Posts from October, 2007

Good then bad… in that order.

Folded:

• Ever wondered how it feels to die? (read this fascinating New Scientist report and wonder no more. Sleep no more either)

• Dogs with no front legs (have you seen these?! Funny as hell)

• Tesco’s gunmetal finish desk fan (nice looking bit of apartment chic currently reduced from £20 to £5 in stores. So what if it’s freezing, this thing is a gentleman’s bargain)

• Dave (bloke Freeview channel [19] with re-runs of UK Whose Line is it Anyway? Gold)

• The Day Today clips on YouTube (try out this clip of Chris Morris’ 9/11-themed radio broadcast. It’s restrained and devilishly funny)

Creased:

• Newton Faulkner (seems like a really decent bloke, but he sounds like Crowded House)

• Greeting people (apparently it's really easy to insult people by not kissing them when you meet. Sex offenders, especially, hate it)

• Cinema ushers (now replacing supermarket shelf stackers as our officially most lobotomised sector of society)

• People who talk about Heroes all the time (Jesus, it is not that good. Try some reruns of Heartbeat sometime)

• The 'home of witty banter’ tagline of channel Dave (you’re still showing Coupling, aren’t you?)

We've all got embarrassing photos in our collections, maybe old school pictures or snaps of family members happily torturing hooded Iraqi detainees with dogs, but the trick is to keep those photos locked up at home.

Not Elton John, though - he didn't get where he is today by locking up vaguely contentious photos in his collection, like Klara and Edda belly-dancing by Nan Goldin, an image of a pre-pubescent girl lying down with her legs splayed towards the camera and playing with her friend. No, Elton John got where he is today by putting those sorts of photos up in galleries across the world, daring the authorities to seize them. And by 'where he is today' we mean 'breathing a sigh of relief that the Northumbria Crown Prosecution Service has decided that Klara and Edda belly-dancing isn't child porn'. So yay for Elton John and yay for non-pornographic, yet still fairly unsettling, images of naked children!

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We've long been of the understanding that it's OK to never do anything worthwhile so long as you at least think about doing worthwhile stuff once in a while, and that's a view that Paris Hilton obviously shares.

Not so long ago we reported that Paris Hilton had decided to show her compassionate new outlook by travelling to Rwanda and lifting the spirits of its broken people by looking them in the eye and saying "Eww, those flies around your eyes are totally gross and shit." However, thanks to an 'organisational restructuring' at the charity that had planned Paris Hilton's Rwanda trip, the jaunt has now apparently been postponed. It just goes to show that you learn something new every day - and today we learnt that 'organisational restructuring' is code for 'the idiot who suggested that Paris Hilton should go to Rwanda has been knocked unconscious and locked in the basement because frankly those people have already suffered enough.'

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A normal person would quickly fall to pieces if they had to suffer through as many personal problems as Britney Spears does, but somehow Britney Spears manages to hold it all- no, wait, sorry, Britney Spears fell to pieces a long time ago.

But the gigantic bone-dense dark cloud hanging over Britney Spears' head has just got a fraction of a percent lighter, because Britney Spears has avoided the hit and run charge she's faced ever since she was photographed careering into a parked car and walking away, purely because Britney Spears decided to apologise to the car's owner. So it looks like everything's coming up Millhouse for Britney Spears - and now all she has to do is regain custody of her children, act like a responsible mother, stop partying so much, rebuild the broken relationships with her family, learn to accept advice from others, not marry any more rednecks, grow her hair back to a normal length and learn what knickers are for and she'll be almost back to normal.

Almost.

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In these times of constant doubt, people need their fragments of certainty to cling onto for support like never before, so thank heavens that a Lost cast-member is always on hand to drive around like a spazzy nitwit during filming each year.

This time, the lucky member of the Lost cast to be arrested for drink driving was Daniel Dae Kim, the Korean-born actor who plays Jin-Soo Kwon in the increasingly bewildering island drama. According to reports, Daniel Dae Kim was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving in Honolulu early yesterday morning, taken into custody and released after posting bail - the latest in a long line of Lost stars to have been caught allegedly driving around Hawaii like a pissed-up goon. In fact, by our estimations, Daniel Dae Kim's DUI arrest means that the only Lost cast-members not to have been arrested on similar charges so far are Walt, the man with the eye-patch and the nondescript creepy accent and four of the bees from episode six.  

