Posts from April, 2008

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their overwhelming sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so.

Then, as they realise they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got ’swollener’ in the sky.

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It is the sort of news that would have lesser entertainment sites typing, over and over again, in an indecent boldness of font, the letters: OMG.

That most blasphemous initialising of ‘Oh My God’, which the youths of today treat so brazenly, as if the name of our Lord were merely a soiled menstrual nappy to be tossed away willy-nilly, it’s sacrilegious smudge left to spread amongst the scum-ridden culture-wasteland of working class society.

The word God must never be abbreviated. It is an act of devolution so disgusting that it shant be matched until the day The Kooks are considered anything other than the most grotesque of namby-pambies.

But, if hecklerspray were as pathetic as those sites, then right now we would be licking our own ejaculate into a mural of OMGs, high on to the ceiling above us, because Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are going to be acting together in the same movie.

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Why do we love robots so much?

Well, we all love machines, right? Especially the ones which make our lives easier. Let’s face it, most of us can’t be separated from our iPods, laptops and iPhones these days. But how about when they turn against us? The time when our TV and cinema screens were full of clunky dustbins and oversized toasters just happy to help has long gone.

Now robots look more like supermodels and want to wipe us out. In fact, some of them are more hard-on than hard disc. Well, that’s progress for you. But we still love them, right? Despite the fact they want to kill us.

Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to come up with the 20 models from TV and cinema that are a cut above. Enjoy!

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Amy Winehouse is officially the week’s most talked about celebrity. A fairly remarkable feat when you take into consideration that she hasn’t died, escaped death, or so much as flashed a tit to a camera.

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week, there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’, which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s allegedly on crack.

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Come gather round children, for that most marvellous of phenomena has occurred once more. Britney Spears has got semi-naked in public. Hallelujah!

As we all know, there are only two things that perpetuate the spinning of the earth on its axis these days - celebrities and naked girls.

They are everywhere, constantly vying for our attention. It’s a daily clash of the titans; one day naked girls will get a unanimous victory, only for celebrities to get their sweet revenge soon after, leaving a bloody pool of tits, ass and ego all over the streets in their wake.

The only time peace can be found is when the two of them merge their awesome powers together, creating that all powerful attention-grabbing freak of nature that is: the naked-girl-celebrity.

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It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

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Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

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Welcome to Movies From Beyond and this week we are very excited. Not only has Mario Kart finally come out on the Nintendo Wii but one of the best recent vampire movies, 30 Days Of Night has just been released on Blu-Ray.

It is not often that we talk about new releases but this is well worth a mention, starring Josh Hartnett (Sin City) and produced by Mr. Evil Dead Sam Raimi, this is a really good adaptation of a graphic novel set in Alaska where they actually have a month of darkness - and who loves darkness more than vampires? No-one, that’s who, and these ones aren’t fruity crushed-velvet cloak-wearing ones. Remember what 28 Days Later did for zombies? Well this does it for vamps, making them super fast and strong as you like.

There are some pretty gut-wrenching scenes of violence and blood-play as well as a high level of blood and guts which always gets our vote.

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It’s official - Guillermo del Toro, the Bo Selecta Peter Jackson, is the director of the two upcoming Hobbit movies.

It’s been a long time coming, but finally New Line Cinema and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios have announced that they’re packing Guillermo del Toro off to New Zealand for the next four years so he can concentrate on making The Hobbit and its sequel, The Hobbit 2: The Hobbit In Space.

It doesn’t take a genius to see why Guillermo del Toro was chosen to direct the Hobbit movies - his flair for visual invention as demonstrated in Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy will really bring a sense of panache to his task of filming a bunch of midgets walking across the side of a mountain for six and a half titting hours.

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As the poor man’s Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra is constantly chasing Pammy’s tail and doing her best to keep up.

First Pamela Anderson was in Baywatch, then Carmen Electra was. First Pamela Anderson was in Playboy, then Carmen Electra was. First Pamela Anderson made rubbish films that nobody likes, then Carmen Electra did. In fact, take away the internet sex tape and the Hepatitis and you’re basically looking at the same person.

However, Pamela Anderson recently ended her third marriage. Hey, Carmen - her third! You’ve only been married twice. Quick! Get engaged to someone! Anyone! We don’t care who! What? You’ve found a man who looks like a weather-beaten uninflated vinyl panda doll that’s been dressed up as one of My Chemical Romance? Yeah, we’ll suppose he’ll do.

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