Posts from October, 2007

OK, we're gonna try and badly set this week's MySpace Trawl band to reflect what's going on around us. If we look out the window we'll see that the leaves are starting to peel off the trees and change to their various autumn colours of reds, golds and murky greens.

Ooh, it's almost depressing knowing that the nights are going to get here quicker and we'll be freezing our socks off trying to get home via the long commute from the office. It doesn't make for the best of times. What we need is some moody ambient music to help us battle through these dark evenings so we can quickly warm our hands on a nice hot cup of tea while settling down by the fire. That is unless if the gas company haven't cut you off like they have done with us. Anyway - Kwoon!

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Anna Nicole Smith was America's sweetheart, you know - or at least she would have been if 'waddling about dressed up as a hellish clown and confusing your own unborn baby with a plastic doll' was part of the job description.

But, hey, that's not news. Just after Anna Nicole Smith died, the world saw a video clip of Anna Nicole Smith slurring incoherently with her face painted in such an uncomfortably disturbing way that it's effectively stopped us from being able to sleep at night. But it turns out that the clip was just the tip of the iceberg - now a longer Howard K Stern-filmed video of the clownfaced Anna Nicole Smith staring into nowhere, screaming about the skin being ripped from her pretend baby's body and generally acting so weirdly that a nine-year-old girl starts pleading for people to take Anna Nicole to a hospital. And, yes, it's after the jump. You filthy vultures.

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We really applaud celebrities who get involved in important causes.  

Like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who have given orphaned babies of the world solace in the fact that they have an 89% chance of being adopted by the couple. Then there’s Ellen DeGeneres who you can call if you adopt a pet and then give it away and then it’s taken away, and she’ll blubber uncontrollably about it on national TV for you. 

But all of these noble acts are absolute rubbish compared to the good will of Puff Daddy P Diddy Sean Puffy Sean “Diddy” Combs, or whatever the freak his name is this week. That’s right - Diddy says he is out to “convert a lot of people”. Convert them to what, you ask? Religion? Educating impoverished nations? Awareness of domestic abuse?  

No, it’s vodka. Diddy is out to convert the world to vodka. Thank you, Diddy. It’s about time someone stood up for vodka, if you ask us.  

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If the ongoing Britney Spears custody battle has taught the world anything, it's that Britney Spears is even worse at parenting than she is at miming her songs without looking like a medically-assisted arthritic zombie.

And, as part of the resolution to the custody issue, a judge has ordered both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to attend parenting classes, in the hope that they'll transform Britney and Kevin into the sort of compassionate parents who understand that babbling at their children in a creepy made-up language is not a valid way of expressing love. And yesterday Britney Spears and Kevin Federline took their first Parenting Without Conflict class together at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Nobody is sure what ground was covered in the first session, although Britney Spears was seen leaving the hotel clutching a pamphlet called Just Because They Came Out Of Your Vagina Doesn't Mean They Want To See It All The Effing Time.

We're guessing the clue's in the title.

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Ah, Spot The Difference games. Is there anything that says 'four-hour childhood car journey' more succinctly than a spot the difference game? Apart from travel sickness, arguments and one unfortunate occasion that called for the family car to be reupholstered, obviously.

Anyway, this game of Spot The Difference is different. Instead of staring at two pictures of some cows and carefully circling each slight difference, this Spot The Difference allows you to shoot differences on a level that moves. It makes the Spot The Difference experience a lot more dynamic, but for people like us who barely even notice when our friends grow full beards, it doesn't make it any easier.

Play Spot The Difference now

This is for any of you who a) have Sky News, b) will be at home at 7:30 tonight, c) will be watching TV at 7:30 tonight, d) won't be watching EastEnders at 7:30 tonight and e) want to watch someone from hecklerspray on Sky News at 7:30 tonight.

Because at 7:30 tonight, hecklerspray editor Stuart Heritage will be on Sky News as the guest on its Sky.com News show, talking about whatever new story happens to be big on the internet today. On the basis of the last two shows, this could either be the complex inquest into the Blackwater Fallujah deaths of 2004 or a Japanese man who dresses up as a vending machine sometimes. Watch it if you like, either on Sky News itself or live on the internet here at whenever 7:30pm UK-time is where you are. Or just watch EastEnders instead. We hear that Dot receives some shocking news tonight. 

