Posts from December, 2007

Now we're at the bum-end of 2007, it's time to reflect on the year gone by.

It's a year that's seen hecklerspray writers thrown out of magazine-based writing competitions for cheating, hecklerspray writers painted bright orange as a gruesome initiation to other magazines, hecklerspray writers going on serious news programmes to discuss the real threat of wanking Kenyan monkeys and hecklerspray writers waggling huge black dildos around while being scathing about Second Life for digital TV channels. And we're even told that some things happened over the course of 2007 that didn't directly involve people who work for hecklerspray, although we are yet to see proof of this.

But what about next year? What do our senior writers personally want from that? Let's take a look…

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December 28, and an admission. The reason why we aren't here throwing celebrity news at you like bananas in a monkey factory is because the whole hecklerspray family has gone camping.

It isn't going well. Laidlow, hammered on alcopops, has thrown up in Lindseth's sleeping bag and made him cry. Laverty tripped over the guy rope and dropped all our eggs on a cowpat. C J Davies keeps walking into a tree head-first again and again, convinced he'll be able to move it with the power of his mind and nobody has seen Annette since she went off to film that witch's hut. Only Stuart Heritage has managed to rise above this pathetic scene. Really, he's like some sort of hero or something.

Anyway, want to know what our favourite TV shows of the year were? Good, they're all here…

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It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.

The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.

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December 27. A day even more boring than Boxing Day. The turkey's more rubbery, the decorations are more tatty and you've eaten so much Haribo you've started to hallucinate.

But fear not, because hecklerspray's very own personal best-of-2007 lists are here again to save the day. Literally save the day. Like Superman would. As you know by now, the Spraylist is a chance to shine a light on the essentially contradictory nature of the senior hecklerspray writers by getting them to reveal a bunch of stuff they liked this year, even though chances are all the stuff's been slagged off on these pages within the last 12 months anyway. Probably by the same people who are now saying they liked it. It's a tough life.

Today - our favourite movies of 2007…

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Boxing day. A day of cold turkey, lingering family resentment and the fist-hard realisation that you didn't get a Nintendo Wii.

But don't worry. We're here. Well, actually we're not here at all. We wrote this weeks ago. Right now we're either laying on the balcony of an exclusive five-star hotel in the Seychelles or we're watching An American Tail on TV in bed with a bucket of Haribo and a hangover. Who knows where our lives will take us?

Anyway, as is now fast becoming traditional in the week between Christmas and the new year, we're going to fill the gap with the Spraylist, a personal insight into the stuff our senior writers liked best this year. And we're kicking off today with everyone's favourite albums…

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That's us for this year, then - we're off to spend a week celebrating Christmas by not staring at two-dimensional flickering screen positioned nine inches away from our noses for 13 hours a day.

Almost - you'll still be able to read our now-traditional Christmas Best-Of lists between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve. But look how good 2007 has been - every single famous person in the world has either overdosed on drugs, made a sex tape, got pregnant, wound up in jail or spent prolonged periods of time locked up in jail. Every single one. Will 2008 be able to top that? Of course it will! At the rate things are going, if Britney Spears hasn't caused a large nuclear reactor to melt down and explode by Valentine's day we'll be awfully surprised. And hecklerspray might even have a surprise or two up its sleeve for you as well…

Not that 2007 hasn't been a sterling year for us. We've won awards, been threatened with legal action from famous Hollywood directors, had our name mispronounced twice by Sky News presenters and - best of all - we're twice as big now than we were at this point last year. A lot of that is down to you, you crazy bunch of kids. All of us here would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts, but our natural aversion to sincerity in any form won't let us. So we've roped in our famous friend Alec Baldwin to tell you all the things we want to, but can't.

We'll be back in full force on January 2 to try and make news out of the scraps of post-Christmas nothingness that'll be bobbing around. But until then, have a jolly bloody merry Christmas, the sodding lot of you.

We asked and you responded - here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It's a prestigious title, that's for sure - similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood - and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell - but in what order? Let's find out…

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As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit.

But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year - Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.

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Big cinema weekend, this one - there's Will Smith's giant monster movie still out, plus new releases like the Oscar-likely Sweeney Todd and the unstoppable Judd Apatow's new comedy Walk Hard.

But none of these movies topped the weekend box office. No. The top movie at the US weekend box office chart this week is National Treasure: Book Of Secrets, a sequel to a film that the majority of people forgot even existed about a day after it was released. But National Treasure: Book Of Secrets isn't just important because it topped the weekend box office - it's also important because it's a successful Nicolas Cage film, and that fact alone has turned our perception of the world upside down to such a hideous extent that we're half expecting Santa Claus to come down our chimney and crap in our mouths tonight.

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Aside from the shouty homophobic one, the one who was in that Disney film, the bony one, the one from Sideways and the gay one, Katherine Heigl is easily the breakout star from TV's Grey's Anatomy.

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

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Never go skating on a frozen-over lake. That's what we were always told by our parents. But they were wrong.

Sort of, at least - they told us not to skate on lakes in case the ice cracked and we died a horrible frozen death, but really they should have told us not to because of all the monsters and stuff lurking there. Because that's what Thin Ice is all about - skating around in circles in a pond and catching monsters. Probably best that you play Thin Ice yourself - that way you'll know what we're yammering on about.

Play Thin Ice now 

As much as Christmas is about baby Jesus and playing your new Nintendo Wii until you can't bend your arm any more, it's also about something more - watching billionaires cry about wizards and stuff.

At some point between Christmas and the new year, there's going to be an ITV documentary broadcast entitled JK Rowling … A Year in the Life, all about Harry Potter creator JK Rowling and her adventures completing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. But the documentary also shows what JK Rowling gets up to in her spare time which - in between posing for giant statues of herself made from one giant diamond and offering the poor £50 to spend a week as JK's Dancing Monkey Slave - mainly involves going to places where she used to live and crying a lot.

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