Posts from February, 2008

Just a few more days to go until a new episode of Dancing On Ice hurtles round the corner and flings a handful of sharpened sequins into our eyes.

But you know what we've neglected to mention during these Dancing On Ice rundowns so far? The opening Torvill And Dean routines. Despite what you might think, the Torvill And Dean opening numbers - along with the lengthy introductions to the skaters and the judges - isn't just a way to make sure that you can play Guitar Hero for 15 minutes into Dancing On Ice without missing any of the good bits, but it's… um, no, actually that's exactly what it is. Sorry.

Who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…

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When Maxim gave two and a half stars to The Black Crowes' new album Warpaint, suspicions everywhere were raised pretty quickly.

Because, come on, two and a half stars out of five for an album by The Black Crowes? That's a bit bloody generous by anyone's standards.

Anyway, now that The Black Crowes have kicked up an almighty stink about Maxim's fake Warpaint review, the magazine has been forced into issuing a humiliating apology that's bound to harm its readership. After all, how are horny teenage boys expected to wank themselves into a sticky mess over pictures of Megan Fox in a bikini now they know that a blues-oriented hard rock jam-band got given an invented but probably accurate review in a previous issue?

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Madonna - centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is - has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we've been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she'll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile's balls off.

What's that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we're completely wrong - Madonna's new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.

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How does PETA do it? It's seen more A grade celebrity chuff than Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty and John Leslie combined.

The latest to join PETA’s hareem is X Factor’s second-freshest regurgitation Leona Lewis, who is going to take off all her clothes, including her bra and pants - thus rendering her naked - and pose for a photograph in a classy way, like how a lady might, or in other words, pose for a photograph in a way that demands a bit too much magic-eye effort from the masturbator to be regarded as porn. According to The Sun, a source close to Leona said:

“She’s hugely proud to have been asked. She’s a strict vegetarian so it’s a cause close to her heart.”

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We've come to realise that it's just a matter of time before Miley Cyrus has us all in the iron grip of a malevolent dictatorship now.

Why? Well, as if having a top-rated TV show, a number one movie and a bunch of chart-topping albums, isn't enough, now it's been revealed that Miley Cyrus is going to host the CMT awards.

You heard correctly - Miley Cyrus is going to host this year's CMT awards. The world's third-biggest country and western-themed awards show. It doesn't get much bigger than that. Apart from the world's second-biggest country and western-themed awards show, or the world's first-biggest country and western-themed awards show. Or any other awards show at all. Is there no stopping this Miley Cyrus woman?

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You may remember that attorney who claimed Britney Spears' civil rights had been removed by the way her father kept her constantly encased in a pulsating plasma forcefield and only fed her twigs.

Or something. Anyway, this attorney - Jon Eardley - had been pushing to move Britney Spears' conservatorship case to a federal court because of this apparent civil rights hoo-hah.

But it isn't going to happen. A judge has ruled that the Britney Spears case has to remain in California because the attorney isn't really Britney Spears' attorney. Interesting, huh? OK, on with your lives now.

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Mischa Barton isn't just that one-time partly famous actress who was in The OC and nothing else at all after that, like you think she is.

No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That's right - a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil' Kim.

Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That's bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don't worry Hayden! We're on our way! And we're bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!

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Pamela Anderson. The woman has such good intentions, you know. She’s always picking up random men from the grubby trashy loser pound and marrying them, only to have each marriage fail miserably.

We hate to tell you this, Pam, but you just gotta let some of those strays be put down, honey. We’ve had to do the same thing with several of Paris Hilton’s boyfriends. Just gotta let them go…

But now, Pamela Anderson finds herself doing the failed marriage thing again with that Rick Salomon guy she married. No, wait. Scratch that. She’s just getting an annulment this time,not a divorce. Oh, okay then. That’s much better.

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You there! Need a creepy set for your latest horror movie? Don't cry when you walk around abandoned zoos? Quite a lot richer than you have any reason to be?

Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.

That's right - there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot. 

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As one of S Club 7, Tina Barrett made four number one singles, one number one album and a slightly ropey film.

Since S Club 7's split, Tina has managed to avoid a lot of the controversy that other S Clubbers have found themselves in - mainly by steering clear of making slightly racist comments on reality TV shows and Agent Codey Banks 2: Destination London. She currently lives in London and spends her time working on solo material and fending off the hamfisted romantic advances of hecklerspray.

We asked Tina Barrett the same questions we ask everyone else, and this is how she answered…

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An entire city that's a puzzle? We think we've been there before - isn't it called Southampton?

Apparently not - Puzzle City is a game all about, and we quote, "assembling buildings from colour-coded construction blocks before the conveyor belt backs up." All in all you repeat this process to build 48 different entire cities, which sounds like a lot of hard work, but Puzzle City is actually quite fun, so shhh.

Order Puzzle City Now

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Naomi Campbell isn't just a supermodel, she's also a role-model - and legions of young women will rush to do exactly what she does.

Which means that millions of girls will now be frantically trying to grow a cyst in their stomachs so they can fly to Brazil and have it chopped out of them just like their hero Naomi Campbell.

Nobody knows why Naomi Campbell flew all the way to Brazil just to get a cyst removed, but it was highly important that she did get it removed - after all, she's a supermodel and that tiny sac of fluid had probably tripled her bodyweight, the fat cow.

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