Posts from December, 2007

Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice, either for being caught up in her husband's barman-attack thing or using her haircut to harbour known criminals - we just don't know.

Oh, alright, actually we do know. Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice yesterday after she was apparently implicated in all this business that's got her husband Blake Fielder-Civil currently banged up. After allegedly beating up a pub landlord to such an extent that he needed metal plates inserted into his face, Blake Fielder-Civil is then claimed to have offered him £200,000 to shut up and leave the country - and it's thought that Amy Winehouse was brought into it because, without her wealth, all Blake could offer the landlord was 26p, half a packet of Refreshers and tatty hat that looks like someone's been wiping their arse on it.

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Last night saw the finale of the ever-fantastical BBC spy series, Spooks. If you’ve never seen it before, it is about a group of egotistical clerical officers who take themselves far too seriously, and snoop on baddies from largely non-Christian countries.  

In this week’s episode the Israelis airstrike a school located on the Gaza Strip, and while it isn’t really clear why that happened or why it involves the British, it just does. Events do seem to be created on the hoof in this episodic window on the fictional offices of MI5. For instance, the Venezuelans of all people randomly sent a coded message to our boys via the medium of Beethoven’s 7th. This Mighty Boosh-inspired idea was promptly resolved by Adam Carter (Rupert Penry-Jones) and team by replying with Pomp and Circumstance. Perhaps everyone will start sending messages using the songs of Steps instead of texting in future.  

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Eagle-eyed hecklerspray readers might have noticed that our erstwhile scribe - and the man who brought the beauty of Bumrape Island to your attention - C J Davies doesn't particularly like Second Life.

And now his rampant hatred of Second Life has spiralled out of all control, resulting in this short video for digital channel Current TV where C J just goes on and on about how much he dislikes Second Life. Really - on and on and on he goes, slating Second Life to such a degree that it might as well just kill itself.

Warning - this video is very funny, and not just because you get to see C J Davies waggling an enormous black dildo around like some sort of obscene lightsaber. OK, partly because of that… 

The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it'd probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.

Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that's pretty much guaranteed already. But who'll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you're interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power…

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As everyone knows, Jessica Simpson is currently infatuated with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo - which would be great except for the fact that Jessica has made Tony rubbish at everything.

On Sunday the Dallas Cowboys lost an important match against the Philadelphia Knicker-Kickers (or something), with Tony Romo having a particularly bad day. Now, Dallas American Football fans being what they are have studied everything from training to meteorological conditions to Philadelphia's advanced level of man-marking in an effort to try and work out what was to blame for Tony Romo's spectacular drop in form - and they've decided that it's Jessica Simpson's fault. It's all Jessica Simpson's fault. Everything is Jessica Simpson's fault and she smells and walks like a man. Basically.

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BBC Radio 1 has made the decision to censor the word 'faggot' from Kirsty MacColl and Shane McGowan's yuletide anthem Fairytale Of New York.

Inevitably, various groups are up in arms at this display of censorship, calling it political correctness gone mad and everything else you'd probably expect it to. However, the real outrage isn't that Radio 1 has censored the word 'faggot' from Fairytale Of New York, or that it's even playing a song that originally contained the word 'faggot' - no, the real outrage is that Radio 1 is playing a song that's about three times older than its average listener in the first place.

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Although Tara Reid's post-American Pie career has hinted at invincibility - full of non-stop partying punctuated by morale-sapping cameos on Scrubs - her recent Bali trip has proved that she's only human.

You see, Tara Reid has become the latest almost perfectly sober young woman to fall foul of Bali's notoriously uneven nightclub flooring. Reports suggest that after only 'a couple of drinks' at a Bali nightspot earlier this week, Tara Reid 'lost her footing' and fell hard enough to be hospitalised. Luckily the accident wasn't serious enough to postpone the release of Tara Reid's newest movie Land of Canaan, which will still be coming to a low-rent cut-price barely-watched digital movies on demand service near you next year.

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No one could have predicted how much fun it was going to be watching as the music industry, having tried to ignore the power of the internet for ages, suddenly realised it was being over run and was well and truly in the shit.

And if the music world getting its knickers in a twist about the internet wasn't entertaining enough, now the world of getting baby crocodiles to bite your nipples and drinking mouthfuls of horse-sperm is up in arms about it, too. In short, the new Jackass movie will be released on the internet for free tomorrow.

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Here at hecklerspray we're old hands at signing autographs, although most autograph hunters seem to want us to write 'Martina Navratilova' or 'Sloth Out Of The Goonies' instead of our own names, which is weird.

But as experienced as we are, we'll never be as flat-out incredible at autograph-signing as Johnny Depp. For the third year straight, Johnny Depp has been named as the best Hollywood signer by Autograph magazine for the way he unfailingly manages to put a pen onto some paper and spell his own name correctly without mistaking the pen for some corn on the cob and eating it or inadvertently writing 'Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen' or 'Lunar Orbiter 3' instead of 'Johnny Depp'. Truly the man deserves a medal.

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The striking writers of Hollywood have decided that nobody is to write next year's Golden Globes and Oscar ceremonies, meaning that all we'll have to laugh at is whatever shriekingly awful dress Sarah Jessica Parker turns up in.

Although the Writers Guild Of America strike currently just means that Ellen DeGeneres' infantile dog-based on-air tantrums are ad-libbed instead of tightly-scripted, the Guild has now decided to reject offers of an interim agreement allowing writers to work on next year's Golden Globes and Oscar ceremonies. That means that either this awards season will culminate in two long, awkward, unfunny, massively unentertaining shows or that the Golden Globes and the Oscars hire non-union writers from Lithuania to shape the ceremonies - fingers crossed for the latter, because LNK TV show Žinios. Verslas. Kriminalai has gone without a slick satirical Hollywood skewering for too long now.

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