Posts from May, 2008

In case you missed the news, the UK is the rubbishest in the world at Eurovision - even rubbisher than Spain’s creepy Elvis-geek.

On Saturday the UK Eurovision entry Andy Abraham came joint last - along with some nondescript Germans and a Polish tooth machine who looks like she bathes in Ronseal - causing Terry Wogan to mumble furiously about political block voting and boycotts and even his own resignation if our crap songs weren’t taken as seriously as mainland Europe’s crap songs in the future.

And now Terry Wogan’s outraged warcry has been backed up by none other than Bruce Forsyth. Old men grumbling about stuff? Who’d have thought?

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Everyone’s had to do food technology at school. Like music and RE, it was one of the joke subjects that gave everyone a break during their day.

Teachers taught you how to make bread, confusing because we thought bread came from a cow or some other zoo animal as it was always on the shelf at the supermarket. Why bother slaving away for a few hours in the kitchen when you could buy it in a few minutes?

Only since leaving education has hecklerspray felt inspired to widen our culinary skills to more than cheese on toasts, Super Noodles and kebabs. Inspirational chefs like Gordon Ramsay and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall always tell us anyone can cook and this really has been proven. Second rate rapper Coolio now has his own cookery show which just seems to be something from a sketch show.

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“There can only be one.” God, we should be so lucky.

Clearly, Hollywood producers were not paying attention when these words were famously uttered in Highlander – a 1986 film starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery, just in case you weren’t sure. How else can you explain the three shitty sequels, the two turgid TV series, the endless crap novels and the pointless cartoons that have followed it?

And, more importantly, how else do you explain why they are already planning another film?

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Now that Eurovision has come and gone and depressed all British people, it’s time to look for something else to bet on. Sadly, nothing’s quite as important as Eurovision, so we’ve settled on the next best thing.

That’s right, the US presidential elections. But we’re not going to bother ourselves with any of this ‘Who’ll win?’ malarkey - instead we’re focusing on what the next scandal to hit the candidates will be. None are likely to be as funny as Barack Obama’s kooky reverend, but if they happen and get confirmed by either Bloomberg, CNN or Fox, you’ll win. Profiting from other people’s misery - what could possibly be sweeter?

Here are the US election betting odds for a shop lifting scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

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Being a celebrity is not all it’s cracked up to be. You may look at the fancy lifestyle and think these pampered stars have it easy. Well, you’re wrong.

You try satisfying the demands of an adoring public. You try dealing with the taunts from the media. You try picking out the perfect dress for the after-Oscar party. Such heavy demands are always going to take its toll. And when celebrities lose it – they usually lose it pretty bad. It’s like watching a crazed chimp turn on their masters after being prodded by a stick for 19 hours.

And to make it worse, when they finally do explode, we revel in their misery. Watch the clips of them making tits of themselves over and over again, laughing at their misfortune. Are they not just human, after all? If you cut them, do they not bleed?

Anyway, hecklerspray has come up with the top nine moments when celebs have really lost the plot…
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Everyone’s known that Wesley Snipes is a bad man ever since he was convicted for, um, you know, something about taxes and money and whatever.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast - Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

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The hot and cold weather for this week.

Folded:

• Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (loved the start…)

• The Inbetweeners (E4 hits the spot with a hilariously crass new sitcom. Think lots of mum jokes and you’re there)

• Suntory Japanese Whiskey (not half bad, and now available in Tesco)

• Dpad magazine (slickly made online games mag. Don’t pay a fiver in the shops, just read this)

• Hale and Pace’s ‘Yorkshire Airlines’ sketch (don’t forget microwaving the cat too. These guys were never crap)

Creased:

• Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (…hated the end)

• Placebo (BBC Three strikes again. Ugh! Open a window)

• Battlestar Galactica DVD box set price hike in HMV (suddenly £45 becomes £70?! Mental people run this company)

• Dom Joly’s The Complainers on Five (a point for Dom, minus one for everyone else)

• Michelle in GTA IV (cow)

Oprah Winfrey’s name has become synonymous with yo-yo dieting over the years.

From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of “yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs“, Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you’ve still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

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Jordan has kindly agreed to bring home an equestrian gold medal for Britain from a nonspecific future Olympic game, but only on two conditions:

1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it’ll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it’s name on a roster down in ol’ Beijing.

If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago.

By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse’s natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they’d really sport a chance.

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Shania Twain and Mutt Lange had one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood. Except that they live about 6,000 miles away from Hollywood.

Oh, and it doesn’t seem like they could have been all that happy either. Actually, just discount that entire opening sentence, it’s pretty much all bollocks.

Anyway, the reason why Shania Twain’s marriage was so unhappy was because her husband Mutt Lange was apparently schtupping another woman. Another woman who worked for Shania and Mutt. Another woman who Shania Twain considered to be her best friend. Seriously, if one of these people isn’t given their own reality TV show soon we’ll be buggered.

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