Posts from October, 2007

We think we've finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 - there's a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away.

That's just a theory, mind you, and we're far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn't want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn't made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield's supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it's over we'll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy magician, of which there are many.

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Oh Bloons, how you've entranced us with your special little dart-throwing monkeys, colourful balloon and ability to turn out a brand new game every couple of weeks. Will Bloons games ever stop being turned out? Probably not.

And that's fine by us as long as they're as good as Bloons Tower Defense 2 - which differs from Bloons Tower Defense 1 because there are three difficulty levels and the hardest level is so hard it almost reduced us to tears and we still haven't completed it. You know the score - buy gun towers, place them around the course and try to make them pop all the balloons they can. You will like Bloons Tower Defense 2, and that's as close to a promise as we're legally willing to make.

Play Bloons Tower Defense 2 now

It’s fair to say that 50 Cent hasn’t had the best of times when it comes to proving how popular he is.

In fact, looking at Fiddy's career, it seems that people have always had a grudge against him in some shape or form. Like whoever shot 50 Cent multiple times. But you wouldn’t know about that! 50 Cent is deeply shy and doesn't like talking about getting shot. Anyway, 50 Cent now appears to have become the musical equivalent of George W Bush for his ability to start pointless wars. The crazy tyke has only gone and started one with unsuccessful solo artist Lance Bass from 'N Sync!

Please note that we mean 50 Cent and not George W Bush. George has always been a fan of Lance's output.

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After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen - brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course - to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.

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Fact: most revivals are bad.

Star Wars. The Happy Mondays. Chris Evans' career. In fact, take a look at any attempt to bring back a cultural milestone and you'll notice that the end result is invariably cack-based.

One thing that has long been overdue a resurgence, however, is hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition. Okay, okay, so maybe we're confusing 'cultural milestone' with 'something to do if you've got a spare five minutes to tit around on a Monday', but that's just semantics.

'Hold on a second,' some of you may be screaming. 'I'm relatively new to hecklerspray. What is this Celebrity Haiku Competition of which you speak? Tell me! Dear Christ, tell me, or else mother won't get her food parcel thrown down into the basement today.'

Calm yourselves. Details after the jump…

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An unusual thing happened on X Factor this week - none of the judges threw a strop and flounced off the show in a huff only to return the next week all apologetic - oh, and Daniel De Bourg got voted off X Factor, too.

The live X Factor finals are still too new for anyone to really remember any of the contestants, but even with that in mind Daniel De Bourg did a pretty good job of failing to impress anyone whatsoever. His X Factor performance of Fill Me Up Buttercup was a mess of flubbed lines, bizarre handshake dance routines and screams of ‘woo’ repeated at such a giddying frequency that we had to go outside to see which car alarm had gone off in our street. So X Factor will continue without Daniel De Bourg in it, but that doesn’t matter because you probably didn’t know who he was in the first place anyway.

But who’s going to win X Factor? Here’s part one of this week’s X Factor betting odds to win, for Alisha Bennett, Emily Nakanda and Same Difference, with help as ever from Paddy Power…

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Good then bad… in that order.

Folded:

• Ever wondered how it feels to die? (read this fascinating New Scientist report and wonder no more. Sleep no more either)

• Dogs with no front legs (have you seen these?! Funny as hell)

• Tesco’s gunmetal finish desk fan (nice looking bit of apartment chic currently reduced from £20 to £5 in stores. So what if it’s freezing, this thing is a gentleman’s bargain)

• Dave (bloke Freeview channel [19] with re-runs of UK Whose Line is it Anyway? Gold)

• The Day Today clips on YouTube (try out this clip of Chris Morris’ 9/11-themed radio broadcast. It’s restrained and devilishly funny)

Creased:

• Newton Faulkner (seems like a really decent bloke, but he sounds like Crowded House)

• Greeting people (apparently it's really easy to insult people by not kissing them when you meet. Sex offenders, especially, hate it)

• Cinema ushers (now replacing supermarket shelf stackers as our officially most lobotomised sector of society)

• People who talk about Heroes all the time (Jesus, it is not that good. Try some reruns of Heartbeat sometime)

• The 'home of witty banter’ tagline of channel Dave (you’re still showing Coupling, aren’t you?)

