Posts from January, 2008

Wish you could make some money on the results of the Grammys next month? You're in luck.

Wish you could make enough money to buy the Grammys and destroy them right in front of Steven Tyler's weeping face? Well, that'll be a little more difficult, but not impossible. Because this week we're letting you bet on the results of the Grammys Best Song category. Yes, all the nominees are universally awful, but this is to make you rich, not to stop you going deaf, OK?

So here are the Grammys betting odds for Umbrella by Rihanna and Rehab by Amy Winehouse, with help from Paddy Power…

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Britney Spears has just been sectioned after apparently trying to kill herself.

In scenes eerily reminiscent of the last time she was carted off to hospital after a meltdown, ambulances, helicopters and police cars all recently descended onto the home of Britney Spears to keep her detained in hospital for at least 72 hours.

Even for Britney Spears, these last few days have been incredibly dramatic, with her manager Sam Lutfi's claims that Britney is mentally ill apparently sparking off a public roadside nervous breakdown that led to ugly squabbles between Britney Spears, her family, her manager and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

According to reports, Britney Spears has been taken to UCLA Medical Centre where she'll be observed for 72 hours, with the stay extended for up to two weeks should she refuse to take her medication. The sectioning comes amid reports that Britney Spears hasn't slept since Saturday. Although rumours are circulating about an alleged suicide attempt, nothing has been made official yet.

More on this one as we get it. 

Read more:

Britney Went Willingly - TMZ 

TV prankster Jeremy Beadle has died, aged 59.

The popular TV presenter passed away on Wednesday after being admitted to hospital last week with pneumonia. 

Beadle had been suffering with poor health since being diagnosed with leukaemia almost three years ago.

He was best known for presenting popular shows such as Game for a Laugh and Beadle's About.

As we all know, the best way to get yourself out of a pickle when videos of you babbling religiously appear on the internet is to knock your wife up.

That appears to be the case anyway - Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she's pregnant by buying a T-shirt with 'Big Sister' written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?

Hardly - unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn't get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.

Or something.

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Some of you may have laughed off the imminent New Kids On The Block reunion as a casual threat invented by someone who clearly hates mankind.

But that's where you'd be wrong. The New Kids on The Block reunion is happening. The group couldn't be more serious about it happening. They're so serious that there's a brand new song on the New Kids On The Block website.

And you know what? The new New Kids On The Block song is actually really goo… no, we're just kidding. It's crap.

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OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.

Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.

Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.

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Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus as she's known in real life, isn't actually called Miley Cyrus - she was born with the name Destiny Hope Cyrus. But Miley Cyrus isn't called that now, either.

Sorry, that was confusing. Look - Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana in the TV show Hanna Montana, has just changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus because her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus and everyone called her Miley Cyrus anyway and she liked the 'Ray' part of her Dad's name.

There, that's cleared all the confusion up.

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If you're a sad, divorced, light-headed member of a fringe religion who has unruly children and collects creepy dolls, television has let you down lately.

But not any more, because Marie Osmond has just announced her own daytime TV show. And, from what we can gather, this is just because Marie Osmond fell over on that TV show about dancing.

Don't worry, though, Marie Osmond's TV show won't start until late next year, so you've got plenty of time to go and find ways to avoid it. Maybe, say, by blowing your head up with dynamite or trying to chew through an electrical power line.

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This celebrity rehab fad is getting way out of hand - now even actresses who we haven't seen or thought of for over a decade have decided to give it a whirl, too.

Yes, Sean Young, we're looking at you. 

Sean Young - star of several films you're too young to remember - has decided to check herself into rehab after drunkenly heckling winners at this weekend's Directors Guild Of America awards until she was escorted out of the ceremony. That's the spirit.

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Hecklerspray loves remakes.

Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we've been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It's a lot more literal than the original - in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince.

Someone who isn't too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek - previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex - was all set to direct Universal's upcoming 'reimagining' of horror classic The Wolfman.

Then he walked away.

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As if you needed reminding, Britney Spears had a full-on kerb-sitting dog-clutching sobbing meltdown on Monday night after a fight with her manager Sam Lutfi.

Nothing particularly unusual about that - Britney Spears seems to be contractually obliged to have a weird public meltdown every couple of weeks these days - but is Sam Lutfi really the steady hand that he's claimed to be?

Apparently not - it turns out that Sam Lutfi might be a weirdo with a bunch of restraining orders against him and a history of urging people to kill themselves. Which is, you know, inevitable.

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Hey, cat owners! Tired of your pet basically ignoring you and dragging half-dead frogs into your house all the time? Well, why not cover them in sticky tape as a sort of freakish revenge ploy!

That seems to be the gist of this clip, anyway - it looks as if you can really bugger up a cat's ability to walk by strapping a load of sticky tape across its fur. We think - not being able to speak Japanese, we have no idea whether this is a specially-trained tape cat or whether you can make all cats walk around like wankers if you bung a strip of masking tape on their backs. You can always try it on your cat to find out, you know. And video it. And send us the Youtube link. 

And, no, this definitely isn't cruel to cats. Well, it might be a bit cruel. But it's funny. And isn't that more important?