that!

Especially when the Vanity Fair best-dressed list contains such notable names from the world of entertainment as three-time Academy Award-winner Barack Obama’s wife, multi-platinum recording artist Prince William’s girlfriend and regional puppy-juggling contest semi-finalist Nicolas Sarkozy’s missus. Boy, do they know how to wear clothes adequately.

Read the rest of this entry »

We all know what happened to Shia LaBeouf this weekend - he got in his car drunk, drove it around all like “I’m the kid from Transformers! Wooo!” and then flipped it upside down.

Or did he? Detectives working on the case have revealed that Shia only crashed because the car he ploughed into had just run a red light. That means, according to the detectives, that Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the crash at all. So what happened?

Well, using our powerful skills of deduction we’ve worked out that, although he isn’t at fault, Shia LaBeouf still may or may not have been drunk  while he was driving the car before the crash. However, we can determine for certain that a) Shia LaBeouf is the kid from Transformers and b) Wooo.

Read the rest of this entry »

Listen to the internet and you’ll think that animals are lovable creatures with wrinkly noses and big adorable eyes. They’re not. They’re arseholes. This is It Will Kill You.

The traditional image of a panda is that of a docile, bamboo-chewing furball with no real interest in reproduction or causing harm to its environment. How completely wrong that is. Pandas, you see, are vicious little tosspots.

When pandas attack humans - which they do - it’s not for food like if a shark attacks you, and it’s not for protection like if a snake attacks you. No, a panda will attack you because it’s just a bit pissed off. Or because it just really, really likes your jacket. Either way, set a panda free and it will kill you.

Sometimes muscular dystrophy is stopped by well intentioned telethons raising money for its cure, and sometimes to stop it - you have to shoot it all to hell.

Jerry Lewis has tried the former thousands of times. He’s raised hundreds of millions of dollars to fight the disfiguring beast - but it keeps coming back. He raises more money… then it comes back again. It’s as if his efforts are all for nought.

Well Lewis has had it - he’s apparently found out where muscular dystrophy lives, and was flying there to confront it with a bullet-hungry gun. Airport authorities probably don’t care about the welfare of muscular dystrophy, and may even root for Lewis when the final battle goes down, but when they found him with a firearm on the far side of the metal detector, they had to detain him anyway.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, we’re so disappointed. The Bond theme for Quantum of Solace has been announced, and it’s not even called Quantum of Solace.

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked - it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” - but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.

Read the rest of this entry »

Keira Knightley is perfectly comfortable within her own body, which is odd because there’s really not much room in there.

So when people try messing about with the way she looks, Keira Knightley gets all stroppy. For example, the publicity department of Keira Knightley’s latest movie The Duchess think the film will be more popular if the film’s posters are airbrushed to give Keira Knightley a giant pair of knockers.

And, quite rightly, Keira Knightley has put her foot down. Her body is her body and she doesn’t want to mislead anybody about it. Besides, The Duchess is a costume drama, so the only way anyone can make the film popular is to airbrush a load of dinosaurs and robots and explosions and the phrase ‘It’s OK boys - you see nipples!’ onto the poster. Any fool knows that.

Read the rest of this entry »

Some games come with implicit statements of their difficulty - maybe they’re called Murderquest or Advanced PhD-Level Maths or feature 100-page instruction books. Not Go Go Plant, though.

Go Go Plant is a) a game about a walking plant and b) called Go Go Plant. How hard could it be? In a word - impossible. All you have to do in Go Go Plant is remember that the up arrow is fly, down is tunnel, left is catch and right is punch. That’s all you need to do. Up fly, down tunnel, left catch, right punch. They’re the only instructions in Go Go Plant. But we’ll let you work out how impossible it is for yourselves.

Play Go Go Plant now