Posts from April, 2008

Everyone loves Hilary Duff - they love that TV show she was in, whatever it was called, and all those songs of hers that nobody can remember.

Yup, that Hilary Duff’s a hot piece of property at the moment, or at least she would be if we could work out what the point of her was. You know what Hilary Duff would be great in? A creatively-bankrupt revisiting of a TV series that everyone stopped liking about 18 months into its 10-year run almost 20 years ago.

What’s that? There’s a part going spare in the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off? Well that’s certainly very fortunate for both Hilary Duff and Beverly Hills 90210. Not so much for us, though - we think Beverly Hills 90210 is going to be shit and that Hilary Duff’s a wanker.

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All anyone wants for Jennifer Aniston is happiness - a quiet, private happiness that makes her so happy she stops making films.

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

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This week’s rematch between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey looks set to be the most exciting self-serving marketing stunt of the year!

However, we didn’t know what Tom Cruise and Oprah were going to discuss during Tom’s interview - until now. Because now it seems like it’s mostly about Tom Cruise’s arse.

Part of Oprah’s interview - conducted at Tom Cruise’s Colorado home - involved Oprah riding on Tom’s snowmobile, an experience that left Oprah blithering on about Tom Cruise’s butt and adding that she now knows what Katie Holmes sees in him. Financial gain despite an outwardly unconvincing relationship? Yep, actually that sounds about right.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

In WW II German submarines were sinking lots of allied ships - boat loads, if you will. It was because the warships were slow and clunky. The U-boats slipped in underwater, fired some torpedoes - sinking almost whatever they wanted. The US government needed a way to avoid all this. A common man might think a better rudder, or boat-side rocket boosters might work.

The US, however, would prefer to try bending light to cause invisibility. According to some - they succeeded.

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Hey, did you hear the news? Iron Man’s coming out next week! Truly, Iron Man will flatten the weekend box office when it’s released.

Really, we mean it. Iron Man looks incredible - Robert Downey Jr, John Favreau, exciting special effects, Gwyneth Paltrow not being all annoying and crap. Yes, Iron Man certainly looks like an exciting weekend box office proposition and no mistake. Hooray for Iron Man!

Oh, and Baby Mama is this week’s US weekend box office number one. It’s about pregnancy or something. Snore.

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Paedophile wish-fulfillment tweenbot Miley Cyrus is at it again - and this time her 15-year-old breasts are coming along for the ride too.

As if the recent internet photos of Miley Cyrus whipping her bra out around rolling on a boy’s lap in her underwear weren’t enough, now the web is abuzz with a brand new picture - a picture that shows Miley Cyrus completely topless, or at least as topless as you can be when you’re covered in a blanket. And what’s more, this topless Miley Cyrus photo was taken for well-known spank rag Vanity Fair by that filthy pornographer Annie Leibovitz.

OK, so what actually happened was that one of the world’s most famous photographers took a picture of Miley Cyrus that isn’t really very naked in the slightest. But, hey, that hasn’t stopped Miley Cyrus from apologising for it, the stupid teenage twit.

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There are many things that can stir up a sense of dread at the opening stages of a gig.

Poorly-judged chemical consumption, signs reading ‘Carling only’, or The Others as a support act are a few, but a wanker in a trilby and sunglasses (indoors) is just as effective.

For this reason, the start of Wednesday’s Cut Copy gig was an apprehensive one, but this man’s presence can be easily explained.

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In our normal humdrum lives we abhor thieves and bank robbers, but a quick glance at the list of films below tells quite a different story.

Indeed, some of the movies mentioned would not be out of place on most people’s all-time top 10 films, never mind heist films. So what is it that makes us so fascinated by them? Is it that we wish we had the balls to do it ourselves? Most of the criminals involved get some kind of comeuppance and usually we’re desperate to get out of banks rather than the other way around. So it is because they look cool while doing it?

But they are not all cool. Look at Al Pacino’s hapless bank robber in Dog Day Afternoon. So what is it? Well, we don’t know. What do you mean you want answers? We’re an entertainment site for God’s sake, not Sigmund Freud! Actually, it’s probably the guns. That and the fact there are so many of them they were bound to get a few right.

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Games about bursting things are a sensation. Bloons, Bubble Bobble, My First Disgusting Golfball-Sized Cyst On My Eyelid, and now Bubble Burster 2008.

If you’ve played any online game over the course of your life, you’ll know that the aim of Bubble Burster 2008 is to burst bubbles by lining up three bubbles of the same colour. And, like all other online games, Bubble Burster 2008 starts easy and gets harder and harder until it’s almost impossible. But because it’s so similar to everything ever created, you’ll be engrossed in Bubble Burster 2008 right from the get-go.

Play Bubble Burster 2008 now

If you know Tindersticks, you’ll be more than familiar with the world they inhabit.

It’s a sonic landscape of occasional desolation, soothing melancholy and introspective melody, all hazed out through a 3am red-wine-and-cigarettes blurry filter. In short: if you’re looking for an album to soundtrack the million-plus hours of GTA IV rampages you’re going to be enjoying from Tuesday, you need to search elsewhere.

If, however, you’re looking for a haunting, swelling, oddly fitting mixture of the stripped-back and the orchestral, then The Hungry Saw - Tindersticks’ first album since 2003’s Waiting For The Moon, and the seventh in their catalogue so far - may just float your boat nicely.

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Hey, are you sick of being forced to think of Amy Winehouse’s grisly genitals in action yet? Yeah, us too.

But come on. Take a deep breath, hunker down for the next couple of minutes and we’ll all get through this together. It might take some strength of mind and a couple of months of group counselling afterwards, but we’ll be OK. Ready?

Good. Amy Winehouse has apparently been - urg - having sex. With someone who isn’t her husband or that new bloke she’s been dragging around lately. Amy Winehouse has apparently been having sex with - gleurgh - a long-haired American photographer. And it’s all the fault of - huuurrrgh - Kelly Osbourne. If you need us we’ll be puking and crying at the same time in the corner.

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If anyone out there saw Mariah Carey’s last big movie Glitter in 2001, then you have probably not digested a good meal since.

It’s not so much that it generated bile, it’s that it kept generating bile every time someone so much as uttered Mariah’s name or she appeared on telly with her giant ass folded into a swimsuit. And now she’s making another one.

Glitter was apparently based, at least in part, on Mariah Carey’s own life story. Like the heroine in the film, she too rose to fame as a singer from a troubled background; unlike her character in the film however, 3D Mariah is still releasing records. They are mainly duds about touching her up or not going bonkers anymore, but are religiously played by radio stations everywhere that have an ‘X’ in the title.

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