Posts from November, 2007

So we've established that Britney Spears isn't very pregnant at all - but that's OK because Christina Aguilera seems like she's pregnant enough for the entire flipping world.

If, like us, you were surprised by Christina Aguilera's coy little pregnancy announcement earlier this month and thought "Restraint? Christina Aguilera? Surely not" then prepare to have your preconceptions validated - Christina Aguilera has decided to pose for the cover of Marie Claire magazine with her bare pregnant gut hanging out like some kind of massive fleshy baby-filled blister. And if the sight of Christina Aguilera's giant naked pregnant belly isn't enough for you, Marie Claire also features the top 57 sexy winter skin buys. Fun!

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We head over to Scandinavia – a place we have visited on previous occasions - to bring you this week’s offering. In particular we are looking at this Danish artist Jong Pang who is, um, amazingly from Denmark. 

Like the majority of people who aren’t from this a particular part of the world – or maybe it's just the ignorant English - we don’t know much about Danish music. Well, that is a lie. Remember the Danish bacon advert? A stone-cold classic in the making and one that was never given a proper release. Every time we munch on a bacon roll the song enters our minds. So fingers crossed that the work of Jong Pong will become our new favourite Danish sound, relegating a song about slaughtered pigs into second place.

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Rumours are great, whether they're false - like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true - like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry.

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!

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Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:  

1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony. 

2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother. 

3) You’re Kevin Federline.  

It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.  

Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.  

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Madonna is a complicated woman. In fact - some might say she's a whole bunch of women stuffed together under one great big cone-shaped bra.

There's the rock star Madonna that puts out movies about gay men tonguing empty bottles of coke, and there's the globally-conscious Madonna that probably reduces green house emissions by reading with only natural light, or by the light emitted from burning servants.

Then there's rural Madonna - all she wants to do is raise animals on a farm somewhere in England. Problem is rural Madonna seems to have been quite intertwined with eccentric fashion designer Madonna, because she's recently changed the colours of several animals she's raising to look like a ROY G BIV diagram, and animal rights folk are up in arms.

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There are many things OJ Simpson is guilty of - being a bit of a douchebag, maybe, and having an unnatural obsession with his own faecal matter - but when it comes to armed robbery, OJ Simpson is absolutely not guilty.

That's according to OJ Simpson, at least - faced with a stack of felony charges that will see him spend the rest of his life in jail, OJ Simpson decided yesterday at a Las Vegas arraignment that he didn't actually have anything to do with any of it. OJ Simpson has pleaded not guilty to all 12 felony charges against him, on the basis that he only burst in on some unsuspecting sports memorabilia dealers with a gang of men in some sort of amateurish raid operation because they stole his shit and he only wanted his shit back. This argument means that the OJ Simpson trial - set for April - could set all manner of legal precedents for any other future angry shit-based misunderstandings that American citizens may wander into.

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It seems that some people are never happy. After saving the world by organising a few gigs, Bono has been slammed by head of African Aid Action, Jobs Selasie.

Bono, who is renowned for his messianic charisma and rumoured to heal the blind just with his touch, was criticised by Selassie for not involving grassroots African organisations and saying that such half-baked charity endeavours such as Live Aid are detrimental to the future of Africa. 

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Pest Control is a game that involves two of our favourite activities - killing stuff and picking on things smaller than ourselves - so hooray for that.

Without putting too fine a point on it, Pest Control is a bug-splattering game - you're a disembodied flyswat and you have to kill a certain amount of nasties in an allotted timeframe. But what pushes Pest Control above the realm of the ordinary is the sheer difficulty of the bastard. Pest Control doesn't just pit you against flies but maggots and snails and - in one particularly hair-tugging instance - fleas.

Play Pest Control now

If Morrissey ever gave up music, he could easily forge a second career as the sort of Telegraph-reading, wobbly-jowled splutterer who sits in the Question Time audience all night just so he can make one disparaging remark about the Polish.

Because, 17 years after he almost fatally wounded his career by jigging about in front of several National Front members wrapped in a Union Jack, Morrissey seems to be at it again. Apparently Morrissey has used an NME interview to tell the world how much he hates immigrants and how "England is a memory now." Quite why Morrissey would want to stir up such a political hornet's nest in the first place is beyond us, although we suspect that Morrissey is simply playing the shock anti-immigration card to promote his pensioner-targeted new album Is It Me Or Are Policemen Getting Younger? and its lead single I'll Put A Bloody Knife Through That Ball If It Comes Over My Fence Again.

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That Lily Allen ­– she had us all fooled.

The publicity-mad warbler earlier this week said she would consider retiring at just 25 to have babies.

She said: “It’s a great job, but it doesn’t leave time for what’s important - like having a family.”

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Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out - just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday's show, John Barnes.

John Barnes: brilliant when he's asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he's asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John's Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated.

But who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn't? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

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Helio Castroneves, yesterday’s spangly winner on TV’s Dancing With The Stars, is today’s unlucky loser in love, following the news that he has been poleaxed by erstwhile fiancée Aliette Vazquez.

The engagement was called off within a day of Castroneves’ dancefest glory. He was dumped after six years by Vazquez, who kept schtum so as not to affect the outcome of the reality show. They were engaged for about a year.

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