Posts from June, 2008

Welcome to another edition of Why The Hell Hasn’t Mario Been Evicted Yet, aka the Big Brother betting odds.

This is an important one, because it’s your last chance to place a bet on tonight’s Big Brother eviction between Mohamed and Sylvia. The tension’s been high all week, or at least as high as it can be when everyone knows that Sylvia’s going to get thrown out of the Big Brother house. And a good thing, too - if she got any randier we’d be terrified that her genitals would actually catch fire.

But it’s no done deal yet, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Sylvia’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

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Ask yourself this - is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don't really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.

Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.

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Country music is scientifically proven to turn people into violent, woman-beating drunks - or is it just that only violent wife-beating drunks like country music?

Maybe we'll never know for sure, but let's forget the history for a moment and just laugh at the fat, allegedly woman-beating rednecks who go to country music concerts. Like the fat, allegedly woman-beating redneck who country star Tim McGraw hauled up onstage and ejected from a show in Washington on Tuesday night.

Best of all, there's video footage of the incident. An obnoxious fat cowboy who's too fat to be lifted off the ground by three other obnoxious cowboys? Sounds perfect, doesn't it? It's not - the video's got a country music soundtrack. Bleugh.

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Miley Cyrus is a name you have been forced to learn.  

This is because you have a pre-teen daughter, or because the whole world threw a giant hissy over her photos in Vanity Fair, or because you’re a bit pervy like the majority of hecklerspray readers, and virtually all of the male staff.  

But Miley Cyrus isn’t just kittens and cupcakes anymore. She’s angry, and she’s attempting to make the predictable jump from super sweet to angry and edgy in her new album. No, really. She totally is. 

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hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.

And literally during the march too - at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us - we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.

Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher - if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently - he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn't stab him. We reiterate - Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate - Cher can cut her own meat.

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Kanye West's stock in trade is furious, barely-legible indignation about people not realising that he's the greatest human in history, but he's outdone himself this time.

Not so long ago Kanye West performed a set at the Bonnaroo music festival that didn't go so well, possibly because he kept his crowd waiting for eight hours before finally dragging himself onstage at about 4:30am. And since Kanye West is a sage so wise that he rivals all of history's greatest thinkers, he's taken to the internet to construct a well-considered explanation for the mix up.

Just kidding - Kanye West's gone batshit! Properly, 94-exclamation-marks-in-a-row batshit. All-capital batshit. Confused, badly-formed batshit that doesn't make any sense. Hecklerspray commenter batshit. We're scared.

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FROM DIETPIXIE - We didn’t think it was possible, but Courtney Love this week became even more scary.

The controversial singer raised concerns about her health when she went shopping in LA wearing a 1920s see-through lace dress and looking like a bag of bones.

Sure, health scares and Courtney Love is not a new thing. Just like the words ‘Courtney Love’ and ‘scary’ are no strangers either.

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Hecklerspray loves Pong - it's been part of our top banner since roughly the dawn of time and all the better for it. But hecklerspray also has an attention span so pitifully small that… ooh look, a penny!

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, it's that some games of Pong seem to go on forever - sometimes anything up to three or four minutes. Borrring! So thank baby Jesus himself for Insane Pong. Insane Pong is like Pong, except there's only one ball, one match and one point. Bip bip bip finish, that's Insane Pong. Just one thing wrong, though - Insane Pong is a three-syllable title, and who the bum's going to play anything with a name that long? Jeez.

Play Insane Pong now

Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got - he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world - or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity - perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

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Oh, who are we kidding? Eviction schmischmiction - Jen and Dale are totally going to do it!

The first Big Brother romance of the year has just kicked off - we don’t count Mario and Lisa as a romance because they make us want to crap our eyes out with disgust - and it’s so, well, romantic. Forget that Jen is married and lives with her husband and baby and that Dale apparently has a girlfriend - they’re going to do it! Oh, the enchanting mutual infidelity! We’re suckers for it every time!

Anyway, there’s a Big Brother eviction happening tomorrow, and Mohamed and Sylvia are up. So here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

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