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As fun as pinball machine are, there are all sorts of things wrong with them. For instance, we've learnt from experience that if you buy one while living in a tiny bedsit, you'll need to learn how to sleep with the corner of a pinball machine jutting into your cheek pretty fast.

So here's Ballrooms to save you some space. Ballrooms is a pinball-based online game that's honestly better than any other online pinball game we've ever played, and that's because there are about a billion different levels. So many online pinball games limit you to one table, but Ballrooms flicks you between levels at a terrifying speed. Half of them are almost impossible, we'll admit, but that doesn't mean they're not good.

Play Ballrooms now 

Here at hecklerspray, we know the importance of a semi-decent education. Look at where it got us! And yet in America things get taken so much more seriously.

In America, you see, when kids fuck up their exams, they get loaded into a van at midnight and taken to camp. Here, the dim-witted bunch of misfits get reminded of their lack of intelligence by spending the summer re-learning what they don’t know. You’d think there would only be camps for kids who don’t know the difference between subtracting and multiplying, but no. We’ve discovered that there are some places that want to convert little children to the good book. And we don’t mean Harry Potter.

All across America, Jesus camps are springing up to get kids to, er… convert to the name of our saviour. Will there be Jesus juice involved? Well, we’re not too sure and to be brutally honest, we don’t want to know. Despite trying to be loving and caring, these Jesus camps look quite evil as they go about telling us how wrong we generally are about everything. Which, to be fair, does apply to most of the hecklerspray writers. 

So for any parents in America, you have the perfect ammunition to bribe little Jimmy or Claire into not bunking off school and actually attending class. Do you want them to be brainwashed by some happy clappy Christian group/cult? Well, show them this trailer as a taster for a potential summer of bible bashing fun. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

When the first Harry Potter book was released, nobody dared to assume that one day the franchise would grow so large that gangs of young Harry Potter fans would strip naked and stab horses in the eyes as a tribute to the boy wizard.

Admittedly that hasn't happened yet - although it's bound to be a matter of days - but still, our point is that some people quite like Harry Potter. More than quite like it, in fact - some people love Harry Potter so much that they're willing to shell out £19,700 just for one measly copy of the first Harry Potter book, even though you can buy one on Amazon for a penny. A first-edition copy of Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone sold for a record-breaking amount at auction yesterday, you see, because it was signed by JK Rowling. We don't know what record it broke, though - probably the Most Freely-Available Book About A Smug Little Twit Bought By Someone With A Distorted Sense Of Monetary Worth, we'd expect.

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What with all the fainting women on Dancing With The Stars, Strictly Come Dancing has a lot to live up to this week - can it replicate the drama of a middle-aged woman slumping to the floor in a fit of exhaustion?

Possibly, because this week is the week when Strictly Come Dancing starts to take itself more seriously. The two oldest Strictly Come Dancing contestants have been voted off - along with a half-remembered man from a soap opera - and that just leaves the cream of the crop. And the bald man from The One Show. And the hobbled GMTV woman. And the clunky rugby player. And the boy from EastEnders who loves himself. And a couple of others. But apart from that, it’s Strictly Come Dancing cream of the crop all the way.

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds to win for Dominic Littlewood, Letitia Dean, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

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David Copperfield is a mystical man who can simply click his fingers and make landmarks disappear or supermodels want to sleep with him - but David Copperfield has discovered that he can't magic away angry Asian concert promoters.

David Copperfield had been planning to tour Southeast Asia, right up until the FBI raided his warehouse because a Seattle woman accused him of rape. Now - possibly because he fears any legitimate dalliances with dirt-cheap Thai ladyboy prostitutes will be skewed by the media to look like more rape - David Copperfield has cancelled his Asian tour, outraging promoters in the process. Two companies are now suing David Copperfield for several million dollars following his sudden cancellation and - to make matters worse - they want David Copperfield to pay them in cash by pulling the full amount of compensation out from behind their ears again and again like some sort of creepy magical old uncle or something. 

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