Posts from June, 2008

If you’ve missed Big Brother lately, you’ll find that the house is quite a different place at the moment.

Why? Because Sylvia, the Sierra Leone civil war refugee who obviously wanted to hump everything that moved, was evicted from Big Brother on Friday night.

And since the eviction came hours after Dennis, the obnoxious Scottish gay one, was removed from the house for spitting in Mohamed’s face, the atmosphere between the Big Brother campers is as poisonous as it’s ever been. But, lord, emotional trauma is so entertaining.

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are our Big Brother betting odds to win for Lisa, Jennifer, Stuart and Dale, with help from Paddy Power…

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Yes, you read that right, a Verne Troyer sex tape update - because you obviously haven't heard enough what Mini-Me looks like when he's having it off.

Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn't especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend's mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill.

So he's sued them. And he's sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They're big lawsuits, too - if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!

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Well how about that - the way to Uma Thurman's heart doesn't involve drawing pictures of her digging your grave and tittering after all.

We'll be blown. Apparently if you want Uma Thurman to fall in love with you you should probably be a multimillionaire businessman who doesn't live in a car parked freakishly close to Uma Thurman's house. That's the tactic used by Arpad "Arki" Busson, anyway, and it's seemed to work for him.

That's because Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson have just announced their engagement. The news will come as a bitter to Uma Thurman's convicted stalker Jack Jordan, although it's not all bad news - he apparently hopes it'll be a long engagement so that he can turn up to the wedding with his special handmade confetti made from tiny little cutouts of disturbing headless brides.

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The first lot good; the second not so good.

Folded:

• Hannah Sandling (beyond cute cutie)

• Dark Beige (Mathew Clifton’s very funny Onion-esque blog. Start petitioning the BBC for ‘Dimewatch’ right now)

• Old Skool R&B (perfect for the hot weather we don’t currently have)

• The Happening (why does everyone hate this? Because everyone tells them to)

• GTA IV Does The Naked Gun (inspired)

Creased:

• Matthew McConaughey (remember when this guy had a promising career back in 1996? Long time ago)

• Zezi (Channel 4’s latest: a fat bird with an attitude)

• George Lamb (friend of Zezi: bow tie, grey, needs a haircut)

• Opticians (they force you to have another eye test every couple of months just to get some contact lenses. And guess what? Your prescription hasn’t changed in the slightest!!)

• Useless Royal Mail (don’t post anything that you want to arrive on time or, actually, anything you want to arrive at all)

You might have been wondering what the new James Bond move Quantum Of Solace will be like - surely it can't be as bad as the title, right?

Well, get ready to find out. The first footage from Quantum Of Solace has appeared online, and it gives a dead-on indication of what the finished movie will be like - it'll be ten seconds long and mostly about James Bond trying to kick a man's jaw off.

OK, so the online footage of Quantum of Solace isn't particularly revelatory - in fact watching it feels a little bit like listening to a toddler's breathless description of a petrol station blowing up - but we do have the video after the jump, and it's not something that any ADD sufferers who haven't got bored of endless parkour scenes in movies yet will want to miss.

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Madonna is like the wind blowing across a round Irish hill, gently carving a path through its tall waving grass.

She is like one thousand butterflies gracefully fluttering their wings as they fly around a dead tree that was felled by beavers like five years or something. She is like a tiger that can’t be tamed, like a peanut butter sandwich that can’t be eaten in less than two sittings.

Also, she is like an old woman who is tired of being married by some reports, and so is consulting the same divorce lawyer that helped Paul McCartney weave his way back to single-dom.

She is like a hecklerspray article that you simply must read more of…

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It looks like 2008 has turned into the year of strikes - even the most comically pointless, vanity-fuelled professions are packing up their tools in a huff.

By which we, of course, mean acting. Just a few short months after the Hollywood writers strike came bumbling to an end, the two big actor unions are squabbling over whether or not they should go on strike too. And in times as troubled as these a wise, near-biblical hero figure is needed to set everything back on course.

And, with thudding inevitability, that figure is George Clooney. George Clooney has written a letter to both the Screen Actors Guild (which wants to strike) and the American Federation of TV and Radio Artists (which doesn't) proclaiming his clear and ineffably correct opinion on who's right and who's wrong. Turns out he thinks that everyone's right. Nice going George, that could have got nasty.

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One day, our constant stereotype abuse will probably land us with either a smack in the chops or a lawsuit.

If anything, we’d prefer the latter, not because it’ll make us look big, hard and more attractive to socialites but due to the fact we have bugger all to our name. If a Hollywood superstar wants our collection of cigarette packets or dated takeaway menus, then let bring it on! 

This week’s band – Dananananaykroyd hail from bonny Scotland. So naturally, we assumed that they’d be red headed, wear nothing but tartan and have a diet that consisted of only deep-fried Mars Bars and gallons of Irn Bru. Oh, and we thought that bagpipes had to feature somewhere. Apart from the bagpipes, we aren’t sure if our assumptions on the band are true, but maybe in a probing interview one day we can find that out. For now, we’ll concentrate on their music. 

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As fun as rollercoasters are, we just wish that they were a bit more, you know, thrilling. Perhaps if they were controlled by safety-ignoring maniacs who actively encourage the loss of human life then we'd like them more.

And, in essence, that's what Rollercoaster Rush is - you play a rollercoaster brakeman who has to try and walk the gossamer divide between 'boringly safe' and 'sociopathic murderer'. Send the Rollercoaster Rush cart around sensibly and all the passengers will hate you for ruining their day, but send them around too fast and you'll smash them into terrified jam. Can you get the balance right? Can you? Oh, who are we kidding - you're killing them all on purpose, aren't you.

Play Rollercoaster Rush now 

Sooty hasn't been on TV for a while. But you probably hadn't noticed because a) you're not a child and b) Sooty is the rubbishest children's character ever.

But despite being so rubbish and boring that it'd be more fun to watch a TV show about a static eggcup full of gravel from Norfolk, Sooty is back! Puppeteer Richard Cadell has just bought the rights to Sooty from Hit Entertainment for close to a million pounds.

Now comes the real problem - Cadell needs to try and work out how to update Sooty and make him relevant for today's sophisticated youth. Though, just to clear things up, Sooty's Real Life Pub Car Park Knife Fights was our idea first. Don't be copying us, Cadell.

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