Posts from March, 2008

Judging by the amount of time it's on the telly over here, Quincy could probably buy himself a bejewelled sex unicorn with repeat royalties from his show.

Trouble is, though, Quincy says he can't even afford a bejewelled sex gerbil, which he's why he's suing NBC.

Hard-bitten, authority-disrespecting, super-sleuthing coroner Quincy - who was the star of a hard-hitting documentary series for seven years - claims that NBC has been gypping him out of money. Money that he wants. However, Quincy is now 85 years old and might not be thinking straight, because he's also claiming that Quincy wasn't a documentary and that his real name is Jack Klugman. Quincy's name isn't Jack Klugman! Quincy's name is Quincy! Quincy!

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Folks, we’ve got some good news, some bad news and some horrible news. Which do you want first?

Let’s start with the good news, shall we: The entire cast of dire TV twaddle Skins are to be made redundant! Yeah! No more undeveloped twatty stereotypes with better hair than you!

That would be so sweet if it weren't for the bad news. 

The twatty stereotypical undeveloped characters are to be replaced by twattier further stereotyped undeveloped characters with even better hair. Fuck. The good news isn’t quite so good anymore, is it? Pretend you haven’t read this bit. Delete it from your brains. It hasn’t happened.

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U2 are all getting on a bit now, so you'd think that they'd be planning to kick the whole music thing in the head.

After all, there are so many other things like U2 could be doing, like saving Africa or ending poverty or halting climate change or having a lovely bath or paying someone to mash their food up in a bowl for them or dicking around Dublin in silly hats.

But no. Instead U2 have signed a deal with Live Nation. A 12-year deal. 12 years. 12 more years of U2. 12 cocking years of U bastard 2 flying around the world and being all smug and singing their rubbish songs. Thrilled. Seriously.

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Kiefer Sutherland, we used to think you were cool. We thought you were a good guy. We thought you knew right from wrong. Good from bad.  But you have forsaken us, Kiefer.

And why we shall never know. But, we do know that we can never forgive you. We will never look at you in the same way. For you are to direct the musical poo poo that is The Feeling in their next video. Say it ain’t so, Keef. Say it ain’t so. This is disgusting. We want to puke up our innards and then eat them just so we can puke them up again.

“Frontman Dan Gillespie-Sells revealed to The Sun that the 24 star is a fan of theirs, and gets where the band "are coming from". He added: "We make time for each other and whenever he comes to London we meet for a drink."

He gets where they’re coming from? What? London? Even if he told us to come and fill his little world right up with nonsense it couldn’t be possible to make more non-sense.

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You never know when you'll die, but we have a feeling that we'll be around for a few more years thanks to our lack of  illegitimate love children.

Because, without an illegitimate love child there'll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that's as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.

Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath's estate in a way that's uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.

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Without a shadow of a doubt, the two most important things to happen to the planet this year are the American general election and the Sex And The City film.

So imagine - just imagine - what would happen if the general election and the Sex And The City movie hit each other head-on. Imagine the explosion of joy. Scientists would probably bookmark that date as the day when all of Earth's problems were solved forever.

So, people, brace yourself for that exact thing, because it's happened - Sarah Jessica Parker has claimed that her five-year-old son quite likes Barack Obama. And Lego. But mainly Barack Obama. He's harder to ram up your nose than Lego.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Now the video mentioned in the headline there is nowhere near as explicit as you're hoping, you deviant. That said, picture it - there you are out in the wild camping away, when suddenly you're woken up my a super-horny Bigfoot tickling your nethers. It's a frightening predicament really, one that, depending on what the mythical ape-person is wearing, we're pretty sure we hope to never find ourselves in. Again, we'd like to stress here it depends on what the thing is wearing. If it's Versace we just might be in.

As ludicrous as the whole thing sounds - there's a guy who actually claimed something like this pretty recently. Minus the high fashion of course.

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If rumours are to be believed, and of course they are, Madonna is in the process of producing a remake of Casablanca.

The yellowed-vagina singer reportedly wants to play Ingrid Bergman’s part and plans to set the film in war torn Iraq. How current.

A studio source says:

"She is still determined to make it in the movies. She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time.”

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Kevin Spacey is a well-respected theatrical artistic director. This is mostly because all the films he's made lately have been cack.

It's true - look at K-Pax, Pay It Forward, The Shipping News, Fred Claus. Kevin Spacey can't even make a Superman movie these days without everyone thinking it's a bag of stupid donkey pubes.

But, hey, look at this - Kevin Spacey is in 21, and 21 is the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week. And 21's success is definitely because Kevin Spacey is in it, not because loads of attractive young folk hint at scenes of graphic rumpy-pumpy in the trailer. No sirree.

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The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it'll pretty much believe anything.

Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.

Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't get married, but - girls - this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!

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Ah, the old 'I really like their early stuff' cliche.

You make it big, you keep on doing what you do, and sooner or later people start complaining that you're just not as good as you used to be. Surely every artist has to battle against this at some point? Woody Allen, for example, even went so far as to reference the concept in his film Stardust Memories, while we have it on good authority that the bloke from Babylon Zoo spends five hours every day crying over his framed gold disc of Spaceman, howling 'I could have been a god' and scaring away the postman.

You want to know who else is sick of having their early stuff dredged up again and again? Menopausal groovester Madonna, that's who. And she's so goshdarn annoyed that she's never, ever, ever going to play any of her old songs ever, ever again.

Oh - unless someone gives her a shitload of money.

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Why do people misquote films so much? We all do it. That is until some pedantic friend points out your mistake, and you ignore him or her anyway.

And do we why ignore them? Well, that's because you do not want to turn into the annoying, pedantic friend who everyone ignores. It's a vicious circle.

It must make Hollywood screen writers want to tear their hairpieces out. They probably spend hours agonising over one defining line, only for cinema-goers to totally miss the message. Well, today, just to prove we are not only here to titillate but educate, hecklerspray is your annoying pedantic friend who, um, you'll eventually ignore.Really, we don't know why we bother.

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