Posts from January, 2008

If you were one of the 36 trillion people who tried to get tickets to see the Led Zeppelin comeback show last year, fret not.

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

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Yes, you read that correctly - at the Super Bowl, the New York Giants will be replaced with Michael Jackson, who'll face off against the New England Patriots with just a monkey in a helmet for help.

No, we're just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday's Super Bowl - music. But Michael Jackson won't be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn't cut it as entertainment any more.

Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that's not true either - some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Not much of a story, this, is it?

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Although initial reports claimed that Heath Ledger died from a drug overdose - accidental or otherwise - now it appears that they might have been way off the mark.

Because now sources apparently close to the investigation into Heath Ledger's death suspect that he may have died because his heart just stopped. Whether it was a heart attack or something else - or whether these natural death claims are completely inaccurate - remains to be seen. But if it is true, then at least Jack Nicholson was wrong the other day.

And that's always heartwarming news.

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Imagine the glorious baby that would be created if obnoxious pop brat Avril Lavigne ever had a baby with syrup-faced goon Deryck Whibley.

And imagine it hard, because you won't get to see it for a while. Although reports have been fizzing around claiming that Avril Lavigne is expecting her first baby, Avril's reps have dashed everyone's hopes by claiming that none of it is true.

But, hey, at least now that she probably isn't pregnant Avril Lavigne gets to remain the cleverest and most mature person in her family. Unless she has a pet gerbil, of course.

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Quick! What's less funny than Scary Movie? Date Movie! And what's less funny than Date Movie? Epic Movie! And what's less funny than Epic Movie?

Why, it's Meet The Spartans - the film that does for 300 what Epic Movie did for Superman. And Meet The Spartans is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, even though it looks about as funny as that operation where you pull parasitic guinea worms out of your leg.

Still, Meet The Spartans wasn't the only ridiculous parody to chart high in the US weekend box office - Rambo came in at number two.

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This weekend it emerged that a 10-tonne satellite the size of a bus will smash into Earth at 22,000mph in the next couple of weeks - leaking all sorts of hazardous substances - and nobody knows where it'll hit, putting millions at risk.

In other news, some actors think that Daniel Day-Lewis is quite good at acting.

The SAG awards took place last night, and because it's just about the only awards show where nobody will get booed by the people who write Smallville just for attending, almost every single actor in the world turned up. And by now you'll already be able to guess who won.

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Everyone knows that sequels generally suck. Let's face it, the only reason Hollywood comes up with a second helping is to cash in on the success of the original.

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn't come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It's certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean's 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God's sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

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The human body is a brilliant thing - apart from enabling us to do major stuff like walking, eating and breathing, various parts of our body can also be used for immature fun.

Take the bottom for example. There are tons of alternative words for this piece of flesh. Ass, arse, batty, behind, booty and bum are just some of the brilliant ways to describe it. Sometimes you may have to come to terms with your own bottom while having a shower in the morning. There you see yourself in all your hideous glory. So it’s not like you’d be shocked to see an image of an arse on TV, is it? Apparently so.

NYPD Blue recently showed an episode which depicted a female arse. Not a problem you’d think. Well it is, and there may be some punishment to the network ABC.

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Click a box 50 times. That's all Click Race asks you to do. Click a box 50 times.

Obviously it's not as easy as all that, though - Click Race is a bitch. It'll confuse you. It'll make you cry. It'll make you not want to finish playing. Click Race is obscenely cruel. You'll feel like less of a person when Click Race is done with you. Click Race will be responsible for the break-up of your marriage.

Play Click Race now 

It hasn't been a good weekend for Cheryl Cole - it started on Friday with news that her husband Ashley Cole had dicked a woman and ended yesterday with news that Ashley Cole had dicked another woman.

In fact, the way things are going, there's a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

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