Like many people, we assumed that Mick Hucknall was the only real member of Simply Red - so now Simply Red are splitting up we, like many people, are assuming that Mick Hucknall plans to throw himself into an industrial mincer soon.

Anyway, apparently that's not the case at all. Mick Hucknall has announced that he is splitting up Simply Red after 25 years of the band existing in one form or another, a good 10 years after most people thought Simply Red had split up in the first place. But there's bad news here, too - Simply Red aren't going to split up for another two years, meaning that we'll have to suffer through another 730 days of hearing a smug ginger pie-faced idiot singing all those songs that you never really liked in the first place. And then, after that, Mick Hucknall is going to go solo because he wants to "invent a new form of music." Fingers crossed that it'll be a very quiet new form of music that only Mick Hucknall can hear, then.

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Never ones to blow our trumpet - ahem - it came as quite the surprise yesterday to learn that, according to Blogstorm, hecklerspray is now the UK's fifth-biggest blog.

And, much like other famous fifth-placers like fifth-place 1983 Eurovision Song Contest entry Hoffmann & Hoffmann and the 2007 Venezuelan Softball World Cup squad, we're thrilled. How thrilled are we? Well, this time last year hecklerspray was the tenth-biggest UK blog and now we're the fifth-biggest, so the answer is probably 'twice as much as last year'. In case any of you wanted to know how Blogstorm calculated the ginormity of hecklerspray, here's its explanation:

The Top 100 UK Blogs ranking was compiled by listing over 1400 UK blogs and calculating their popularity using the well known metrics of Alexa Ranking and Technorati Ranking for each site.

See? So we're the Best Entertainment Blog in the UK according to Ask, Metro and a ginger Scottish man and the fifth-biggest overall UK blog according to some complicated calculations. And that honestly couldn't have happened without you lot, so thanks - especially those of you who've been reading hecklerspray for a while and left comments and stuff. Next year we've calculated that we'll be the second and a half biggest blog in the country, so thanks in advance for that, too.

Incidentally, Blogstorm has Belle De Jour listed as the UK's 74th biggest blog. Since we're clearly much bigger than that, we vow not to rest until hecklerspray is adapted into a glossy ITV2 drama about Billie Piper playing us and wanking off a load of blokes in her knickers, too. For it is our destiny.

Read more:

Top 100 UK Blogs - Blogstorm 

Last Saturday marked possibly our favourite time of the year, when X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing both start broadcasting at exactly the same time and we have to keep flicking backwards and forwards between the two, weeping slightly.

But enough about us, because Willie Thorne’s been kicked out of Strictly Come Dancing after just two short dances. Not exactly a surprise, because gambling-addicted former snooker players have never exactly been known for their grace, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Willie Thorne outdid himself, mainly by dancing a tango to Obertura while pulling a face exactly like a man getting progressively angrier and angrier at himself for being constipated. And then the Strictly Come Dancing judges called him a “polar bear” and a “walrus” for it, with was totally unfair, because at least those animals have been known to be entertaining.

Now that Willie Thorne is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’ll win? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gabby Logan, Gethin Jones, Penny Lancaster, Kenny Logan, Matt Di Angelo and Kate Garraway, with betting odds coming from Paddy Power…

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You may have thought that Halle Berry was just about the least offensive person in the world, what with her immaculate good looks and her fondness for making films that nobody cares about, but you'd be wrong.

Because underneath Halle Berry's flawless facade beats the angry heart of an anti-Semite. An angry, nasty, unapologetic anti-Semite. Well, alright, not really an unapologetic anti-Semite, because Halle Berry cracked a weak one-liner about how she looked a bit Jewish on Jay Leno recently and hasn't stopped apologising about it yet. And since what she said wasn't even especially offensive in the first place, that probably rules out the 'angry' and 'nasty' bits too. And the bit about Halle Berry being an anti-Semite. So we suppose what really meant to say was that underneath Halle Berry's flawless facade beats the heart of an over-cautious woman who doesn't hate anyone and can't stop saying sorry about it. That sounds fair. 

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