Posts from May, 2008

Forget your Fellinis, Godards, Spielbergs and David Leans, this article is dedicated to those directors who have really scraped the cinematic barrel to deliver us some of the worst movies imaginable.

Except they’re not the ones behind Jaws: The Revenge, the 1976 version of King Kong or Flashdance - no, these are ‘name’ directors, the ones who have by now been cemented as the worst of their kind.

The difference is that most of those mentioned below have arguably, at one time or another, had a good movie in them - it was the films that followed that secured their reputations for being among the worst famous directors ever.

Read and weep boys…

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Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent’s next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying.

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ’suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

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Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets - Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway - Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

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WBet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who’s threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right?

Of course you do. That’s terribly exciting news. But you’re not going to hear anything about that for a while - not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is probably R Kelly.

Alright, so maybe ‘probably’ is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn’t very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly’s face onto the sex tape - a shock testimony that, if it is to be believed, immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn’t R Kelly. This is nailbiting stuff, people.

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Cover versions can be tricky little buggers. Rather like movie remakes, they can sometimes surpass the original (Heat), just about offer a flattering copy (The Ring), or completely murder the hell out of the original and leave all fans of it employing small animals to scratch out their eyeballs (Get Carter).

Songs are a lot shorter than your average film though, and therefore, should be a lot harder to make a mess of. Although not if you’re Mark Ronson, whose grindingly shit (and admittedly incredibly successful) take on covers involves simply a jaunty rhythm and a trumpet. Again. And. Again.

Anyway, whatever the failings of the twat in the hat, you surely can’t go wrong with an album packed full of Bob Dylan belters can you? Well, maybe in some ways you can.

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This week’s soft and hard cookies

Folded:

• Track-a-partner.com (find out if your partner is cheating on you by tracking their mobile phone signal)

• Sex and the City: The Movie (the ladies are still muttony mutton, but the film is surprisingly OK)

• In Bed with Medinner (just been scanning some of this GENIUS television on YouTube. Remember it first time around? It’s got even better with age)

• Bob Mills or ‘Millsy’ (see above - Charlie Brooker is the nearest modern day equivalent for this TV pundit/piss-taker/VHS God, but as good as he is, Millsy will always reign supreme. Myfanwy anyone?

• Schweine by Glukoza (as featured in GTA IV. Notwithstanding any political connotations, this is a crackling comedy toe-tapper. A Google image search for Glukoza turned up some promising results too)

Creased:

• The Tube - Underground (doesn’t get any better, does it?)

• American Dad season 3 DVD (not useless, but just seems as though most of the jokes could have been condensed into Family Guy)

• The return of Neil Diamond (some old singers should just stay dead)

• Cheap suitcases (why do we wait for these things to fall apart – usually on our actual journey – until we buy a new one?)

• Brothers and Sisters (geez, this show is more boring than getting your hair cut)

It must be great to be married to a comedic actor.

You would always be rolling on the floor with laughter and your text messages would be constantly filled with zany LOLs and your knee would have a constant bruise from all that knee-slapping hilarity.

That is unless you’re Bill Murray’s wife, in which case you’d be rolling on the floor after being clocked by your drunk, drugged up husband and you’d have non-hilarity induced bruises. Or at least, those are some of the things Bill Murray’s wife is saying led to her filing for divorce from Bill Murray just now.

Now what do we learn here, ladies? We learn that marrying a man for his stunning good-looks does not make for a lasting relationship.

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Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over!

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason - it really works!

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Beverly Hills Cop 3 left all manner of questions unanswered - ranging from “A big wheel? Huh?” to “Deary piss, why hasn’t this film ended yet?”

So praise be that Eddie Murphy has finally decided to go and make the long-anticipated but massively unwanted Beverly Hills Cop 4. We haven’t been this excited by anything Eddie Murphy’s done since every single lunatic decision about his personal life that he’s made in the last decade.

However, it’s been 14 years since the last Beverly Hills Cop movie was released, so Beverly Hills Cop 4 will need to reflect where Eddie Murphy’s career has taken him in the meantime. In short, all the characters in Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be played by Eddie Murphy and they’ll all wear female fat suits and the whole thing will be set inside Eddie Murphy’s head and there’ll be a talking raccoon in there somewhere as well. Oh, and it’ll be crap.

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When we look at bands being all moody, we’ve come to realise something. Where have all the girls with attitude gone?

Hecklerspray knows that there are plenty of girly singers around at the moment, but they all seem to be weeping over a dead plant or delivering a turbo-charged period rant about their boyfriend being a twat.

Wracking our brains, we can’t think of any female solo artists out there making music that aren’t a) the eye candy in the band (Abi from The Zutons) b) taking their clothes off to sell music (most crap generic dance songs) c) developing some sort of rebellious attitude (Peaches or M.I.A). So imagine our joy to discover Wroooaar! - a female who is making music doing none of the above! And to make things better, it’s one of our favorite styles of electronic music – chiptune!

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Oh heavens, it’s another Bloons game. Time to kiss goodbye to our free time again. Drat.

However, Bloons Pop Three isn’t a typical Bloons game. Bloons Pop Three is - wait for it - a tile matching game. You know, the kind of generic tile-matching game that we shove down your throats when we can’t find any other good games to let you play. Give Bloons Pop Three a go, though, because it’s maddeningly addictive - you can still pull off all the old Bloons special tricks, there doesn’t seem to be a time limit and it’ll make you inexplicably hungry for jelly beans. Honest.

Play Bloons Pop Three now

Is there any more gloriously simple concept than the ‘fail’?

It may well come to be the true defining buzzword of the Web 2.0 (or 3.0, or wherever the pissing Christ we are these days) generation. The notion is so pure and undistilled as to be genius: take a picture - either your own or sourced from elsewhere - of a human or animal plumbing the absolute depths of idiocy or loserdom, whack a big old ‘FAIL’ across the photo and share with the world. Done.

Just goes to prove: who says Oscar Wilde is the epitome of wit? Hecklerspray has read The Portrait Of Dorian Gray, and frankly there isn’t a single moment in there that made us snort out loud as much as anything on Shipment Of Fail - the interweb’s premier collection of timewasting laughability.

Got a few hours to waste? Here you go:

Shipment Of Fail