Posts from December, 2007

It's Christmas. Did you know that? No, us neither. That's because, like you, the daily work/ eat/ sleep grind has now left us in such a permanently dazed state of mind that sometimes we just tune out and, when we come to, we don't know if we've been staring into space for seconds or hours or days. Christmas!

Anyway, here's Holly A Christmas Story for you. Holly A Christmas Story is a hidden object game, the kind of thing we seem to spend half our lives trying to get you people to play. But Holly A Christmas Story is different, because Holly A Christmas Story is all about Christmas. Christmas!

Christmas!

Order Holly A Christmas Story Now

Download Holly A Christmas Story

Along with the giving and receiving of official Cliff Richard calenders and morbid gluttony, Christmas is all about Simon Cowell getting personality-free dullards to number one with awful pretend-aspirational songs.

And that's no different this year. Leon Jackson, winner of X Factor and a young man so crushingly inarticulate that his primary method of communication is weeping, has been all but guaranteed this year's Christmas number one with his song I Believe or Believe In Me or When You Believe or I Preconceive That My Sleeve Believes Its Weave's Called Steve. Not only that, but When You Believe by Leon Jackson looks set to become the fastest-selling single of the year, selling 300,000 copies in less than a week. That's not the only record When You Believe's broken, either - it's also the only Christmas number one with a tune that nobody can remember even when they've just finished listening to it.

Read the rest of this entry »

We can't quite believe it, but it's the final of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow night, as Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo face off to, um, dance. And stuff.

It's an emotional time here - not just because it marks the end of Strictly Come Dancing, but because it also means we'll have to end our near-obsessive Strictly Come Dancing research on the Digital Spy forums. Whatever will we do without Strictly Come Dancing in our lives? What's that? What do you mean there's always Dance X? How dare you insult us like that! Get out! Go on, get out!

So, will Strictly Come Dancing 2007 be won by Matt Di Angelo or Alesha Dixon? Here's the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

It's becoming slightly traditional for rumours of a Jay-Z/ Beyonce marriage to surface every December, but this this time it looks like they might have been spot-on.

Reports are surfacing that Jay-Z and Beyonce properly went and got married during a trip to Paris last week. They're completely unconfirmed rumours, of course, but we'll soon see how true they are because apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce both got their fingers tattooed instead of swapping wedding rings. That doesn't necessarily mean we should all strain our eyes trying to look for infinitesimal markings on Jay-Z and Beyonce's fingers, though - the signs will be much more obvious than that. On the basis that they both let a Frenchman tattoo their fingers last week, we just need to look out for the 'Beyonce Has One Giant Septic Hand Covered In Pus' headlines to confirm everything we need to know.

Read the rest of this entry »

One of the many endless golden highlights of awards season is the Screen Actors Guild awards, where all the actors in the world put their actor-heads together and decide who did the best acting out of all the actors in the world.

The Screen Actors Guild award nominations were announced today, and Sean Penn's wilderness epic Into The Wild has come out on top, scooping four nods. And frankly we're stumped - we just can't figure out why a bunch of actors have decided that a serious, unpopular film that was directed by a serial award-winning actor about a boy reacting to the majesty of nature is the best-acted film of the year. Come on - haven't any of these actors seen Good Luck Chuck?

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s official: our gracious, noble Queen Liz junior, has rewritten the record books again by becoming the longest living British monarch in history.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

Read the rest of this entry »

Thought that Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close - Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs.

Well, sort of - Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they're breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It's thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned - it might just mean that they're either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.

Read the rest of this entry »

Silent Night, Away In A Manger and Oh Come All Ye Faithful are the traditional songs that annoying children will sing to you if you are dumb enough to answer your door at any given frozen night about this time of year.

We don’t like these songs very much, they're not very energetic and quite frankly they're not worth giving any money to. But will carol singers sing on our door for free? Will they bollocks. Because we’re miserable old bastards and wish death and destruction over Christmas instead of peace, love and bird flu-free turkey, we thought we’d give you some very nontraditional Christmas music. There’s nothing like roasting chestnuts over a fire whilst listening to the relaxing beats and melodies of Polish Drum & Bass artist Bogdan Raczynski. Polish!

Read the rest of this entry »

Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker is denying that cheated on his wife with French model Alexandra Paressant so strongly that he's suing X17 for $40 million over it.

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports - along with text messages apparently proving it - that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with - or even ever meeting - this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

Read the rest of this entry »

Forget crocodiles, sharks, or insects that make you bleed through your arse, Bear Grylls is the scariest thing on TV.

In truth, at first glance ex-Etonian Bear, or 'Edward Michael', as his mother likes to call him, hardly looks like the stuff of nightmares. He has an accent that would shatter glass and looks more like a well-intentioned Geography teacher than an action hero.

But anybody who has tuned into his Bear Grylls: Born Survivor series on the Discovery Channel knows exactly what we're talking about.

Read the rest of this entry »

This R Kelly child porn sex-tape kerfuffle has rattled on for so long that the child in question is now a 93-year-old great-grandmother with an irrational phobia of urine, and yet still it shows no sign of concluding.

That's partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him - but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn't turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he's going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he'll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.

Read the rest of this entry »

Creepy sterile men, form an orderly queue - Jamie Lynn Spears, the newly-pregnant 16-year-old sister of Britney Spears, might very well be back on the market.

Less than 24 hours after Jamie Lynn Spears announced to the world via OK! magazine that a boy she met at church had knocked her up, it's looking increasingly like the pregnancy has driven a wedge between her and the baby's father Casey Aldridge. Yesterday Casey Aldridge took to his MySpace page to poetically express the profound complexity of young love torn asunder by sudden biological maturity. In other words, Casey changed his mood to 'Blah' and listed his status as 'Me and Jamie are over :('. It's hard to know how Jamie Lynn Spears will react to such a poignant display of heartbreak, although experts are guessing it'll either be :'( or x_x depending on how heavily the hormones are kicking in.

Read the rest of this entry »