Posts from December, 2007

Perhaps the greatest Christmas present a woman can receive is the gift of a gaudy mirrorball that looks like it was bought from a car boot sale, and that's what Alesha Dixon got after winning Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday.

Alesha Dixon won Strictly Come Dancing after a tense dance-off with her dancing rival Matt Di Angelo off EastEnders. Well, OK, maybe not tense - what with Alesha and Matt doing five dances each, all the old Strictly Come Dancing contestants doing a dance each, the Spice Girls singing a song accompanied by a dance and Bruce Forsyth doing a comedy song and dance number, watching the Strictly Come Dancing final felt a little bit like wading through treacle. But, hey, who cares - Alesha Dixon has now won Strictly Come Dancing and is now almost guaranteed to get this year's Christmas number one.

No, wait, that's the other one. What exactly do Strictly Come Dancing winners do again?

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Imagine a world populated only by Will Smith, his dog and a host of blood-sucking Gillian McKeith lookalikes. Oh and it's all Emma Thompson's fault!

That is the nightmarish vision set out in I Am Legend, directed by Francis Lawrence (Constantine). Part sci-fi horror, part art-house stroll, the film is based on Richard Matheson's post-apocalyptic 1954 book about the last man alive on earth.

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The shock pregnancy of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears has shocked all kinds of reactions of people, be it sadness, anger or - in the case of all grubby old men - vaguely muttered sexual arousal.

But Jamie Lynn Spears needs support in this difficult time, and who better to give it to her than everyone's favourite overbearing soul diva with ideas half a notch above her station Mary J Blige. While the rest of the world tuts in disapproval and mumbles things like "terrible parenting," "statutory rape" and - in the case of all grubby old men - "haven't you been a dirty girl?" Mary J Blige is there for Jamie Lynn Spears, snapping her fingers, popping her neck and representing for the sisterhood so hard that it looks like she's having some kind of bloody seizure.

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Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase 'rape party' is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was - also supposedly - given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let's continue…

A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:

"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."

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We're not all like you - we don't all use Google Earth to try and find topless women sunbathing in their garden. Some people use it to find massive spooky weirdness in arctic wildernesses.

Watch this video - it's of something that's shown up in Greenland on Google Earth. Apparently there's a perfectly straight, brightly-glowing object that's 50 miles long slap-bang in the middle of Greenland. What could it be? A mysterious government-controlled alien laboratory? A crashed UFO? A trick of the light? That 50-mile glowing dildo that your mum lost the other week? We just don't know.

One thing's for sure, though - the people need to be told! Or the people need to be ignored because they'll probably forget all about by the time they go to bed. One way or the other. 

Soon be here…

Folded:

• Happy Christmas! (ready to fight with the family?)

• Getting a couple of days off (‘cos that’s really all it’s about)

• Granite by Pendulum (retro drum ‘n’bass with lyrics…yeah, why not)

• We Own the Night (a bitter taste to cut through the syrupy festive fare)

• Erin O’Connor (tall, slim, very pretty lady from the M&S Christmas adverts)

Creased:

• Happy Humbug! (all ready to hide out in Acapulco?)

• Late postmen (what time of day to call is 2.00 pm?! It'd be quicker to send a midget with bubble gum stuck on his feet)

• Shops abandoning their Christmas decorations in favour of giant SALE placards (a miserable thing to see and probably even worse if you have to work in these un-festive havens of grumpiness)

• Frosty mornings (a thin layer of concrete on your windscreen and only the heartiest, most deadly of £1.99 chemicals can help you remove it)

• New Year’s Eve washout (can somebody we know please do something classy like go to a ball or watch fireworks while sipping a glass of Moet. Break the cycle, please)

Now it would be a little too obvious to talk about another Christmas film this week on Movies From Beyond.

If it was your thing, you could always fire up Emo-kid favourite The Nightmare Before Christmas directed by goth god Tim Burton or, for real frights, you could always just sit back and watch the Queen witter on for half an hour. Our tip is none of the above.

Instead, we'll be looking at Hooper and Death Proof…

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Morrissey might be getting it from all sides thanks to those anti-immigration remarks he supposedly made in the NME, but he'll always have one lifelong fan in the shape of Russell Brand.

Russell Brand loves Morrissey so much that he's got a pet cat named Morrissey, and every time he's tried to interview Morrissey he's quickly dissolved into giggling fits of awkward schoolboy fandom. And now Russell Brand's love for Morrissey has been reciprocated. No, Morrissey hasn't bought a cat and named it Russell Brand - there's a chance the cat might have come from another country and partially helped to destroy the British identity, meaning that Morrissey would have to knock it unconscious with a spanner and throw it out of the window, or something - but he's letting Russell Brand be in his new video. According to an email we just got off some bloke:

Popular comedian, TV star and noted author Russell Brand is to star in the promo video for Morrissey's forthcoming single That's How People Grow Up. That's How People Grow Up is due for release on 28th January, one week prior to a 15 track Greatest Hits which spans his unique 20-year solo career.

The video to Morrissey's new single hasn't been released yet, so we can't tell you if it's good or a self-indulgent bag of cock. But, you know, take a guess. 

Take that Jamie Lynn Spears - you might think you've got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you've starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you're pregnant.

In other words, come back when you're Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub - or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium - Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone's knocked her up. And not just anyone, either - Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper's baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again - because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is. 

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Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom's children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her 'Mom' in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage.

Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom's adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as 'Mom', even though 'very slightly older sister' would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her 'Nicole' against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we're not so sure - every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent's new partner more than them.

Come on, that's rule number one, people.

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You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face - but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' - now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

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If you want the police to go easy on you after you've been arrested for driving a car drunk, perhaps you should try screaming a hate-filled rant about how rubbish Jewish people are, because it worked for Mel Gibson.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department yesterday released its report into the DUI arrest of Mel Gibson last year, and it turns out that Mel got plenty of special treatment from the police. Apparently police attempted to hide aspects of Mel Gibson's arrest from the public, didn't sign all the necessary paperwork and even gave him a lift back to his car after he was released. Worst of all, Mel Gibson was also ignored by the female police office who he drunkenly bellowed "What are you looking at, Sugartits?" to, when official police procedure required her to curtsy, giggle into her handkerchief and reply "Why thank you kind sir" in the style of a wealthy plantation owner's daughter from 1860s Virginia.

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