Posts from April, 2008

Chances are that the sole reason you haven’t had sex with Scarlett Johansson yet is because she looks like she’s got hepatitis.

Well fear not. Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have hepatitis. At all. And, for some reason we haven’t worked out yet, she really, really wants you to know that. In what might go down in history as the weirdest sudden statement made by a celebrity ever, Scarlett Johansson recently decided to blurt out:

“People think I’m going to be some brazen harlot, but I’m not out there with every Tom, Dick and Harry or catching hepatitis.”

And you know what? Good for Scarlett Johansson. She’s making a stand for all women who don’t feel like they have to be enslaved by the patriarchal ideal of an obedient woman, and she’s absolutely free to discuss her sex life however she sees fit. Bravo, Scarlett.

Although we can’t help noticing that Scarlett Johannson completely failed to mention whether or not she’s out there catching syphilis, herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia or genital warts. The dirty cow.

Scarlett went into all kinds of other weirdness in her interview, but you can click the link below to read more of it on Dietpixie.

Read more:

Scarlett Johansson insists: ‘I don’t have sexually transmitted diseases’ - Dietpixie

We’ve got nothing but sympathy for Ashley Dupre - after all, who hasn’t performed sexual acts on a high-ranking politician for cash these days?

And if a scandal about you being a massive whore with a slightly gross-looking New York governor isn’t bad enough, the inevitable follow-up story about the way you took your clothes off for a teen-exploiting series of softcore videos is just utterly degrading.

That’s why we’re fully behind Ashley Alexandra’s decision to sue Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for $10 million because he quickly released a 2003 video of her flashing her breasts in the wake of the scandal as a money-making enterprise. She’s completely correct - if she didn’t chase Joe Francis for cash, then what kind of filthy prostitute would Ashley Dupre be? A shit one, that’s what.

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Mentally-wayward popstars appearing on desperately mediocre American sitcoms is a bit like buses, isn’t it.

You go years without seeing, say, Syd Barrett cameo on Home Improvement, and then suddenly Britney Spears decides to appear on How I Met Your Mother twice in quick succession, thus making her identical to a bus in that one unconvincing respect.

Yes, we know that we’ve hardly stopped yammering on about Britney Spears returning to How I Met Your Mother, but this time it’s official - a contract has been written and Britney Spears has either signed it or wiped a dirty finger along the bottom of it because she’s still not allowed near anything as sharp as a pen yet. Whichever one is true, the deal’s been done.

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Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.

We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.

Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.

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There’s an angry mob forming over those ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair - but the question is, whose house shall we burn down first?

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her - so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word - instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

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We’ve just been handed details on how you can get your hands on two free music downloads, but you’ll have to move fast.

Fashion and beauty website OSOYOU, responsible for all the cleavage competitions we’ve been telling you about lately, is giving away two free music downloads from 7digital.com to the next 500 people who join the site. Needless to say, unless you’re a bloke who really loves fashion and beauty, this one’s probably best left to the girls.

And, once you’ve joined OSOYOU for free, you’ll be exposed to an array of fashion and beauty tips and trends so dazzling that you’ll never want to leave. So hurry up.

Sign up for your free downloads now

Polar bears are arseholes. Yes, they look adorable and they advertise mints and they’re a heartbreaking symbol of global warming, but they’re also arseholes. Because they will kill you.

The most carnivorous of all bears, the polar bear’s diet usually consists of seal and walrus, which the bear stalks and then kills by smashing its skull with its paws. But occasionally polar bears go after humans too, and although some survive the attacks, like the Yukon man who was lucky to escape with his life (images of his injuries are here, but they’re gross), many end up mauled to death. Stupid polar bears.

We’re just going to come out and be honest here - we love Doeo so much it’s disgusting. Everything about Doeo, from the idea to the execution, is so perfect that we’re toying with the idea of actually marrying it. No joke.

Doeo is blindingly simple - faces pop up on the screen and you have to wave your mouse over as many of them as you can in a set amount of time. But the inventiveness of how these faces appear, coupled with Doeo’s blinding Katamari-esque off-kilter setting and glorious soundtrack, means that we can’t stop going back and playing on it again and again. And now it’s your turn. If you don’t love Doeo, there might just be something wrong with you.

Play Doeo now

It went on sale at 12.01 AM in most supermarkets, some games retailers and no doubt a few geezers doing the mark-up thing on street corners. Did you get your copy of Grand Theft Auto IV today?

If you didn’t and you didn’t pre-order then, well, tough. Finding a copy now will be like finding a pair of jeans that actually fit properly: not impossible, just flipping difficult.

41 UK shops were understood to have opened their doors at midnight to welcome the obsessed and the wired as they queued up in the cold, gingerly working their way towards the counter only to be told that the guy in front has just bought the last copy. Still if he/she was small enough you could always have mugged them and run off into the night. Someone will have done, you mark our words.

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If you’re honest, Sesame Street was probably your primary educator as a child, which is why you said ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’ until you were 15, you giant halfwit.

But these days it looks as if Sesame Street’s standards have slipped a little. Previous Sesame Street guests have included Maya Angelou, Buzz Aldrin, Lou Rawls, BB King and one of Cheech And Chong. But who’s the latest celebrity name to hit Sesame Street? Noted intellectual David Beckham, that’s who.

However, as weird as it may seem for David Beckham to appear on Sesame Street, we’re sure that mixing Beckham together with toddlers and gonkish puppets will only yield positive results. Who knows, David Beckham might even learn how to count up to six if he concentrates hard enough.

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Last year the music industry cacked itself senseless as Radiohead decided to break the monotonous music industry procedures.

Others have since copied Radiohead and given their music away for free. And today another major band is set to do the same. Coldplay may not be everyone’s band of choice, but anything free is usually welcomed by all.

At 12.15pm GMT, you can download new single Violet Hill for nothing! Though we recommend visiting at 1pm as the website will probably crash due to heavy web traffic passing through early on. And because you don’t like Coldplay enough to download it immediately. Nobody does.

Not quite as spectacular as Radiohead, but still shows that big bands are shunning the traditional system of distributing music. However, if you do want to own a physical copy of the new Coldplay single, you can sell your soul to the NME. It plans to give away a 7” copy of the single along with a non-album track.

To download the single, visit www.coldplay.com

More Eurovision betting odds for you. More! Forever! Or until May, which certainly feels like forever away.

We have some tragic news for you today. Thanks to Eurovision regulations, the Bosnian Eurovision entry Laka - who you should vote for, by the way - isn’t allowed to bring his chicken onstage with him during his performance. It’s sad, but not that sad - he’s bringing a picture of the chicken onstage instead. Hooray for flimsy loopholes!

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Malta, with help from Paddy Power…

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