Posts from March, 2008

What would America's Next Top Model be like if a gang of dim-looking skinny idiots didn't screech "Tyra mail!" every 3.2 seconds?

We might soon find out, because word from America's Top Model is that Tyra Banks is getting on so badly with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel that she's threatening to quit the show. But is there anyone else who can say "you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model," with Tyra Banks' utter lack of feeling or expression?

Obviously when we said "we might soon find out," we didn't mean us specifically. We wouldn't be caught dead watching America's Next Top Model. Ahem. 

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The nation is mourning today as its greatest disc-jockey, Chris Evans, 41, has admitted to taking magic mushrooms, and has therefore broken a Great British law.

A law that clearly states that you must not eat magic mushrooms, citizen. And Chris, our Chris - your Chris, my Chris, everyones a Chris, Chris - has not only defied that law, but he has also broadcast the fact to the general public. He has said:

"It was a Meat Loaf concert, two days before which I’d had rather more magic mushrooms than maybe I should have."

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If you heard a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising a delicious bottle of refreshing Pepsi, what would you do?

Chances are you'd either a) go and buy a thirst-quenching bottle of deliciously refreshing Pepsi right away or b) kick the television over, stamp on it and then slash your belly because you drank some Pepsi once six years ago and you don't want to be seen to be endorsing the Smashing Pumpkins in even the slightest way.

But not if you're Billy Corgan, lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins. If you're Billy Corgan and you hear a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising Pepsi, you sue your old record label and then get all stroppy and self-important and bitch about everything for the millionth time of your life.

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We love sports. Sports are awesome.

We love watching that Kobe Byrant shoot touchdowns and that guy Jessica Simpson is dating do really bad at footballing stuff when she’s watching the match. But just once instead of the quarterback yelling plays we’d like him to yell "Blue, Shimmy-two! Blue, Shimmy-two!", and see the entire offensive line bust into some dancing, boy band-style.

Well, we may be in luck because Justin Timberlake is slated to host the 16th annual ESPY awards this year on ESPN. It was a tough decision for the folks at ESPN, but this year clearly wasn’t the right time Clay Aiken. Go, JT!

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As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora's life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts.

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

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It took 19 years, but Mindy finally threw in the towel. Maybe it was because she got tired of Mork sleeping in a giant egg every night, or maybe it's because Mork finally grew in to a senior citizen baby and Mindy got tired of having to stoop to kiss him at the door. Whatever the reason, Mindy's hoofin' it.  

That's who Robin Williams is married to, right? No? Well whoever he married, she done quit him. The divorce papers filed said something about sleeping with a Brillo pad, and the term 'more hair than a bearded woolly mammoth' got thrown around like twice. Other than that not many details are available.    

We'd like to take the time to stress what few details we've given you so far are completely true. Almost both of them are completely true. Perhaps.     

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As everyone knows, Diddy is responsible for all the bad things in the world, from squeaky floorboards to the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur to the invention of the jellyfish.

We know this because we read the Los Angeles Times, and the Los Angeles Times definitely said that Diddy was definitely behind Tupac's 1994 shooting.

Except that, um, he wasn't. The Los Angeles Times has apologised after an investigation showed that the sources in its recent Diddy/ Tupac story were apparently fabricated. You may be off the hook this time, Diddy, but we've still got you on the jellyfish thing. Our lawyers will be in touch.

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King’s Cross may be the organised and illustrious (read overcrowded and stinking) gateway to our fair capital for many visitors, but pitch up at the station on a Monday evening and you’re not exactly overcome with options for that something special.  

Yes, there is the excellent Water Rats venue just up the road, and passing The Scala the strains of Infadels drift out from their live show, but the area is more of a specialist in chain pubs, disgruntled travellers and tramps selling travelcards than in any kind of enjoyable experience.  

However, tonight is a little different, and the promise of a free gig at The Big Chill House (easily the best bar around here) has brought a fair crowd to the Pentonville Road. And not just any old crowd either, because picking his way through the chattering punters is Romeo Stoddart, Richard Bacon’s best chum and lead singer of hirsute harmonisers The Magic Numbers. As with all aspects of life, celebrities validate our own actions, meaning there must be something of interest here tonight.

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Rule number one of defending alien invasions: don't think you can protect your planet by sticking up a couple of slowly-orbiting weapon satellites that can't fire at the same time.

Because that's what the planet on Astroattack has done, and it makes defending your planet against the aliens a bit bloody hard. You control the satellites by taking account of the planet's gravity and firing them at the swarms of aliens streaming at the planet. But there are a bout a million aliens for each of your satellites and it's all a bit hopeless and you'll never win and the planet will be destroyed in the end anyway, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?

Play Astroattack now 

Hey you! Ever dreamt of a day when a tedious road journey could be broken up with a delicious steaming plate of Ballotine of Anjou Pigeon?

Of course you have, we all have. And soon maybe we will. Channel 4 has poached crazy food scientist Heston Blumenthal away from BBC2 and given him his own show. Heston's first task? Turning around the fortunes of Little Chef.

It goes without saying that Heston Blumenthal has his work cut out, though - how is the revolutionary, three Michelin starred proprietor of one of the world's best restaurants going to be able to improve on an Olympic Breakfast, for christ's sake? It's an impossible task!

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