Posts from December, 2007

Is it golf? Is it pool? Where's the lightning? It doesn't seem very crazy, does it? Who are you? What am I doing in this frock? Is that my urine?

These are just some of the questions we asked ourselves when playing Lightning Crazy Golf, today's Slackerjack. Lightning Crazy Golf is a pool game, played on a golf course where you collect coins and try to knock other balls into holes with your own ball in a set amount of time. Look, we know it doesn't make any sense, but play it anyway, you ungrateful little turds.

Play Lightning Crazy Golf Now 

If we had the chance to meet Mr T, we’d literally collapse in excitement and piss ourselves until our bladder was dry. However, after watching his latest commercial, we’d really just want to know where it all went wrong. 

We all know and love Mr T as B.A Baracus from The A-Team, where every week he’d literally go ape-shit on all the evil-doers and make sure they’d never trouble the orphanage, little Jimmy or your mum ever again. He’s such a hard bloke that we’d never dream of even challenging him to a game of paper, stones and scissors. Probably because he wouldn’t use any of those three tools. He’d just use the fourth weapon of pain to kick our arse. 

Read the rest of this entry »

The Spice Girls gave something rather special to their audience this week - no, Geri Halliwell didn't do the decent thing and cover herself up for once, but the Spice Girls all brought their children onstage.

During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it's been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going "pffft" at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Strictly Come Dancing final takes place this Saturday, but poor old Gethin Jones - who was eliminated last week - won't be taking part.

Gethin Jones was voted off Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday night after getting just a teensy bit too big for his boots. It literally took Gethin Jones months to learn how to emote properly during a dance, but on Saturday his emotion warped into a horrible sort of self-parody - we can't even remember the dances that he did because we were too busy looking at all the weird faces that he and his Strictly Come Dancing partner kept making at each other. Unless the story of their dance really was about a gay vampire chasing a woman with brainfreeze, in which case it was uncanny.

Who'll win the Strictly Come Dancing final on Saturday? here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Di Angelo, with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

State Of Play - the movie adaptation of a BBC mini-series that recently hit the headlines when Brad Pitt didn't want to be in it any more - has had another member-swap.

Now, thanks to Brad Pitt suddenly leaving State Of Play and Russell Crowe taking his place, production has been slightly delayed - and that delay has meant that Edward Norton has been forced to drop out as well. But, undeterred, the State Of Play team have laboured on and quickly signed up Ben Affleck to fill his shoes. And don't forget that State Of Play still hasn't started filming yet, so by the time it hits cinemas we can expect State Of Play's all-star line-up to include two Baldwin brothers, the girl from The Craft who wasn't Neve Campbell or the pretty one, a Chinese Highland Shrew and your Mum.

Read the rest of this entry »

You don't want to get on the wrong side of the Vatican - not only does it have the power to send you to hell, but it can also deliver quite a nasty movie review, as The Golden Compass is discovering.

The Vatican newspaper l'Osservatore Romano has launched a scathing attack aimed at The Golden Compass, and what it calls the movie's "cold and hopeless world." Quite what the Vatican's problem is with The Golden Compass, a movie about shifty-eyed bishops trying to kill children that may as well be called All Catholics Smell Of Bumholes, we don't know. But when you go and see The Golden Compass, just you remember that it isn't really the Pope's cup of tea. He much prefers Piss Crazy Lesbian Sluts 2, you see, and says it's a high watermark of the piss crazy lesbian slut genre. Or something. Possibly.

Read the rest of this entry »

David Hasselhoff is no stranger to washing his dirty linen in public, but that's probably because he made it dirty by either wetting himself or belching up globs of half-chewed hamburger down it.

And David Hasselhoff's pretty swell at idiomatically washing his dirty linen in public, too - just look at the endless public squabbling between David Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach during and after their divorce. However, the good news is that Hasselhoff and Bach have finally reached a settlement about their post-divorce battle over their money and children. Great news for the Hasselhoff children - this settlement means they can now play their parents off each other for material gain instead of just standing around filming David Hasselhoff rolling around the floor gurgling and pushing clumps of fast food into the side of his head because that's where he thinks his mouth is.

Read the rest of this entry »

Shaun Anthony is pop-soul's great white hope for 2008. And that's not just loose talk - Lemar from Fame Academy thinks so too.

Inspired by a precise formula of influences to make girls scream and credible music fans sit up and take notice, 20-year-old Shaun Anthony is working on an album for next year. We caught up with him for a chat about music, life, and to quite brazenly flirt with him for a little bit at the end…

Read the rest of this entry »

OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now's the time to step forward - first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it's Lily Allen, so who's next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert?

Never mind, let's just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she's apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen's pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as 'the overspill nub'.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lava doesn't boil - it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that's just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not.

No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. 'Surprise! The ring's not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.' Real juvenile New Line! We'll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom's money! Sure, it's free from the government, but it's because she's disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!

In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He's not going to direct though. He's going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book 'The Real Tolkien volume III,' which we wrote.

Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.

Read the rest of this entry »

It's being reported that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here star and ex-husband of Liza Minnelli David Gest has been rushed to hospital with chest pains and respiratory problems, leading to fears that he's suffered a heart attack.

Apparently David Gest was rushed to a private London hospital early this morning, where his condition is now being described as stable. According to David Gest's spokeswoman:

"At 5.30am, David Gest was admitted to hospital, after suffering from severe chest pains and respiratory problems. David is stable and receiving the best medical attention. We are awaiting a further update from doctors."

Hopefully this means that this supposed heart attack wasn't a serious one, and that David Gest will be able to return to his job producing the inexplicable touring stage-based autobiography David Gest Is Nuts - My Life as a Musical starring Shalamar and Gloria Gaynor.

However, we can't help feeling that fate is starting to punish anyone who attended David Gest and Liza Minnelli's wedding back in 2002. First Liza Minnelli collapses and falls off a stage and now David Gest is rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. That means it's the turn of the bridesmaids next - quick, someone call Martine McCutcheon and tell her to hide herself safely in a cupboard away from the public eye for about 70 or 80 years.

Read more:

David Gest Rushed To Hospital - Metro  

You have to hand it to Jamie Lynn Spears - not many 16-year-old girls would try and take the heat off their messed-up older sisters by getting themselves pregnant at a ridiculously young age.

But that's just the kind of socially-conscientious girl Jamie Lynn Spears is. Now that her older sister Britney Spears is being heralded by many as the world's most famous bad mother, Jamie Lynn wants to have a go, too - so she's announced to the world via OK! magazine that she's 12 weeks pregnant with a baby fathered by her long-term boyfriend Casey Aldridge. News of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy might seem like the Spears family has now reached critical mass when it comes to sexual irresponsibility, but you haven't seen anything yet - the cover of next week's Us Weekly consists of a close-up photo of baby Sean Preston's face alongside the quote "Dude! I Totally Knocked Up 15 Thai Sluts Last Week!"

Read the rest of this entry »