We've all got embarrassing photos in our collections, maybe old school pictures or snaps of family members happily torturing hooded Iraqi detainees with dogs, but the trick is to keep those photos locked up at home.

Not Elton John, though - he didn't get where he is today by locking up vaguely contentious photos in his collection, like Klara and Edda belly-dancing by Nan Goldin, an image of a pre-pubescent girl lying down with her legs splayed towards the camera and playing with her friend. No, Elton John got where he is today by putting those sorts of photos up in galleries across the world, daring the authorities to seize them. And by 'where he is today' we mean 'breathing a sigh of relief that the Northumbria Crown Prosecution Service has decided that Klara and Edda belly-dancing isn't child porn'. So yay for Elton John and yay for non-pornographic, yet still fairly unsettling, images of naked children!

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We've long been of the understanding that it's OK to never do anything worthwhile so long as you at least think about doing worthwhile stuff once in a while, and that's a view that Paris Hilton obviously shares.

Not so long ago we reported that Paris Hilton had decided to show her compassionate new outlook by travelling to Rwanda and lifting the spirits of its broken people by looking them in the eye and saying "Eww, those flies around your eyes are totally gross and shit." However, thanks to an 'organisational restructuring' at the charity that had planned Paris Hilton's Rwanda trip, the jaunt has now apparently been postponed. It just goes to show that you learn something new every day - and today we learnt that 'organisational restructuring' is code for 'the idiot who suggested that Paris Hilton should go to Rwanda has been knocked unconscious and locked in the basement because frankly those people have already suffered enough.'

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A normal person would quickly fall to pieces if they had to suffer through as many personal problems as Britney Spears does, but somehow Britney Spears manages to hold it all- no, wait, sorry, Britney Spears fell to pieces a long time ago.

But the gigantic bone-dense dark cloud hanging over Britney Spears' head has just got a fraction of a percent lighter, because Britney Spears has avoided the hit and run charge she's faced ever since she was photographed careering into a parked car and walking away, purely because Britney Spears decided to apologise to the car's owner. So it looks like everything's coming up Millhouse for Britney Spears - and now all she has to do is regain custody of her children, act like a responsible mother, stop partying so much, rebuild the broken relationships with her family, learn to accept advice from others, not marry any more rednecks, grow her hair back to a normal length and learn what knickers are for and she'll be almost back to normal.

Almost.

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In these times of constant doubt, people need their fragments of certainty to cling onto for support like never before, so thank heavens that a Lost cast-member is always on hand to drive around like a spazzy nitwit during filming each year.

This time, the lucky member of the Lost cast to be arrested for drink driving was Daniel Dae Kim, the Korean-born actor who plays Jin-Soo Kwon in the increasingly bewildering island drama. According to reports, Daniel Dae Kim was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving in Honolulu early yesterday morning, taken into custody and released after posting bail - the latest in a long line of Lost stars to have been caught allegedly driving around Hawaii like a pissed-up goon. In fact, by our estimations, Daniel Dae Kim's DUI arrest means that the only Lost cast-members not to have been arrested on similar charges so far are Walt, the man with the eye-patch and the nondescript creepy accent and four of the bees from episode six.  

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As fun as pinball machine are, there are all sorts of things wrong with them. For instance, we've learnt from experience that if you buy one while living in a tiny bedsit, you'll need to learn how to sleep with the corner of a pinball machine jutting into your cheek pretty fast.

So here's Ballrooms to save you some space. Ballrooms is a pinball-based online game that's honestly better than any other online pinball game we've ever played, and that's because there are about a billion different levels. So many online pinball games limit you to one table, but Ballrooms flicks you between levels at a terrifying speed. Half of them are almost impossible, we'll admit, but that doesn't mean they're not good.

Play Ballrooms now