Posts from May, 2008

Fans of Victoria Beckham’s 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst.

You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise - money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

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Ready for some more Eurovision betting odds? Of course you are. Don’t try to kid yourself, it makes you look fat.

Since this is the first week of Eurovision rehearsals - of which we’ve been meticulously watching for your benefit - we thought we’d fill you in on some of the more recent developments we’ve noticed. The Latvians do a dance that looks like swordfighting and the Swiss bloke’s routine involves standing quite still. You’re welcome.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Slovenia, with help from Paddy Power…

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Amy Winehouse is like a bad news magnet at the moment - apparently it’s a magnet that also seems to repel soap.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today - police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

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Looks like this is the week for Britney Spears to revisit her old tricks.

First Britney Spears sauntered back onto the set of How I Met Your Mother for her much-heralded follow-up cameo and now she’s started crashing her car again with all the wild abandon you’d expect from a recovering psychiatric patient who’s too unfit to look after her own children.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears yesterday ploughed her Mercedes into the back of another woman’s car near Sunset Boulevard. Nobody was hurt in the crash, but we should all be aware of the wider implications of this; if Britney Spears really is revisiting her old tricks then everyone needs to take cover right away before she starts waggling her grotty old flim-flam around all willy-nilly again.

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Now that she’s got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook.

Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up.

Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn’t even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.

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Hey everyone, Woody Allen’s got a new movie coming out! Wait, where are you going? Come back!

Look, we know that most people would rather remove their bellend with the rough side of a cheesegrater than actually watch a Woody Allen film these days, primarily because they’re all uniformly rubbish, but this one - entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona - is different.

OK, it’s probably not that different at all really - we’re willing to bet it’ll be as painfully rubbish to watch as anything else Woody Allen has released in the last 20 years - but in this one Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a bit of a kiss. We’ve got the video after the jump, effectively saving you the price of a cinema ticket. We’re good to you, no?

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How many rap superstars have gone to prison in the past few years? 100? 200? Well we don’t have an exact count, but we heard that in Atlanta they make up more than half of the incarcerated population.

Further rumor has it that while in there they all join together making beautiful music banging tin coffee cups on their cell bars and slapping out dope beats by smacking soap-on-a-rope into the bare bottoms of their cell mates. It’s all melody they tell us.

And on the chain gang they sing into their pickaxes. It’s just what we heard.

Whatever stories you’ve heard about rappers in prison before – forget them. They pale in comparison to this one. That’s because this one involves Remy Ma getting smuggled a possible means of escape by her rhyme-loving groom.

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Michael Moore is getting ready to make another film about his favourite subject - no not cake, you horribly offensive fool, we mean President Bush.

According to reports, Michael Moore is preparing ground to make a sequel to his 2004 anti-George Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. The new movie has a working title of Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2, although it’s expected that Michael Moore will formally change it to Fahrenheit 9/11: Nyer Nyer Nyer I Was Right All Along Let’s Hear It For Michael Moore I’m The Best I’m The Best nearer the release date.

Anyway, will this new Michael Moore documentary succeed where Fahrenheit 9/11 failed and push George Bush out of office for good? Even better than that - George Bush is going to stop being president about six months before Moore’s film is released. Hooray! Another righteous victory for Michael Moore!

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‘Bring earplugs’ they said. ‘Stand at the back’ they said. ‘They’re the loudest band in New York’ they said.

Well ‘they’ get top marks for believing the hype, but they could also require after-hours schooling for a little reality, because if A Place To Bury Strangers are the loudest band in New York then the city that never sleeps is in line for some well deserved shut eye.

It may be the aural abilities of The Legion, Shoreditch’s nearest thing to an alpine ski bar, but even stood close to the stage with ears unplugged, our tympanic membranes remain intact and not even a drop of blood trickles from our auditory canal.

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Now calm down, Rainbow Web isn’t a disgusting euphemism for jizz like you probably think it is - it’s a fun little puzzle game that absolutely doesn’t have anything to do with jizz. We really can’t stress that enough.

Rainbow Web 2 is so fast and furious and fun that we’ve been hooked on it for some time now. It’s your usual ‘match the coloured tiles’ puzzler, but the ingenious inclusion of letters into Rainbow Web 2 gives it a life expectancy far beyond many of the other generic puzzley games we’ve had here. Plus Rainbow Web 2 is indirectly about spiders. And who doesn’t like spiders, eh?

Order Rainbow Web 2 Now

Download Rainbow Web 2

When summer comes thundering round, we all know what it’s set to bring - ice cream, crappy weather and another soul-sapping series of Big Brother.

In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.

It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.

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To all intents and purposes, Davina McCall is Big Brother - she’s the friendly face who only has to shout a lot and ask breathtakingly awful exit interview questions.

So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other.

Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won’t be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won’t be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it’ll probably go on forever. If you need us, we’ll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

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