Posts from April, 2008

Just us sharing a few things we like and a few things we don’t.

Folded:

• Bender’s back in Bender’s Big Score (he’s funny, that Bender, with all his sexism and alcohol jokes. He’s a robot from Futurama)

• Grand Theft Auto IV next week (if you have anything more powerful than a Megadrive you’ll be buying this. Or you will never have anything to add to a conversation ever again)

• In Bruges (hadn’t heard the phrase ‘gay beer’ for ages. We’ll be using it all the time again now)

• Doc Hollywood (saw this on TV again a couple of weeks ago. It’s obviously shit, but the great Michael J.Fox is still a mini-marvel)

• Cities of Gold DVD boxset (finally a cartoon as good as you remember. Ready at the back “…Maybe we will find, Cities of Gold”.

Creased:

• Jamie Oliver’s Sainsbury’s ads – the BBQ one in particular (we know they’re all going to be actors anyway, but at least make an effort to get people we won’t recognise from The Bill or Doctor Who)

• The screechy twins on Dirty Sexy Money (no, the creepy twins. We meant creepy)

• Muppet t-shirts at Topman (so, you go into a bar and there’s another guy in there with a ‘Vote Ernie’ one on. You’re lovers)

• That bit in the oil refinery in Rainbow Six Vegas 2 (when did terrorists become so sneaky and good at hiding behind transit vans? It used to be so much easier to kill people)

• Whoever cancelled Arrested Development (never mind the upcoming movie, we want another series. You know who you are, you prat. Hope you’ve got severe breathing difficulties or scabies or something)

Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey’s couch in 2005 - and by ‘iconic’ we obviously mean ‘nightmarishly creepy’.

But, really, Tom Cruise’s appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like ‘What’s going on?’, ‘Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?’, ‘Why am I watching Oprah?’, ‘What happened to my self-respect?’ and ‘I’m so alone. Why am I so very alone?’

Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It’s literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.

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It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.

Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring us to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.

He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true - Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.

Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.

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Well thanks a lot Woody Harrelson - Wesley Snipes asks you to do one bloody thing to keep him out of jail and you balls it all up.

No really, thanks. All Wesley Snipes wanted to you to do was write a heartfelt character reference to stop a judge from sending him to jail for three years on a tax evasion charge, and you ended up jabbering on about how close together your birthdays are. You really are a great big dipshit.

In fact, it’s probably all your fault that Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday. But you’ve only hurt yourself, you know - now that Wesley Snipes is in jail, you can kiss goodbye to any notion you had about making Money Train 2: Money Train In Space before 2011.

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We bet you a piece of chewing gum, 17p from our wallets and a can of Fanta that you can’t name the people in this band.

Feeling confident? You probably would with the name Tim and Sam mentioned multiple times in the band name. However, our insides are soon to be turned orange as you give us cans of fizzy orange sugar water. You see, there are five people in the band. Tim, Adam, Becca, Kathryn and Richard.

But besides petty betting over worthless things, we’re here to remind you of the amazing music we’ve bumped into on our internet journey. Hailing from Manchester, a city dripping in musical history, we found Tim And Sam’s Band [TASB for short]. Their melting pot of vast musical instrumentation makes for a listen that sounds like nothing out there at the moment.

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Sometimes it seems like everyone is a high flyer.

Just take a look around you. Everyone has their own PA or dog-walker or dead-prostitute-hider. Why, hecklerspray confidently expects that you’re not even reading this yourself - you’re simply having it droned out loud by some migrant worker while you lie in bed, encased in satin sheets and whispering sweet nothings to Jessica Alba and the Irish girl who used to be in that contact lens advert.

Don’t you ever want to taste the life of a simple man? Course you do. And here’s your chance - with the revolutionary McDonalds Employee Simulator. Much like a real job at McDonalds, it’s essentially aimless and unrewarding, but creator Garnet Hertz isn’t trying to soften the harsh reality of things, you know.

Actually, this was made in 1997. For all we know, Garnet Hertz could be dead by now.

Sorry.

McDonalds Employee Simulator

Some drug addicts only get clean by transferring their addiction to other pursuits - you know, like religion or drunkenly headbutting men or knitting.

It’s a tactic that Amy Winehouse seems keen to follow - she’s decided to become a knitting nun.

No, just kidding. In fact, Amy Winehouse has been accused of drunkenly headbutting a man and then punching someone else in the face, and police are now investigating whether to arrest her or not. If arrested and found guilty, Amy could be looking at six months in jail. But if she’s in jail, then who’s going to stagger around awards shows all shitfaced screaming “Blaaaaaaake!” over and over? Leona Lewis? Pffff - hardly.

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Eurovision betting odds time. Again.

And what a big day for Eurovision it is - tonight sees the London’s big Eurovision party at the Scala featuring nine of this year’s contenders and, um, Buzzs Fizz. Will we be going to the Eurovision party? Not a chance - just thinking about Eurovision makes blood come out of our eyes these days.

And here’s why - the Eurovision betting odds for Latvia, with help from Paddy Power…

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Ashlee Simpson is either pregnant or not pregnant, and if you’ve spent more than one second thinking about it you probably deserve to be drowned.

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

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There’s a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today - but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so.

In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends - Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson - to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom.

It might just work - the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge’s sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as ‘a mighty oak’. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written ‘I like kitons’ underneath it. Might help.

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