Posts from May, 2008

If it’s not soaring petrol costs, immigrants stealing all the crap jobs that no-one wants or obesity, then there’s always one story on TV - bloody global warming and our apparently massive carbon footprint.

While the USA, China, India and other big fuck off countries do nothing to force their citizens into any vague ecological action, it’s the UK that suffers. Rubbish pop stars and crap celebrities rally round to try and make us believe they give a shit and shake off any twatty image they may have.

How do they do this? That’s right, by song. Which is why indie twig Johnny Borrell is going to environmentally gig it up with a band made up of MPs. Maybe they’ll cover the cost by putting it on their expenses.

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The US presidential election is getting closer and closer, which means you have less and less time to cynically profit from it.

So thanks heavens for us - we’ve got all the US election betting odds you could ever wish for right here. Not the important betting odds about who’ll win, you understand, but what the next scandal to blow up in a candidate’s face will be. It’s better this way. Trust us.

Here are the US election betting odds for a DUI scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

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Celine Dion and water go way back - let’s not forget that her biggest hit was about the tragic watery deaths of 1,517 people in the freezing North Atlantic.

So with a relationship like that, you’d think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so - she’s been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year.

To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.

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It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

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As an absentee father and ex-convict, Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan doesn’t get to take the moral high ground all that often.

But sometimes it happens, and it sure is sweet when it does. For instance, now that his ex-wife Dina Lohan can be seen distastefully pimping out her 14-year-old daughter Ali for cash in the reality TV show Living Lohan every week, Michael has voiced his concerns about the exploitation and hypocrisy on show in a new blog specifically about Living Lohan on OK! magazine’s website.

Slagging off your ex-wife and teenage daughter in public for a fee? That certainly sounds like the moral high ground to us. Michael Lohan, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

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Back when Hulk Hogan was in his prime, the only things he’d destroy were a series of flimsy T-shirts and the national flags of his foreign rivals.

But that’s not enough for Hulk Hogan’s kids. First Hogan’s son Nick wrote off his car - and any chances of his passenger having a normal life - in a spectacular crash, and now it turns out that Hulk Hogan’s daughter Brooke has been in a car crash of her own.

Brooke Hogan getting into a car accident just days after her younger brother was sentenced to eight months in prison for his crash is just plainly irresponsible. If only Brooke had the foresight to make the news for something unrelated to an automobile accident - maybe stabbing a pensioner in the neck or becoming a prostitute - we’re sure her father would be sleeping much more easily at night.

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A lot of fuss has been made about the upcoming GI Joe movie - the most high-profile film about a man with no testicles and swivelly eyes since whatever Orlando Bloom was in last.

However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.

However, if anything’s going to give Sienna Miller the fame she’s missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it’ll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that’s for sure.

If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don’t get too excited - it’s still Sienna Miller we’re talking about here.

Hollywood gossip, being what it is, has provided outlandish entertainment to all of us for years.

Remember, for example, in 1991 when it was discovered Emmanuel Lewis was actually the kidney that stunted Gary Coleman’s growth? Or what about when Air Bud lost his leg to an enormous electric pencil sharpener mistakenly left on and churning by the owner’s alcoholic teenage son? Well that last one really isn’t a good example because it was eventually proven in court - Lifetime actually did an entire mini series on it. We think.

Well now we’ve got another of those stories for you, and of equal or lesser caliber too - Lindsay Lohan is apparently maritally engaged to a super-ugly man that is actually a mediocre woman.

We think she was mediocre anyway. We really don’t remember as several weeks ago a picture of her made us poke out our own eyes.

We don’t know, though. She could have been alright.

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Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called ‘Gollum’ who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too.

Then there’s our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien’s 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn’t like people enjoying themselves.

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This is a bit of a secret, so keep it under your hats, but apparently Paul McCartney is quite good at music.

That’s not because Paul McCartney was one of the principle songwriters in the world’s biggest-ever band, mind you. No, it’s because Paul McCartney has now been given an honorary Doctor of Music degree from Yale University. Just an honorary one, mind you - Paul McCartney isn’t that good at music.

Despite the token nature of the doctorate, Paul McCartney’s new title means that he now gets to fist-fight Dr Fox to determine who has the most pointlessly hokey medical-sounding title. Careful, Sir Paul - Foxy fights dirty, plus you’re really bloody old. The odds aren’t looking great.

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It’s been 19 years since the fedora-wearing, wise-cracking, whip-snapping Indiana Jones last graced our screens, and so his return comes with as much trepidation as it does excitement.

It also makes Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull a hard film to write a review for - it’s not often that a beloved franchise from your childhood gets a sequel made this long after its original trilogy was closed.

Let’s not forget how the Star Wars prequels were wasted opportunities.

So does Indy 4 shine like the Ark of the Covenant? Or does it stink like a 700-year-old knight?

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Horoscopes are inherently brilliant and always right. Just the other day our horoscope said that we’d wake up crying because we made such a mess of our lives, and guess what? We did!

But some horoscopes are so boring, aren’t they. Always telling you how to live your life. YAWN! We only want to read horoscopes that tell us how to dress from now on, which is marvellous because OSOYOU has published a brand new Style Horoscope.

It’s quite cool - you look up your star sign and you’re greeted with a brief outline of your ideal style and a bunch of clothes and accessories that match your personality type. Apparently we’d look good in Fuchsia Euphoria lipstick and some Ciel gold satin trousers. Crazy - that’s what we’re already wearing!

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Style Horoscopes - OSOYOU