Posts from May, 2008

Why are we so ashamed of the Eighties? Don’t believe us? OK, why then do we always associate it with greed and excess? Why do we laugh at the fashion mistakes? Why do we find ourselves hiding the 80s tracks we’ve downloaded into our iPods?

It’s true. In the Decades family, the 1980s is like the brash middle brother no one talks to at functions because he’s obsessed with money, carries a phone the size of a house brick and has a really bad perm. Well, hecklerspray is not standing for it any more. We’re loud and proud. We are children of the Eighties and we’re not ashamed to say it.

And to prove it wasn’t all New Romantics, Rubik’s Cubes and yuppies, we’ve compiled 14 reasons why the 1980s kicked ass.

Now, we could go on for hours about the great music and movies of the period, but we’re going to focus purely on the lovely ladies of the era. And, if you can forgive the big hair and shoulder pads, it really was a golden one.

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Welcome one and all to Movies From Beyond where we discuss all things a little edgy you might find on DVD and brand new shiny high definition Blu-Ray.

We love nothing more than watching forgotten gems, B-movies and blood & guts cult classics as well as the occasional new release that quenches our collective thirst for the occult, like the newly released Halloween as remade by Rob Zombie. Also this week: Death Wish…

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Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

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Madonna might turn 50 in a matter of months, but so long as she’s still a voice and a working fanny, she can’t be stopped.

And, with a brand new album of all the songs Timbaland hasn’t already sold to Nelly Furtado or Justin Timberlake or Ashlee Simpson in stores, it was only a matter of time before Madonna decided to go travelling round the world charging her fans a month’s wages to go and see her in concert.

Sure enough, Madonna has just released details of her new world tour. However, Madonna hasn’t publicly stated whether it’ll be one of those nice world tours where she sings all the old songs that people want her to sing or one of those rubbish tours where she only sings her rubbish new songs and everyone leaves feeling gypped yet, so don’t get your hopes up.

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The top and the bottom.

Folded:

• The sun (hello old friend)

• Firing two off The Apprentice (and righty so, though if Alan could hurry up and sack that fat dump truck bird who bitches about everybody that would be fine too)

• Pjanoo by Pryda (dance like it’s 1992)

• Mila Kunis (fugly as Meg in Family Guy, lightening bolt stunning as Rachel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

• Iron Man (what were we expecting? Something better? Perhaps, but it still pushes most of the right buttons until Indy)

Creased:

• Cadbury’s ‘Trucks’ ad (they look like toys, but they’re actually real vehicles – quick, give us some chocolate now!!!)

• Face cake (apparently popular in America. Here we just call it cake)

• Estelle dancing (watch the video with Kanye West, because she really can’t)

• Raiders of the Lost Ark on BBC1 last week in pan & scan (not even some tiny black bars? It’s not like we don’t all own big TVs now anyway)

• “Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does” (eight months on and it still isn’t funny)

Tom Cruise is back in the A-list, baby - if ‘A-list’ means going on a daytime TV show twice and having lunch with the oldest man alive, of course.

And what better way could there possibly be for Tom Cruise to celebrate his resurgent career than by having sex with his wife until a little person who looks like him crawls out of her genitals?

That’s right - if reports are to be believed, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are trying for another baby, with those close to the couple making it clear that Katie Holmes has ‘got the itch.’ But as soon as this resilient bout of vaginal thrush clears up, Tom and Katie will definitely try and have another baby.

Hecklerspray: king of the clumsy vaginal thrush joke since 2005.

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Larry King has been interviewing people with bad posture since he was two.

That is to say his posture is poor – that of his guests is nothing less than perfect. They all sit there straight-backed with pinkies extended while flipping through etiquette books and properly addressing each piece of silverware. King’s got a cooking show, right? No?

But as we said – King’s been at this interviewing business for some time now – on his current show since 1985 if our sources are correct. But he can’t keep at it forever you know. If he’s ever going to dedicate himself to making more Jewish/Mormon hybrids he’s gotta act fast. He’s getting older – soon his ovarian tubes will shrivel, drying his man-milk reservoir to an endless low. Before long, for baby making he’ll have to rely solely on fluids drawn from Lake Michigan, which has a one-part spoo three-parts water ratio.

And when he retires, who do you think will have the hunched-at-a-desk prowess, the swivel-chair stamina and the never-ending suspender collection to replace him?

Why, Ryan Seacrest, apparently.

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Remember Spacehog? Of course you don’t - they were rubbish and we only know their name because we just looked it up.

However, apart from their genuinely awful name, Spacehog looked to go down in history for one thing - the fact that frontman Royston Langdon was the jammiest generic northern indie singer in the world because he’d somehow convinced Liv Tyler to marry him.

But, men of the world, you no longer have to be rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, because Liv Tyler’s just decided to divorce him. That is unless you enjoyed being rampantly jealous of Royston Langdon, of course, in which case you have plenty of other things to envy him for, like… um… look, we’re going to have to get back to you on this.

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“I had a stroke you know, and it’s affected me deeply,” says Edwyn Collins to the hushed Shepherd’s Bush Empire crowd. “I’m working every day on it though,” he promises, “and I’m recovering my progress. Gradually, I’m up and up.”

This last sentence is delivered with a broad smile as Collins sits on a small amp in centre stage. His report on the illness he has suffered is brief, partly because of the effects it has had on his speech, but also because he is intent on giving his audience as much of the music they came for as possible.

In reality, the short story is incredibly modest, because the stroke that Collins refers to actually left him unable to walk or talk, let alone play the guitar.

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Female singers, they’re all the range at the minute aren’t they?

Over the last year and a bit, the UK has spat out quite a few of these creatures that have gone on to sell many records. And subsequently make some fat man in a suit rich enough so he can wipe his arse with £20 notes.

Most of them, though, have come from the bloody Brit School of music. This place is worse than Borstal in terms of unleashing dangerous musical predators on to the street. Frankly, we are a bit sick of one place churning out the same thing. It stops other females such as the already trawled Beth Rowley and Laura Marley a look in.

Such dominance from the same band of artists also stops top class foreign females from getting an airplay. So this is why we have to bring Lykke Li to your attention.

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Face it, this is a game called Spandex Force. You’re going to play it regardless of what it involves just because it’s called Spandex Force. Even if it’s a hokey puzzle game with a few ill-fitting RPG minigames thrown in, you’re still going to play Spandex Force.

And that’s a good thing, because that’s exactly what Spandex Force is - you choose a superhero and a superpower, then battle through all kinds of puzzle-style minigames as you go. Fighting villains, rescuing citizens, matching up three identical tiles in a big board full of tiles - these are just some of the quests that Spandex Force will take you on. Hardly Iron Man, but diverting enough.

Order Spandex Force Now

Download Spandex Force

From Dietpixie - Robbie Williams - remember him? Yep, that bloke who once used to be in Take That, who left and became really successful, but then faded away again and now we never hear from him?

Well, the very same Robbie has been papped at his LA home, lounging by the pool with his lady - and by the looks of it he hasn’t half piled on the pounds.

He’s never been stick thin, and fair play to him for that. But he’s always been known as the ‘chubby one’, especially since Noel Gallagher labelled him ‘a fat dancer’ all those years ago.

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