Posts from November, 2007

If you ever want to destroy a robot, the easiest thing to do is to mention 'Foxy Brown' and 'good behaviour' to it in the same sentence - you'll flip a switch in its logic-board and send it into a shrieking fiery meltdown.

So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all - the gift of Foxy Brown.

No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.

Read the rest of this entry »

Evel Knievel isn't the sort of man you want as an enemy, since the last thing anyone wants is a rickety old man maliciously jumping over your car on his motorbike all night when you're trying to get some sleep.

Because that's what Evel Knievel does if you cross him, you see. Unless you're a millionaire rapper who makes a music video where you dress up in a vaguely Evel Knievel-ish outfit and do stunts, in which case Evel Knievel will probably just try to sue you instead, like he did with Kanye West - the only millionaire rapper so far to dress up like Evel Knievel and do stunts for a music video. Luckily, though, Kanye West has managed to see off Knievel's legal challenge against him with the aid of an undisclosed legal settlement and the world's most awkward impromptu photo session.

Read the rest of this entry »

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals - we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.

Read the rest of this entry »

Noel Gallagher from Oasis is currently under police protection after a crazed fan burst in on the band during recording sessions at - wait a minute, Oasis still have fans?

Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes - as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.

With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Poor old Mel B. She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting - especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.

Actually that's not strictly true - with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually - but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?

Read the rest of this entry »

Geography quiz! Yay! No, wait, where are you going? Just because Know Your World is a bit educational-sounding doesn't mean that you should run a mile, you great education-hating wuss.

In fact, Know Your World is much more fun than it has any right to be. The game works by giving you a blank map of the world and a location. The closer you click on a location, the more points you get. Know Your World is remarkable because it's one of the few online games that we don't completely suck at. We even appear to know where the Seychelles are, which came as a bit of a surprise to us, we don't mind telling you.

Play Know Your World now 

By all accounts, going to one of Amy Winehouse's recent concerts has been a bit like funding a pikey's drug addiction by paying to watch her stare off into the middle distance and make a noise like a chicken choking on a shoelace.

However, it's not something you'll be able to again this year - Amy Winehouse has cancelled everything for the rest of the year; something she apparently decided two hours before she was set to play a show in Bournemouth last night. Hopefully Amy Winehouse cancelled the tour to focus on getting healthier and improving her state of mind rather than, say, sitting around in her house taking every drug ever invented. But let's not hope that Amy Winehouse disappears completely for the rest of the year, otherwise hecklerspray might spend December as a sort of barren wasteland, kept alive only by the possibility that Heather Mills might say "paedophile" in a funny high-pitched voice on GMTV again. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Remember Revolver?

Come on - think back a couple of years. Fresh from the glowing success of previous effort Swept Away (which manages to claim the unique distinction of being the worst film ever to feature his wife Madonna) director Guy Ritchie decided that the best thing to do was 'intellectualise' his patented cockney crime film formula. Which - seeing as Ritchie probably thinks that 'intellectualise' is something you do to milk - was only going to end in tears.

And what tears they were. Variety calmly called it 'ill-advised,' the Hollywood Reporter claimed that 'one watched with increasing dismay,' while Shit Convoluted Films Made By Idiot Public Schoolboys Monthly called it 'an absolute cracker.'

With the general critical consensus against him, then, you'd think that Ritchie would be more than happy to sweep this mistake under the cine-carpet and get busy making his next steaming puddle of cack silver-screen foray.

Weeeeelll… not exactly.

Read the rest of this entry »

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is in that tricky final week slump at the moment; all the genuinely awful celebrities - the ones that are fun to watch - have gone, but it's too early to crown Christopher Biggins the winner yet.

But what a series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here it's been! Full of classic I'm A Celebrity moments that people will talk about for years - like when, um, some on them sat in a van for a while and, er, the fat woman threw a semi-tantrum that lasted for about an atosecond. Ah, television gold.

But now that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is shedding micro-celebrities with every passing day, who's going to win? Here are the I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for Gemma Atkinson, Cerys Matthews, Jason Brown, Janice Dickinson and Christopher Biggins, with help from Paddy Power…

Read the rest of this entry »

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!

Read the rest of this entry »

Now, ask any man who lives in the past to name two actresses that he'd like to see have a bit of a wrestle in a mud-filled paddling pool and, after some heavy prompting, there's a chance he might say Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie.

That wouldn't happen now, though - nobody in their right mind would want to see the scrawny adopting lady and the middle-aged woman with the horse's mouth do anything even vaguely erotic - but it isn't stopping Julia Roberts from getting all bitchy about Angelina Jolie. According to reports, Julia Roberts hates Angelina Jolie and says she could have easily done a better job at A Mighty Heart than Angelina - something that we'd be inclined to agree with. After all, Angelina Jolie really didn't explore the goofy, fun-loving, spontaneously-laughing-out-loud side of Marianne Pearl when she went on the harrowing journey through Pakistan to track down her dead husband as well as we'd have liked.

Read the rest of this entry »

You'd have thought that anyone divorcing Hulk Hogan would be happy to leave the relationship with nothing more than a handful of blissful, weirdly aggressive, borderline xenophobic memories to their name.

But that's not the case at all, as Hulk Hogan is quickly discovering for himself. Just days after Linda Bollea, Hulk Hogan's wife of 24 years, surprised the Hulkster by divorcing him, it's been announced that she's after everything that Hulk Hogan's got - namely half of his $9.5 million assets plus alimony, child support fees and health insurance for their son. But Hulk Hogan and Linda Bollea are both adults and we're sure they'll reach a sensible, amicable agreement over the course of time - either that or Hulk Hogan is going to walk around in circles puffing out his cheeks, waving an American flag about and ripping his shirt to pieces, which admittedly does seem to be his answer to bloody everything.

Read the rest of this entry »