Posts from March, 2008

Piers Morgan has won the final of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

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Madonna has said that she will not vote for Ken Livingston at the upcoming London Mayoral elections.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade - in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

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Christina Aguilera might be beautiful no matter what they say, but that doesn't give her the right to splash around her pool making sex noises like a mortally wounded buffalo.

Because that's what she does you know. Christina Aguilera's neighbour said so.

Apparently Christina Aguilera and her husband enjoy nothing more than frolicking around naked in their pool, screaming and swearing and 'making sexy noises' much to the annoyance of the elderly people they live near. Nobody seems sure exactly what these sexy noises of Christina Aguilera's are, but we're willing to bet they don't involve her singing anything because, face it, that's about as sexy as listening to a walrus being kicked to death by an alcoholic.

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Forget what all those recruitment consultants tell you - the best way to stop being unemployed is to whap your boobies out.

Trust us, it works like a charm. Just look at Lindsay Lohan. She couldn't get an acting job for toffee after she had all that rehab, so she decided to get her norks out in a magazine instead and - bammo - Lindsay Lohan's scored her first post-rehab acting gig, playing Charles Manson's sidekick in a movie by the producer of Barb Wire.

OK, so that first sentence should have read ' the best way to star in a film that nobody's likely to ever watch is to whap your boobies out' but it's too late to change it now.

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What a week for sheer crudula.

Folded:

• Sock (from Reaper. Pushing thirty and a solid example of a McJob loafer)

• Ten things I hate about The Lost World (funny and insightful piece about why Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park: The Lost World is so crap)

• Poly Jane (shades of modern Morricone, but with more singing - and in English)

• Dirty Sexy Money (the return of Peter Krause, with a hairstyle that changes from scene to scene)

• Snoop Dogg’s Sensual Seduction (featuring a video that is both frightening and hilarious at the same time)

Creased:

• That inane DJ on the game Burnout Paradise (here’s some advice, ‘DJ Atomika’, stop giving us advice and we won’t have to burn the game we just spent forty quid on)

• Simply Be TV advert for fat girl clothes (putting these big lasses in the world’s smallest car then giving one of them a baguette to parade around with is just taking the Michael. Which leads us to…)

• The Michael Jackson Thriller anniversary remixes (hasn’t the plastic ghost already done enough to sully the memory of his only decent songs? We know he needs the money, but can’t he just cut back on sequined gloves instead?)

• Damages (one yawn and you’ve missed the entire plot - which, apart from regular appearances by Ted Danson looking terrifying, is deathly dull)

• Digg.com (no idea how to use this site whatsoever)

One of the most constructive uses for community service is that individuals can utilise talents they already have.

However, celebrities don't really have many useful talents - so when they get given community service, they're usually forced to sweep streets like the bums that they'll never admit that they secretly are. But not T.I.

Rapper T.I was arrested last year for buying all sorts of machine guns illegally, and so his community service involves spending 1,000 hours talking to children about his negative experiences with guns. It's a win-win for all involved, really - T.I gets to educate children about something close to his heart, and the children get to learn about how cool it is to illegally purchase a stash of machine guns. Consider us jolly well heartwarmed.

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The first X-Files movie left all kinds of questions unanswered - questions like 'what's going on?' 'when can I go home?' and 'is this what my life has really come to?'.

So it was always inevitable that an X-Files sequel would be on the cards. And it just so happens that one's coming out in a few months. But nobody has the foggiest clue about what it'll actually be about.

But that's where X-Files sequel director Chris Carter and screenwriter Frank Spotnitz come in. They've decided to spill the beans about the X-Files sequel without actually mentioning anything that's going to happen in it at all. Still interested? Yes? Well that's fairly depressing.

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When hecklerspray thinks of PETA, we think of the time they rushed our house and 'rescued' a boa constrictor we were keeping in several shoe boxes we'd taped end-to-end-to-end until it passed our dear old grandmother.

Thanks for that PETA. We only hope you gave her poopy bones a decent burial. Also, we're pretty sure she was holding one of our Wii controllers when the snake done ate her, so if you could sift through that stuff…

Now when Aretha Franklin thinks of PETA, she has a different experience all together. 'Tax saviors' may be the term that first comes to her mind. That's because they've just promised to pay all her back house taxes on one condition… she must kill her only child! With a cheese grater! And meat spices!

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What is it with female rappers we've never really heard of and jail these days?

Lady rapper Remy Ma - of hits like Guilty, Crazy, Everyday I'm Fucking Him and several other songs you're equally unlikely to have heard of that have less amusing titles - has been convicted of shooting a woman in the belly last year. 

So with Remy Ma facing a 25-year jail term, Foxy Brown still locked up and Lil' Kim's record as an ex-con, that means the only rapping female without a criminal past is now Natasha Bedingfield. And that'll only last until the police finally nail her for all those ivory tombstones she's been embezzling in her teeth.

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Yes we know, you should never judge a book by its cover, but that's what we have done. So blah to you.

If anyone wants to complain, bring it. We feel more than capable of taking you on. And if you do cause us trouble, our trusty wooden chip fork will come in handy. With a name like Child Of Hatred, we were immediately drawn to him.

Did we expect to hear music that would soundtrack fluffy bunnies whilst they went to market to buy a pound of sausage from mother goose? No, not really. In retrospect, we assumed it would be the sort of music you’d here as a group of angry magical foxes slaughtered the rabbits for their house. And we were right. Not about the animals, we’re just weird, but about some the music. 

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Where hecklerspray and Kikizo contributor Ian Dransfield reviews the previews of GTA IV…

I'm sure you're all looking forward to the release of Grand Theft Auto IV on April 29th, aren't you? Of course you are, you've been told you're looking forward to it by so many bloody magazines and websites out there, as well as by the cavalcade of high street shops telling you to buy the game before it's even been released (the non-idiots among us, however, will stick to buying it online for a far cheaper and without the hassle of having to encounter… ugh… other people).

GTA IV is clearly going to be one of the best games of recent times. We're not questioning that fact. Oh no, not even hecklerspray with its edgy, in-your-face counter-culture culture-commentary and mass-exporter of hyphens-based blogging would be so ballsy as to diss this release.

But that bloody hype. That bloody, bloody hype. That we will diss.

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Sometimes the best thing about doing these Slackerjacks is that the game descriptions are such a lot of cobblers. Take Ballhalla, for example.

It's a puzzle game with balls in it, plain and simple. Admittedly Ballhalla is an above-average puzzle game - you might even call it addictive - and yet here's how the thing is sold: 

In Ballhalla - a frantically-paced, arcade-style mystery, put your puzzle-solving skills to the test, combine balls of matter to create enough energy to power the Insta-Matter Transporter and bring the professor’s friends back home safely. After a mishap with his new invention, the Insta-Matter Transporter, Professor Quark has lost his beloved friends, Widget and Proto, to a mysterious and distant alternate world. Download Ballhalla now and begin the fun!

Oh, Professor Quark! When will you learn?

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