Posts from April, 2008

They say nothing is certain but death and taxes, but that’s only because ‘nothing is certain except death, taxes and Paula Abdul acting all crazy boogaloo’ is too long.

You guessed it - notorious slurring headcase Paula Abdul has had another episode. What crazy shenanigans has Paula Abdul got up to this time? Why, judging an American Idol contestant on a song that he hadn’t even sung, of course.

This confusing American Idol cock-up has left people asking the very important question ‘is Paula Abdul OK?’ To which the answer is obviously ‘no, she’s clearly not OK, she’s Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul does this sort of stuff all the bloody time. What are you, new here or something?’

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Hey girls, did you know you’ll never be as beautiful as Kate Hudson? You didn’t? Well you’re not, so why don’t you just hurl yourself under a lorry or something.

We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.

Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson - Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.

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Coachella was all about one thing this year - a dreary old man forcing a crowd to stand up for three hours while he played songs that your Dad likes.

But Roger Waters‘ Coachella set was livened up by one tiny thing - the moment when his giant inflatable pig broke free and blew off. Blew off into the desert. Get your minds out of the gutter. Cuh!

And the escape of Roger Waters’ big pig has been the talk of the town ever since, with extensive discussions in the press and monetary rewards being offered to whoever recovered it first. Anything, in fact, to take people’s minds off the fact that they’d just basically exchanged $270 for a week of agonising lower back pain and an eighth of a day spent listening to an old posho bleat on about Southampton.

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You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either - Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

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Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really - just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

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These dead people, honestly, they’re disgusting - and not just because they smell and are dead all the time, either.

It’s because dead people just can’t stop making sex tapes at the moment. Just a few weeks after word of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape got out, it’s now been claimed that the equally dead Jimi Hendrix also made a sex tape with a couple of women. And best of all, the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is actually for sale!

True, most who have actually seen the Jimi Hendrix sex tape seem fairly certain that it’s a fake and that it’s mildly insulting for Jimi Hendrix to be attributed to some pornography just because it stars a black man with an afro and facial hair, but put yourselves in the distributor’s place - a famous face always makes more money, so it was always either going to be the Jimi Hendrix sex tape or the That Bloke Out Of TV On The Radio Sex Tape, and who’d buy that?

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We like free things, and this week has been brilliant for poor people like us getting things for nought.

CSS are the ace Brazilian band who emerged a few years ago with a feisty record full of no-holds barred indie electro complete with equally feisty lyrics. Proving that girls can actually rock out, their live gigs are full of energy, confusion and the occasional flash of nudity.

CSS have served up a new single called Rat Is Dead (Rage) as a taster for their second album Donkey. We don’t know if it’s a tribute to Shrek’s bumbling sidekick, but we won’t let that put us off. Interestingly enough, this download sees a distinct lack of electronics and a heavier use of guitars. It’s still bloody class, and if you don’t like it, just go and listen to the dire Coldplay offering that they made available today. Honestly, funeral music was a non-existent genre until they made Violet Hill available.

Visit www.csshurts.com now for a tasty music treat.

As the popularity of the game Theme Park proved, everyone thinks they can build world-beating rollercoasters or, failing that, rollercoasters that make people spew up all over their shoes. And Rollercoaster Creator is a game that maximises on that desire.

Rollercoaster Creator is quite simple - you draw a rollercoaster outline and then watch the little carts go round your design. But you can’t go too crazy - you have to make sure that your rollercoaster hits a set amount of checkpoints, and you have to make sure that it obeys the basic laws of physics, otherwise there’s a giant horrific crash and you get sued and everyone hates you and you end up taking your own life because you’re such a monster. That last bit doesn’t happen, by the way. Well, it doesn’t happen anywhere outside of our heads, at least.

Play Rollercoaster Creator now

Footballers often come in for a lot of criticism because they earn obscene amounts of money and are all dumber than dust.

But not all footballers fit this stereotype. Look at Brazilian football ace Ronaldo, for example - sure, he’s neck-deep in cash from playing for AC Milan, but you can’t call him stupid. Why, earlier this week Ronaldo displayed his dazzling intellect by picking up three prostitutes as soon as his girlfriend had turned his back. Three prostitutes that turned out to be men. But just because Ronaldo can’t tell the difference between men and women, it doesn’t mean that he’s stupid.

Oh, who are we kidding, yes it does. It means Ronaldo is probably the most dribblingly stupid cack-brained single-digit-IQed crosseyed dunderhead ever to pull a radio to pieces to see where the little talking men are hiding. Probably.

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Ready for another generic Eurovision betting odds opening sentence? Well, you’ve got your wish. Happy now?

Have you entered the Eurovision: Be A Winner karaoke contest yet? Us neither. Do you plan to enter the Eurovision: Be A Winner karaoke contest? Us neither. Can you think of anything more likely to send you into violent involuntary convulsions than a Eurovision karaoke contest? Us neither. But, hey, the deadline for Eurovision: Be A Winner entries is Friday. Just thought we’d let you know.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Moldova, with help from Paddy Power…

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Jack Jordan, you’ve let us down. All that time you were stalking Uma Thurman in a number of imaginatively creepy ways, we thought you were being illegal.

And now your lawyer is saying that you weren’t being illegal in an effort to keep you out of jail? That is very disappointing, Jack Jordan. Very disappointing indeed.

But on the plus side, if Jack Jordan is acquitted of his Uma Thurman stalking charges, it basically means that we’re all legally free to send the object of our obsession terrifying hand-drawn pictures of ourselves walking along a razorblade while they eeirly dig our graves. Good lord, Martine McCutcheon had better hope that Jack Jordan is found guilty.

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Sacked Velvet Revolver singer and My First Nazi Gollum dollset life model Scott Weiland is going to jail.

In what’ll cap off a particularly rubbish opening third of 2008 for him, Scott Weiland has been sentenced to eight days in jail for crashing his car drunk in Los Angeles last November - a charge that he can add to another DUI from 2003, some drug offences from the 1990s and a domestic violence charge from 2001.

Still, eight days in jail isn’t that bad - it’s lucky that the judge didn’t take Scott Weiland’s music into consideration when reaching the sentence, otherwise he’d have been given life. In solitary confinement. On a dung heap. Up a farty dragon’s bottom. On the moon.

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