Posts from November, 2007

We’ve all dreamed up at one stage or another tearing up a stadium of rabid rock fans while playing the guitar with a raging ferocity to Boston’s More Than A Feeling but for many us that dream could never become a reality due to most people hating that song and the other half of us being too lazy to learn the guitar!

Well heaven shined down upon us one day and gave us the fantastic Guitar Hero, which along with its sequel - the shockingly-named Guitar Hero 2 - we were allowed, in front of a drooling audience (the household dog), to shred up the guitar to a whole host of songs, making us feel as every bit awesome as we’re sure we looked.  

It’s no surprise then that Guitar Hero III has been released this year, after the huge success of its predecessors. Reviewing the Wii version has been no easy task. The game arguably has the best track-listing to date, it should please those tattoo-ridden, pierced-nosed trolls enough to come out of their bat-lairs and pick up the guitar, but also the game appeals to the average music fan with some all-time classics and some newer more pop-type hits.  

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Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most - a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush - but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January - possibly even June - it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

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You don't need to be a brain surgeon to know that hecklerspray is in the midst of compiling the definitive 2007 list of UK celebrity trainwrecks. Have you voted yet? Why the hell not?

We've already had an overwhelming response, but now you only have one week left to submit your votes, and it really couldn't be easier - click the link and you'll be taken to a one-page survey that requires three clicks and nothing more. No contact details, no suspicious feeling in your stomach that we'll sell your addresses onto spammers - three clicks and you're done. And your vote is more important than ever, because right now two would-be trainwrecks are neck-and-neck for the top spot. Your vote matters more than ever.

So get clicking, and we'll reveal the top ten UK Trainwrecks of the year sometime in December. Two final points - 1) Britney Spears isn't British, so stop voting for her, and 2) to whoever wrote 'Stuart Heritage' in their entry - yes, you're very clever. Now don't do it again.

Take the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year Survey now 

Beverley Trottman - the schoolteacher with the voice loud enough to knock the moon out of orbit - has become the latest victim of the X Factor axe, and for once it wasn’t the X Factor judges who binned her; it was the whole wide world.

Because of a judging deadlock, the X Factor elimination went to the public vote, and it turns out that hardly anyone voted for Beverley Trottman. Perhaps it’s for the best - Beverley never stood a fart’s chance of winning X Factor at the best of times, and her performance on Saturday did nothing to prove otherwise. Claiming that she was singing it for all the kids at her school, Beverley performed a new version of divorcee classic Without You that included up to 18 different key changes, the last four of which were only audible to bats and dolphins. Anyway it’s just as well that Beverley Trottman can’t live if living is without her pupils, because she’ll be back in the classroom any day now, surely.

So now that Beverley Trottman is out of X Factor, who’ll win? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Hope, Same Difference and Leon Jackson, with help from Paddy Power…

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Our tips for the good and the bad this week.

Folded:

• Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (the contemporary setting works brilliantly - they should stick with it)

• Cloverfield buzz (an upcoming monster movie that looks pretty average, but is still kind of exciting in a wonder-what-the-hell-that-is-really-about kind of way)

• The new series of The Mighty Boosh (finally it is funny ha-ha instead of just funny weird)

• The ‘Eels up inside ya’ song from The Mighty Boosh (worth two slots on this chart. The lingering dance/Shamen version should be released on download for Christmas.

• Jimmy Carr: Comedian DVD (downright mean and really funny)

Creased:

• Army of Two (no good unless you have a games-playing companion permanently strapped to your side. That’s a little too socially intrusive for us)

• Whipped cream for those fancy seasonal drinks in Starbucks (they’ve never got enough of the stuff, and there’s not much point in hot chocolate or a coffeemochabollocks without it)

• Inconsiderate neighbours (what possesses a guy to start cleaning out his car at one in the morning? Lack of employment? Nervous breakdown?)

• Cheap PCs (they’re cheap for a reason)

• I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! (has reality TV just had its second major stroke of the year?)

For 36 years, Michael Parkinson has been a near-permanent fixture, either on TV gurgling sycophantically at famous people or in magazines grumbling that people can't gurgle sycophantically at famous people as well as he can.

But not for much longer, because last night Michael Parkinson recorded his last ever celebrity interviews before fades away into a retirement of autobiography-writing and complaining about how rude young people are. And it's even been reported that professional northerner Michael Parkinson even got a bit teary-eyed during the filming of his last show. That's something we're either putting down to Parkinson realising what a prolific and generous interviewer he's been over the last three and a half decades or because Jamie Cullum turned up and started singing bad jazz-pop at him. We're going to go with the second one.

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Say what you like about Samatha Janus - actually, no, don't say what you like about Samantha Janus, especially if it's about how much Samantha Janus likes having lesbian orgies on drugs, because she'll just end up suing you.

And more than that, she'll end up winning - because Samantha Janus definitely, officially, legally doesn't like to have massive lesbian orgies on drugs, because that's what The Sunday Sport said about her and she's just won a giant load of damages for it. And let's hope that Samantha Janus' disinterest in having massive sweaty lesbian orgies on drugs also stretches to the rest of her EastEnders TV family, because that way we know that the frankly rather sickening mental images we've been having of Phil Mitchell all red-faced in the middle of a three-hour massive sweaty lesbian sex orgy on drugs will never manifest themselves physically.

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A supermodel taking drugs isn't a massive surprise to anyone, less so when a supermodel takes drugs at a rave - but a supermodel's rave-based drug-taking behaviour shocking a DJ? That hardly sounds right at all.

But it seems to be the case anyway. Two years after Kate Moss was hounded out of most of her modelling contracts following a picture of her possibly taking some drugs, it's been claimed by a DJ that she's at it again. Elliot Eastwick was the DJ at a recent party to celebrate Davinia Taylor's 30th birthday, and he claims that throughout the party Kate Moss kept screaming things like "I want some gear!" "Get me some gear!" and "Who's got the drugs?" - statements that seem innocuous enough to the average listener, but are all thought to be carefully-coded underworld slang-phrases that can only be understood by other drug-addicts which may or may not detail Kate Moss' desire to take some drugs. 

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Paris Hilton, as we've all been forced to hear for months now, is a changed woman, and now that she's out of prison once and for all, everything she'll ever do for the rest of her life will be for the greater good of mankind.

And yesterday Paris Hilton flew to Shanghai to prove this by, um, mooching around The Bund and doing some shopping and stuff. OK, while that might not seem like an especially mankindy sort of act, but bear with us - while in Shanghai, Paris Hilton is going to attend the Asian MTV Style awards. Again, a wonky-eyed internet pornstar tip-tapping around Shanghai just so that she can listlessly clap her hands at some people who've been deemed to wear clothes fairly well might not seem like the sort of thing that'd make a wider difference to humanity, but really it is - now that it has to suffer seeing Paris Hilton everywhere, maybe the people of Shanghai will learn why everyone in the west is so uptight all the time.

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Old-school, side-scrolling, collect-the-coins 2D platform games are one of life's precious joys. Forget your polygoned isometric wi-fi nanotech videogames, we like to keep it simple. Unless anyone wants to send us a Nintendo Wii. We'd be OK with that.

Anyway, Turtle Odyssey 2 is exactly the kind of game we like. It doesn't matter that the main character in Turtle Odyssey 2 is a turtle, and the plot could be about any old nonsense, frankly. But that's what we like so much about Turtle Odyssey 2 - it's simple, gorgeous and is full of more innocent fun than you could imagine. Throw in a bag of porn someone found down the woods and Turtle Odyssey 2 would make us feel 12 years old again.

Order Turtle Odyssey 2 Now

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