Posts from March, 2008

Hecklerspray has never been a fan of live gigs. They're always full of those things we hate. You know what we mean, right? They're all over the place wherever you look. What are they called again? Oh - that's it. People.

We're sometimes a bit more tolerant, however. If we're out to see a band or performer we have genuine admiration and respect for, then we're nothing but a bundle of joy and happiness all night long. Bearing that rule in mind, it's probably a good thing that we were nowhere near The Hospital bar in Covent Garden on Tuesday night, as an event took place that would have seen us embark on a rage-filled, blood-splattered frenzy of which that man with the big gun from Predator would have been proud.

Peaches Geldof played a gig.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here it comes - another daily instalment of Eurovision betting odds. Exciting, huh? Oh, you big kidder, it is.

Eurovision fever is already sweeping the continent, you’ll be pleased to know. The Norwegian entry is number two in the Norwegian national charts, the Belgian entry is seventh there and this week’s entire top 15 in Sweden are all entries in the Eurovision qualifying round. Let’s pray that never happens here - anything that heps to give John Barrowman credibility as a judge is all wrong in our books.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Armenia, with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

Americans, if you happen to stumble across an incoherent hairy Greek man asleep at the wheel of his car this summer, don't be alarmed.

Although his unshaven appearance and man boogly eyes might make you think he's homeless or a terrorist, chances are it'll just be George Michael.

George Michael has announced his first tour of America for 17 years. It'll be an undoubtedly emotional tour for him - not only will it be a chance for George Michael to claw back some of the fame he lost there in the last decade and a half but he might even get a free weekend to wank at another policeman in a toilet again, just for old time's sake.

Read the rest of this entry »

It is a widely known fact that hecklerspray has a great thirst for scientific research. 

That’s why it peaked our interest to learn that a recent scientific study showed that when people hear the words ‘Demi Moore’ and ‘leech’, 97.624% (p < 0.05) automatically think ‘Ashton Kutcher’.  

Although such results are can hardly be classified as breakthrough findings, it explains why the vast majority of the world recoiled in disgust at hearing Demi Moore proclaim that she gets her blood sucked by leeches.  

Be at ease, folks. Demi Moore is referring literally to leeches, not an intimate relationship with her husband. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Bob Marley movies are a lot like buses - you wait hours for one then two come at once, plus if you go on one late at night a creepy drunk man will sit next to you and try to stroke your knee.

We've forgotten what our point was now - something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now - there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it - winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She's only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease.   

When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she's one of us, and that she may have been so all along.   

Now that she's the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.   

Apparently.   

Read the rest of this entry »

As we all know, on How I Met Your Mother on Monday night, Britney Spears managed to get through about 10 lines without crying or showing anyone her vagina.

So it goes without saying that Britney Spears will probably get nominated for an Emmy for it. Seriously.

Since the Britney Spears episode got How I Met Your Mother its highest-ever ratings, there's now a bundle of genuine speculation that Britney Spears will snag an Emmy nomination for it. Which we're fine with, so long as the Emmys open a new category entitled Best Transparent Stunt Casting Of A Mentally Ill Celebrity To Revive A Mostly Rubbish Sitcom. And even then it'll be a toss-up between Britney and Franz Kafka's rib-tickling turn on According To Jim.

Read the rest of this entry »

Although it's been hijacked by health nuts in recent years, Yoga is actually an ancient Indian spiritual practise whereby creepy old men sit at the back of a room and watch women fart.

Everyone farts when they do yoga. It's the law. If you bend around in enough positions for long enough, you're bound to squeeze the air out of your body somehow - and, really, what is the bumhole if not a dirty gas valve? But while most people fart when they do yoga, not everyone farts when they do yoga on TV.

Not like this young lady. The video is a masterclass of suspense - you know the fart's coming, but when? When her knees are tucked into her chest? When she rocks her body back into the sitting position? The tension, we're quite sure, will kill you. Also, full marks for the fart reaction - if only Regis had gone for the synchronised double fall he wouldn't have looked so pitiful when he trumped on TV. 

That's not funny. We had a great aunt die of Spheroids once and now someone's made a game mocking her ailment? Disgusting.

Actually that's not the case at all - in fact, Spheroids has nothing to do with exploding anal-based diseases. Spheroids is a game that'll leave you more disorientated and perplexed than an hour on a mobile phone customer support line. In Spheroids you control a see-saw that has to tip balls into the right-coloured bucket. As you'd expect, the Spheroids balls come down faster and faster until you end up crying. Which will happen.

Play Spheroids now

We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling - and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Read the rest of this entry »