Posts from February, 2008

Tucker Chapman hasn't had an easy life. Although his father is Dog The Bounty Hunter, he hasn't picked up on any hereditary traits like the orange skin, rubbish hair or underlying racism.

And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.

Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.

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Quite often at family weddings, a slightly dotty old lady will come up to you and marvel at how much you've grown even though you haven't got the foggiest who she is.

This weekend, that situation happened to Sean Preston Federline and Jayden James Federline. Except the dotty old lady in question was Britney Spears. Their mother Britney Spears.

That's right - after almost two months of rejection, Britney Spears finally got to see her kids again on Saturday in an emotional reunion. Emotional for a couple of reasons, of course - Britney Spears was brutally reminded how much she'd lost by behaving so oddly over this last year or so and the kids were just a bit freaked out that there was also a jumpy-looking psychiatrist in the room who flinched every time Britney made a sudden movement.

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The whole 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.

Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.

And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: The Unexplainable

The problem with eighties architecture was that all the doors to buildings were far too formal. They were all very symmetrical, breeze-proof, and most had the overrated ability to open and close. That's way inside the box, man.

Imagine then, our surprise when the renovations we made to our family's west living-room wall with what was certainly an abandoned idling garbage truck went under-appreciated. We were in our room for millenia we tell you, and although we don't believe our father used guard dogs as an internment tool, there was a good chance the family poodle would have gone for the throat had we so much as cracked the door.

Still, that's nothing compared to Anatoly Titsky. He kept his wife and kids locked up in an isolated and haphazard prison camp modelled after Auschwitz for two years.

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Ah, Oscar night. The night when Hollywood celebrates the very best in modern moviemaking, while everyone else goes out and watches an example of fairly dire moviemaking.

Which is to say that Vantage Point is the top movie at the US weekend box office this week.

Not that Vantage Point had much competition, of course - on Oscar weekend most people are far too busy to go and see a movie, preferring to either speculate on the results of the Oscars or have lengthy discussions about the various Oscar gowns on show or hide in their garden, literally bury their head in a compost heap and scream "If I hear one more thing about sodding No Country For Old Men, I'll kill myself! I will, I'll actually kill myself!"

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The Oscars almost didn't happen this year, thanks to the Hollywood writers' strike, and some people said that was a bad thing.

However, when the strike ended, the producers of the Oscars had a brainwave. "What's better than The Oscars That Didn't Happen?" they reasoned, "Why, The Oscars That Nobody Cares About!"

And, as such, the big winners at last night's Oscars were No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood, La Vie En Rose, The Counterfeiters and Michael Clayton - a selection of films whose combined box office grosses would just about stretch to buying you a particularly nice clothes peg. Oh, and Ratatouille won an Oscar too, but hopefully the tremendous oversight of giving an award to a popular film that people actually liked will be rectified by next year.

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Let's face it, we could all do with a bit more sex.

It's a beautiful thing – even if it is a quick knee-trembler around the back of the bar with that ugly girl/ guy from accounts. But sometimes getting your partner in the mood for a bit of loving can be difficult. Sometimes they are just too tired. There's never enough alcohol or Rohypnol when you need it.

Well, hecklerspray understands your pain, so we have come up with a list of films guaranteed to get them hornier than a dog with two cocks…

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Quite often these Slackerjacks are entertaining or frustrating or fun, but rarely are they unsettling. Hidden Secrets puts pay to that little discrepancy.

We're just going to lazily cut and paste the Hidden Secrets game description here, because it does a much better job of explaining it than we ever could. Know that it's a bit bloody good, though:

In Hidden Secrets, attempted murder victim Flora Dale wakes up briefly as she is rushed into the ER. Uncertain of how she got there, and unable to gather enough strength, she is unable to tell the doctors anything and quickly falls into a deep coma. As she lies trapped in her mind she begins a incredible adventure piecing together clues about her life, her day, and what led up to the events which put her here. Will she solve the mystery? Will she wake up in time to name her attacker? Play Hidden Secrets and find out!

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We all know that that Eurovision contest means lots of things. In hecklerspray’s case, it’s a chance to piss off countries across Europe who, in turn, urge us to clean out our years.

For everyone else, it’s a chance to laugh at the horrifying cultural abortions that each country manages to choose. However, there are always a few hidden Eurovision rules. Poland won’t vote for Germany due to a spat they had in the 1940s and nobody votes for England. Not due to politics, but because the entries are shit. The painful memories of Scooch and Daz Sampson still live on. 

While England can choose between some washed-up soap star or reject from X Factor for its nomination, Ireland has had a better idea. Far from taking the competition seriously, they’ve nominated a puppet to represent then. If Finland can have a strange gothic heavy metal act, then why not Dustin The Turkey for Ireland? Because Dustin The Turkey is who Ireland has honestly voted to represent it in May's Eurovision Song Contest. With Paddy Power offering odds of 5-1 at the minute, it seems Dustin has a decent shot of winning it. 'It' being a competition that nobody wants due to the lunacy attached and colossal costs of staging it.

Despite what you probably think, Will Smith isn't a Nazi. And he certainly doesn't have an Adolf Hitler poster on his bedroom wall that he strokes before he goes to sleep.

That's a stone cold fact. Will Smith legally doesn't have an embarrassing schoolboy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, and if you say he does he'll sue you. And win.

Will Smith has won damages after a news agency ran an article called Smith: Hitler Was A Good Person last year. Great news - by suing, Will Smith has not only fixed a weird misapprehension about his beliefs, but he's also effectively ruled out the rumoured Will Smith Adolf Hitler biopic. Thank god - we're pretty sure the world can live without a rap-lite movie theme-tune containing the phrase 'Indomitable Fuhrer' repeated several times in the chorus.

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