Posts from June, 2008

Good news, people who still care about Cameron Diaz despite countless reasons why you shouldn't - it looks like your girl's got herself engaged.

Cameron Diaz has been seen out and about with a gigantic diamond ring wedged right onto her wedding ring finger, prompting speculation that she's going to get married to Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Exciting!

Only you should probably dismiss that notion, because Cameron Diaz's people have said that she isn't engaged, and that the ring she was seen waving around so furiously recently was an old ring of hers that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger in public.

So maybe Cameron Diaz is engaged and maybe she isn't. One thing's for sure - we genuinely couldn't care less about any of it either way. Hooray for us!

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Anne Hathaway has it all - a glittering movie career, a winning personality and a face that's just very slightly too big for her skull.

But there's one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn't have any more, and that's a millionaire Italian boyfriend who's been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupid millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn't even got one of those. What an idiot.

Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape?

Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it'd be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.

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Note to cherished hecklers of the world - Hecklerspray is now proud to reveal that it is now participating in the rather fantastic new 'Yahoo Buzz' beta programme.

Yahoo Buzz is a new aggregator of hot stories doing the rounds on a few hundred hand-picked news sites, Hecklerspray included, and we want your help to 'buzz up' our stories so they feature prominently on the Yahoo Buzz site. The most buzzworthy stories appear on the Yahoo homepage, which would make for a very happy team here at Hecklerspray Towers.

So please look out for the Yahoo Buzz buttons that we've placed on every page. Be sure to 'buzz up' the stories that you like, and also the ones you don't like. Just click the Buzz button on and submit it (Digg-style) to Yahoo Buzz to push Hecklerspray on to the Yahoo News front page.

You'll need a Yahoo email account for it to work and if you haven't got one yet then there's a very good reason for grabbing one quickly because Yahoo has released 'ymail' . This means you can probably get a decent email address rather than britneyspears77364@hotmail.com.

Think about it: working on the principle that a Buzzed-Up story will be read by a legion of non-typical Hecklerspray readers, many of whom will inevitably leave a flurry of bad-tempered, largely illegible comments that miss the point entirely, allowing you to cruelly tear them a new one, it'll be worth it.

Jessica Simpson says her dad didn’t fit her for her first training bra.

Let’s face it, no one ever thought that he did. In fact, we all went about blissfully without ever having thought about it at all. But now that the topic has been broached and your day has been ruined by the mental image, all we can think is “Joe Simpson fit his daughter for a training bra?? Ewwww…” That, and, “We missed a story about Joe Simpson fitting his daughter for a training bra??”

We apologise for missing such an important, vomit-inducing piece of journalism. It shall not happen again. We will be the first to supply you with details when Joe Simpson details accounts of fitting his daughter for her second and third training bras, as well as every subsequent regular bra up to the present.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

In today's world, it's not uncommon to talk about human beings orbiting the earth, walking on the moon or sometimes somebody who's done that kind of stuff driving cross country in diapers to possibly murder her boyfriend's true love. A long time ago though - say hundreds or thousands of years - mankind must have thought the only thing living way up in the heavens was God himself.

Except for the people who already knew of mortals flying beyond the stratosphere. They'd not be surprised by our space-flight accomplishments at all. There's allegedly evidence that some people cite to prove astronauts were around a long, long time ago.

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It's shaping up to be quite a controversial weekend box office summer, with films starring dead people, films that actors have refused to promote and - worst - Sex And The City.

But no film this summer is likely to be as controversial as Wall-E, the latest Pixar movie to top the weekend box office. It's hard to think of a more uncommercial-sounding movie than a film about a silent robot compacting rubbish on a deserted planet, but that's what Wall-E is.

And Wall-E isn't just a commercial success, either. As well as being number one in the US weekend box office, the movie has also been called 'perfect' by more than one reviewer. Yeah? So what - there's a bit in The Love Guru where it sounds like Mike Myers is calling someone 'cuntface' when he's not and it's funny, so shove that up your critically adored poop-chute, Wall-E.

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Will Smith has reached the pinnacle of his career - acting exclusively in films where he gets to save the world - and now he wants more.

Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?

True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!

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"Am I here to amuuz you?" Joe Pesci once menacingly asked in Goodfellas. Well, yes you are, to be honest.

It's hard to admit it, but we are always very entertained by sociopaths in movies. Maybe it's something in our DNA which finds nutters fascinating.

Now, at Hecklerspray we deplore violence. But, as we said before, violence in films is fine - because it's not real. As anyone who has been on public transport will testify, we all sometimes wish we were Tony Montana or Tony Soprano.

Somebody pushes past you without apologising? You hit them over the head with a fuck-off axe while shouting "You Goddamn cock-a-roach!" Someone cuts you up on the road? You pull him out of your car and kick the crap out of them.

Now, you would never actually do such a terrible thing. But, let's face it, we've all thought it. You haven't? What are you, a fucking boy scout? Anyway, the point is we have all thought of mindless violence in our head, but would never actually dream of doing it.

The sociopaths below, of course, would. And that's why we actually quite admire them.

Oh, and they shoot people and say cool things. So, say hello to our leetle friends!!

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Oh, look, you know the drill by now - this is a Bloons game, so you're a monkey and you throw darts at balloons and you pop them and eventually you win. The end.

But because this is Bloons Player Pack 4, it's one of those Bloons games where all the levels have been created by Bloons fans. That is to say, it's one of those Bloons games where everyone tries to make their level as impossible as they can and you end up realising why these people aren't game designers in the first place. But, oh Bloons - lovely Bloons - we just can't stay mad at you, can we?

Play Bloons Player Pack 4 now 

Soap operas are brilliant, aren’t they? They all give a retrospective insight into life in the various locations where they are all filmed.

In Emmerdale for instance, all the characters belong to rival farming tribes and live in the middle of nowhere. Coronation Street is full of a variety of characters, from the old, young and transsexual. But the best has to be EastEnders. It's attempt at showing murky gangster activity is hilarious. All these soaps also have one thing in common. 

It doesn't matter how legendary a soap character is, as soon as they've been killed off they'll never work on television again. For one unlucky EastEnders character, their 14-year stint is soon to be over. But who is it? Find out after the jump.

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If you've missed Big Brother lately, you'll find that the house is quite a different place at the moment.

Why? Because Sylvia, the Sierra Leone civil war refugee who obviously wanted to hump everything that moved, was evicted from Big Brother on Friday night.

And since the eviction came hours after Dennis, the obnoxious Scottish gay one, was removed from the house for spitting in Mohamed's face, the atmosphere between the Big Brother campers is as poisonous as it's ever been. But, lord, emotional trauma is so entertaining.

So who'll win Big Brother? Here are our Big Brother betting odds to win for Lisa, Jennifer, Stuart and Dale, with help from Paddy Power...

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Yes, you read that right, a Verne Troyer sex tape update - because you obviously haven't heard enough what Mini-Me looks like when he's having it off.

Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn't especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend's mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill.

So he's sued them. And he's sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They're big lawsuits, too - if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!

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